


The Ex

by LivingInWonderland



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dirty Talk, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Homophobic Slurs, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, tagging for future chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-23
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-05-22 18:48:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 77,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6090619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LivingInWonderland/pseuds/LivingInWonderland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Ex</p>
<p>You think you can put everything behind you, move on with your life, get over that first love that completely shattered you.</p>
<p>I mean, it's been 9 years, seeing THAT Ex again shouldn't stir up any feelings? Right?</p>
<p>Wrong, So fucking wrong....</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thought I'd give this another crack considering I got so much love and support for the first one.
> 
> Let me know what you think so far, Kudos and Comments are always loved and appreciated.
> 
> Big love to you beautiful people as always xoxo

He’s glad to be out of Chicago, New York’s a nice place. When Svetlana had told him that this would be his new home, he was terrified. The only place he’s ever known has been Jail, Juvie and the fucking South-side of Chicago. Once he got out of all those hell holes, he wasn’t ever looking back, but he was terrified to be in a completely unknown city, he hated change. He knew this was good; life was going to be alright here. It had to be. He couldn’t go back to Chicago; there was nothing there for him any-more.  
  
He was released a month before his 30th Birthday, he’d served 9 years of his 15 year sentence. Svetlana had picked him up, organised for him to be able to move here. He liked it. It was November now so the weather was cold, reminding him of home. He hated memories, memories of his asshole father, the shitty neighbourhood, having a growling stomach because they had no money for food, memories of the asshole Ex that had ruined his life. Yeah, memories fucking sucked.  
  
He pulled his jacket closer to him to fight off the slight wind that had picked up, blowing flakes of snow into his face. He was on his way to work. He’d been out of prison for 6 months now. It had taken him a while to adjust to a bed that was soft and had a blanket that didn’t scratch the shit out of his face or make his body itch. Adjusting to having a room of his own with a door instead of bars, having his 10 year old kid arguing with him about homework. Life had felt surreal for a while there, but he was slowly getting into the swing of things now.  
  
The apartment that was now his home was nice. It had three spacious bedrooms, one for him, Yevgeny and one for Svetlana and her girlfriend Emily. Thankfully they also had two bathrooms, although he has to share with Yev and the kid had a tendency to leave soaking wet towels on the floor which countless amount of times Mickey had stepped on soaking his soaks completely. The rest of the house was open plan with a large Kitchen, living room and a separate eating area. It was better than anything he had ever had, or ever imagined himself having.  
  
He’d gotten himself a job through a guy he met in prison, factory work. He liked it. He kept to himself in his little bay. He didn’t have to talk to any one much, just kept his head down and stuck to his task of shifting sheets of metal across a conveyor belt. The job was monotonous as fuck but he didn’t have to work too hard and the pay was decent. He earned enough to help out around the house, buy the kid some shit and get wasted on the weekends.  
  
He rounded the corner of the block and saw the big red building that was his work place  
  
“Hey Mick, Cold as shit hey? ‘M freezing my fucking balls off”  
  
He looked up at the sound of the familiar voice and saw his work mate Pete heading around into the building as well, they worked in different sections but would talk on break and at the local bar that everyone at work would head to. He never used to be one for socializing, he always felt awkward, but he had loosened up over the years. He was now quite fond of meaningless chit chat. It kept his mind off of memories and other bad demons.  
  
“Put’s a new meaning in to having blue balls hey” he answered back to the man and watched as Pete’s laugh fogged out of his months it big white puffy clouds.  
  
“hahaha… Yeah man. You hitting the bar up after work?”  
  
“Sure, could throw a coupla whiskey’s down to warm my bones after work… See you on break Pete”  
  
He headed inside, put his shit in his locker and clocked on ready for his shift. Today was Friday. So this was his last shift for the week. He planned on heading to the bar, home to bed and then he was spending the day with Yev. His kid was into sports, blew his mind because Mickey hated them.  
  
Yevgeny had a thing for Ice hockey at the moment and he promised he’d take him out for the day and they’d hit a few pucks around or something. Wasn’t his thing at all, but he had a lot of time that he wanted to make up with his kid, proper bonding time that he had never had himself and Yev had missed out on so far.  
  
Svetlana had always been good with keeping Yev and Mickey close. The first seven years they visited regularly until she moved to New York. She still made it down on special occasions after the move, holidays and birthdays mostly. His weekly phone call was always to Yev and then when his son could start to write they would exchange letters to and fro. When he got out he thought the kid would be awkward with him, but much to Mickey’s delight he wasn’t. They watched TV together, talked about video games and super heroes. He helped Yev with his homework; he pretended to anyway, kid was smarter than him. Mickey was so proud of him, he loved him despite the fact he had always swore that he wouldn’t be able to. Svetlana had done a good job raising him.  
  
Svetlana met her girlfriend Emily 6 months before she moved to New York. Emily was into Art, she ran an art studio in Chicago. Svetlana had taken Yevgeny there to broaden his mind or something like that and they had hit it off immediately. So when her new studio opened up in New York she brought Svet and Yev with her.  
  
He liked Emily, she wasn’t snobby like he had expected. She actually went out with him sometimes and they drank beers and played pool. She always kicked his ass. He loved his little family here in New York. It made him miss his brothers and his sister though.  
  
Colin was in Jail at the moment, got busted on a gun run three years ago, ended up at the same Jail as Mickey which was nice, despite the circumstances obviously. Iggy was still in Chicago, had a couple of kids and he was steal dealing drugs. Mickey had to stay away from that, he was going to live a clean life now.  
  
Mandy was, fuck knows where she was actually. She never really told him during their visits and written letters. When his time was up he hadn’t told her where he was going, didn’t leave a forwarding address or anything. From what he could tell she had a good life and was doing well and he just didn’t want to get involved in that, mess it up. He loved her but being around her reminded him too much of The Ex as well. He knew that she would eventually track him down, but he just needed some time to adjust to his new life on the outside first. She would understand. But fuck did he miss her  
  
The lunch bell took him out of his thoughts about his family. He headed to the lunch room and scoured around for a friendly face.  
  
“Yo Mickey! Over here”  
  
He looked over to a set of tables outside in the smokers area and found James, Kyle and Pete smiling up at him. He took his lunch over and sat down.  
  
“How’s things man?” James asked as he handed Mickey a smoke.  
  
“Things are good, got laid last night…Can’t complain” Mickey replied as he took his gloves off to light up.  
  
“This guy a keeper or??” Kyle nudged his shoulder and lifted an eyebrow at Mickey.

Yep. Everyone knew he was gay now. Well, not everyone but people that knew him, knew. At first he was terrified of telling people. In Jail, he got his ass beat a fair few times for being a faggot in there. But most people didn’t really give a fuck. He’d done a lot of growing up through the years, not much time to do anything but think in Jail. And he had done a lot of that, that’s for certain. And he decided when he got out, he'd be himself, live his life how he wanted to for a change.  
  
He outted himself at work when Kyle had tried to set him up with his sister in law. The asshole didn’t know how to take no for an answer and he kept pestering until Mickey snapped after a month of having him trying to organise a date. He’d turned around angrily and said that unless his sister in law had a dick, he was barking up the wrong tree. Kyle had laughed at him, which almost gave him a black eye from Mickey until Kyle spoke up saying ”Dude, why didn’t you fucking tell me earlier, I could set you up with my brother?” This then proceeded with Kyle bugging him for another two weeks to go out with his brother Scott, he caved and went out with the guy. He was just as annoying as Kyle, he still banged him though. Dick was still Dick.  
  
“Nah man, just a casual thing, met him at the Black Cat a few weeks ago, we just booty call”  
  
“You always booty call, you ‘aint getting any younger Mick, gotta grab that ass and keep it”  
  
He tensed a little when Pete called him Mick, luckily it didn’t happen a lot. Mickey is already a shortened name so most people keep it like that, he fucking hated it when anybody called him Mick. It reminded him of The Ex.

“Fuck you, I look like a fucking teenager still, especially compared to your old ugly ass, you’re single too man!” Mickey scoffed at Pete  
  
“Yeah but I don’t choose to be, you do though”  
  
Mickey took a bite of his sandwich, crinkled his nose up and looked inside it. PB&J, fucking Yevgeny had made his lunch today. Cute, but he fucking hated how thick Yev made the Peanut butter it always stuck to the roof of his mouth, made it dry. He hated that feeling. He changed the subject from his love life.  
  
“All you boys comin’ to The Dive tonight?”  
  
The Dive was the name of the bar they went to and it was exactly what the name said it was. A Dive. Mickey felt right at home, it reminded him of the Alibi in Chicago, except it smelt a little less like piss and vomit. Probably because they didn’t let in bums like Frank Gallagher.  
  
Gallagher. Fuck, now his mind was racing to memories of another Gallagher. One that he hadn’t heard from or seen since that first and last visit in jail at the beginning of his sentence. He purposely tried not to think of him, The Ex, hurt too much. Made him too angry and he had worked a lot through his anger and he tried to keep that shit down as best as he could these days. But here he was with the memory of dark red hair, bright green eyes and a smile that spread from one ear to the other. Memories of drinking, fighting and fucking. _Oh god the fucking._ Every single person he has been with hasn’t compared to being with The Ex. He felt someone nudge his arm and looked up to see the boys leaving the table as Kyle called out to him.

“Yo Mickey, back to work man… Bell just rang. You too busy thinking about that dick you got last night hey”  
  
He wished that last night’s dick was the dick he was thinking about, he really fucking did.

 

* * *

 

 

  
“Ian, on your way home from work can you pick up more oatmeal, running low honey”

  
_Cringe._ He hates it when Jesse he calls him honey. If it was said sarcastically, he could deal with it. But no, his boyfriend was in to the whole pet name thing. He means it when he calls him Honey, Sweetie, Baby and the one he hates the most, Cutie pie. _Cringe, fucking cringe!_  
  
“Sure thing, I’ll be home late though. They’ve got all us oldies doing a refresher course tonight”  
  
_Lie. Big fat LIE_

“Really? I thought you did one a month ago”

_Shit. I’m busted, think Ian think!_

‘That was practical stuff, this is theory. Getting us up to date with a few regulations and different types of Chemical fires, but I’ll still get your oatmeal.”  
  
_C’mon take the bait, swallow this lie and fuck off._

“Ok sweetie, I’ll see you later then. Love you”  
  
And a big fat wet sloppy kiss lands on his cheek. He needs to get out of this relationship. He’s been with this one for 8 months. He basically has been living in Jesse's apartment with him after only being together for 6 months, which was fine at the time but the last two months have been pure hell. Lovey Dovey fucking Hell! Thank god he kept his apartment, he tries to stay there as often as he can making up excuses that his room mate needs him home, if he doesn;t make an excuse he has to put up with Jesse whining like a little bitch that he'll miss his sweet lips too much. _UGHHHHH!_  
  
This is why he broke up with Micheal, Shannon, David and Caleb. It just gets to sickening. No passion, no fire, nothing but this awkward monotonous bullshit. Plain and simple, it’s just boring mundane togetherness. It usually happens as follows: He meets hot guys, bangs hot guys, then he finds one he likes, gets attached, things go well for a few months then this happens. Ian gets really fucking bored. He feels nothing for them. So usually he cheats, gets caught on purpose and they break up with him.  
  
He knows he has a problem; well he has lots of them actually. This problem though is simple, Ian hates love. Really fucking hates it. But he craves it too at the same time. He want’s that special kind of love though, the one that consumes you, takes over your world, a love that doesn’t fizzle out. Something so strong that it makes everything around you seem bland and tasteless, everything but the love you are feeling for this one person. And he can’t find it anymore. He had it once. But he fucked it up and by the time he realised what was going on. It was too late.  
  
_Mickey._  
  
He had that love with Mickey. It was passionate, frightening all-consuming fucking amazing love. He needs to find that again. Mickey is also the reason why he pushes his boyfriends to break up with him. He can’t bring himself to break up with someone ever again after he ended things with Mickey. The moment he tries he breaks out in hives and almost vomits, he pictures the current boyfriend as Mickey and he panics. He just can’t do it.  
  
He grabs his bag and heads to the station. He can’t wait to get out of this apartment anyway, he can’t fucking breathe in here.  
  
He rocks up at the station and sighs, somehow Caleb has ended up on the same shift as him. Just to fuck with this shitty day a little more.  
  
They had dated for two years straight after his break up from Mickey and Ian had eventually pushed him away. He was just to, well, nice.  
  
It sounds stupid but he couldn’t handle it after a while. They got into this weird routine and it was just so boring. Towards the end they totally had stopped having sex.  
  
Ian had purposely gone and fucked some guy in an alley way and let him leave Hickeys all over his neck. He didn’t hide them when he got home and Caleb had lost it. The guy turned into a quivering blubbery mess. And then they we’re done. That was over 6 years ago now.  
  
The first few months they deliberately avoided each other at work. Then their rosters coincided and Caleb would keep pestering him. Telling him they could work it out, that he loved him. Ian ignored it. Then Caleb would corner him and tell him how fucked in the head Ian was, that he would sabotage himself because he didn’t think he was worthy of love. That had really pissed Ian off. They had a couple of punch ups over bullshit and since then the Chief had kept them on totally different shifts. Well, until today.  
  
“Wasn’t my plan man, Jeremy’s sick and I was the only one available to cover his shift” Caleb said as he glared at Ian.  
  
“Whatever” Ian didn’t look at him, he just shifted the weight of his bag on his shoulder and made his was past the office towards the locker room. As he walked past the office he heard his bosses voice yell out to him.  
  
“Gallagher, you wanna head into my office for a second”  
  
Ian froze and looked at his boss. _Fuck, what am I in trouble for now?_  
  
“Yeah, Chief. Should I put my stuff away first or you want me to head in now”  
  
“Whenever’s fine Gallagher”  
  
He puts his stuff away and heads in. Straightening himself up, he sees Caleb snigger at him and he starts to feel sweat pooling above his brow.  
  
_Seriously. What the fuck have I done?_  
  
“Take a seat”  
  
He sits down and tries to gauge the other guy’s facial expression, but the boss is unreadable. He can’t figure out why the hell he would be in here. It had to be about Caleb though. Ian was a good fireman. He did everything by the book, his attendance was perfect. He was the guy everybody would call if they needed their shift covered. He was the best of the best here and he couldn’t figure out what would warrant him to be called into the Chief’s office. It had to be about Caleb, it couldn’t be anything else.  
  
“Look Chief, I’ll be fine to do this shift with Caleb, I’ll just work on the trucks and he can do shit inside or something. I won’t make a problem, I swear. What happened last time won’t happen again. I promised you and I’m a man of my word…”  
  
“Calm down Ian. It’s nothing like that. Look, I called you in here because you asked for a transfer a few years back and I was wondering if you were still interested”  
  
Ian had been dying to get out of this station, move somewhere, anywhere else. He wanted a fresh start. Wipe the slate clean, move on with his life. Maybe actually settle down. He’d stayed in Chicago for too many years. He needed an out. Hopefully this was finally it.

“Definitely, I mean, I like working here everyone’s great but, fresh start, new place… Yeah I’m really interested. Where is it?”  
  
His boss dropped the job transfer sheets in front of him and Ian’s eyes popped when he saw the city that he was hopefully moving to. He smiled up to his Chief with excitement.  
  
“Pack your bags then Gallagher, you’re moving to New York”

 

* * *

  
  
  
  
“Mickey, dinner, Svet made that shit you hate again”

Emily interrupted Mickey from watching the news. He hated whenever Svetlana cooked, it was always her Russian food. It was too rich for him. He was a pizza kind of guy, maybe the occasional burger and fries. He sighed and made his way to the Kitchen table.  
   
“Fucking really Lana? I swear you do this shit to fucking torture me” he said as he pulled out the chair and took his place across from his son. Svetlana dumped his plate in front of him and then slapped the back of his head, typical Svetlana behaviour.

“Good for Yevgeny to have food from homeland”  
  
Yev smiled at him whilst digging into his food.

“This shit isn’t from Chicago”

Emily laughed almost spitting a full mouth of food out, Svetlana glared at him from across the table.

“Russia you asshole. Eat”

“Dad, if you don’t like it maybe you should learn to cook something other than grilled cheese or pop tarts and then you can cook dinner”  
  
This kid had some lip on him. Always coming out with smart ass comments, wonder where he gets it from? Definitely Mickey’s boy that’s for sure

“Hey I cook them pizza bagels too, you should be on my side little man, us boys ‘supposed to stick together.”  
  
He leant over and ruffled Yevgenny’s dark brown hair. The kid put his most innocent expression on before speaking as eloquently as he could.

“We shouldn’t take sides Dad, this is a family and we all stick together here.”

“Suck up”  
  
Svetlana leant across the table and slapped Mickey’s forehead

“He is good boy, he knows family important. Shut up and Eat”

“Still a suck up, you got homework we can work on this weekend?”  
  
They always did Yev’s home work together since he’s been at home with them. Not that Mickey was much of a help. His kid was smart and most of the time Mickey would find that he was the one learning from Yev not the other way round. It made him proud to know that his kid would probably be the first, if not the only Milkovich to finish high school, he hoped he would even go to college.  
  
“Nah dad, I’m all up to date, heading over to Donald’s house this weekend, he’s having a birthday party and his mum said I could stay all weekend”  
  
Mickey was a little disappointed, he liked lazy weekends with Yev. But he got it, the kid was growing up, who wants to hang with their boring old dad if they had friends. Mickey had never really had friends when he was Yev’s age. He just had his family. Most kids stayed away from the Milkovich’s because they were nothing but trouble. It was good being in a new place where no one knew the family’s reputation and Yev had a fresh start.

“Donald, who the fuck names there kid after a cartoon duck?”

“Dad my names Yevgeny, probably shouldn’t be talking shit about naming your kids weirdly”  
  
Mickey bellowed out a laugh, Svetlana slapped the back of Yevgeny’s head. She did that a lot to both of her boys.

“Ouch mama!”

“Watch your mouth Yevgeny and i won’t have to slap you”

They finished dinner up, Mickey and Yevgeny did the dishes together considering Emily and Svetlana had done the cooking. It was the rule of the house

  
“You heading out tonight?” Emily had come up to him with a beer, it was their usual after dinner tradition to have a beer and a smoke together. He pointed to the balcony, Emily nodded and they walked out together as Mickey answered her.

“Yeah, meeting up with a guy at the Black Cat”  
  
She lit up a cigarette and handed it to Mickey before lighting up one of her own. She leant against the balcony rail as Mickey leaned his back against their sliding door. He was looking out at all the lights that surrounded New York. He loved this view.

“You got yourself a boyfriend Mickey?”

She raised an eyebrow at him quizzically, both her and Svet we’re always pestering him about his sex life. Mickey wasn’t shy with them about it, they we’re family. They never judged him.

  
“Nah, not like that Em’s just fuck buddy kind of a thing. Simon, the guy I told you about a couple of weeks ago. We hook up sometimes.”  
  
He ashed his cigarette and took another drag, he blew out a cloud of smoke, making rings in the air with it. Emily turned around to properly face him.

“Isn’t that the clingy guy? Thought you we’re gonna dump his ass”

“Yeah but he’s a guaranteed bang, you know me, I’ll move on when I find something else I like”  
  
She butted her cigarette out and laughed at him.  
  
“You’re such a little slut Mickey Milkovich”  
  
“When you’ve got an ass this sweet, it would be a crime not to share it around a little”

They both went inside and Mickey got dressed up for a night of fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a few little adjustments made as i didn't explain Ian's living arrangements properly which confused his situation for later chapters xx


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey fucking Milkovich...
> 
>  
> 
> Ian fucking Gallagher...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always Kudos and Comments if you're liking this so far.
> 
> xo
> 
> I try and update pretty regularly x

New York was amazing. Ian was loving it already. He had arrived a week ago, got his new apartment set up and he’d been to the station house to meet everyone even though he didn’t officially start for another week. He had been taking his time to settle in to his new apartment, check out his new home town.  
  
It had been hard to say goodbye to his family but they all new how much Ian needed to move on with his life, get out of Chicago. Everyone had their own life now and they were all settled and happy. Ian needed to get out there and find his own happiness and it just wasn’t happening in Chicago.  
  
Fiona lived in a small apartment with Liam on the north side, she worked in event management now and Liam was almost finishing primary school.  
  
Carl was in Jail, got busted with guns and he was over age now, so he moved up from Juvie into the big house.  
  
Debs was married to a nice guy, they had two kids. She also ran a Day care, an official one now, not like the one they had at the house they grew up in.  
  
Lip was a professor now, still single and banging anything with a heartbeat, he had moved to Miami, reckons the chicks are hotter and down for anything there. He was getting old, he needed to settle down but he just couldn’t stick with one girl for long.

That house had been sold, and everyone had moved on.

  
So Ian had up and moved, excited when the transfer had come through. He was really happy because his best friend had moved with him. She didn’t want him to get homesick and her job wasn’t really doing it for her anymore. Mandy worked in a diner and had been there ever since she moved back after dumping that asshole Kenyatta 6 years ago. She had come running back to Ian, who took her into his apartment on the north side. Ever since then, they’d been inseparable again. So when he said he was moving to New York she asked how long she had to pack and if she could choose their new apartment and that was that.

“Yo ass face, wanna go scope out a place to party? I feel like getting my drink on?”

Ian and Mandy were sitting on the lounge watching a movie; she had been fidgeting and sighing for a while. She always has to be doing something. He really couldn’t be bothered but he knew she would be annoying all night if they stayed in.

“Yeah, sounds good to me. Where you wanna go?”  
  
The moment he said that she sat up in the chair, face beaming with excitement.

“I googled the best gay bar near here and I figure we could go there, you can shake your thing at the hotties and I can get drunk without worrying about sleazy guys trying to get in my skirt”  


Ian laughed at her and ran his hands through his hair.  
  
“So instead I have to worry about sleazy guys trying to get in my pants?”  
  
“You love that shit though”  
  
She did have a point.

“True, let’s go!”  
  
  


They got dressed up, Mandy taking too long in the bathroom as per usual. Ian had pulled on a nice pair of black skinny leg Jeans and a tight white top. That would do. Show’s his package off well and his muscles. He would pick up tonight, he usually always did.  
  
The club wasn’t too full. Just enough to be able to comfortably move around without too many sweaty guys brushing up against you everywhere you walked. Ian and Mandy went straight to the bar and downed three tequila shots each to get their night started; they grabbed some beers and tried to find a good place to scope out the hot guys. Mandy, being the lover of all gay guys, found herself bumping and grinding with a couple of guys up on the podium, Ian stood back and laughed at her whilst he danced underneath her.  
  
“Hey”  
  
He looked over at the blonde guy who had nudged him. He was alright, about the same height as Ian, with possibly shoulder length blonde hair that was pulled up in a man bun, not usually Ian’s thing, but the body was hot and as Ian eyed him up and down he thought that this one had some potential.  
  
“Hey yourself”  
  
He slurred back after they had both eye fucked each other enough.  
  
“You come here often”  
  
Ian let out a laugh at the man’s corny pick up line. He leaned into the man’s ear as the music got a little bit louder. He placed his hand on the guy’s chest to feel his muscles as he leant in to talk.  
  
“That’s your pick up line, Ok… no I just moved here, first time here”  
  
The guy copied Ian’s move, hand on his chest and leaning into Ian’s ear  
  
“You liking what you see so far”  
  
The guy pulled back to look at Ian’s face, his dark brown eyes full of lust and want. His lip twitched up at the side into a seductive smirk. Fuck it, this might be fun Ian thought.  
  
“Yeah, doesn’t look too bad at all”  


Ian looked up at Mandy so she could see that he was leaving for a moment. She was used to the routine. Ian would leave for maybe 20 or 45 minutes and then find her again if she stayed in the same spot. She gave him the thumbs up so he grabbed the guy by the hand and headed for the bathroom. He hated fucking in bathrooms, but it kind of secretly made him a little excited. Like he was doing something that he wasn’t supposed to do. It gave him a thrill.  
  
This guy was fucking hope less; he had no rhythm and was fucking loud. Ian ended up placing his hand over the guy’s mouth half way through pounding him to shut him up. When they were done the guy tried to kiss him and Ian pulled away. He generally didn’t kiss random hook ups, felt to personal and intimate for him now.  
  
“Not really a kisser, sorry man”  
  
Ian apologised as the guy was doing up his fly and looking at Ian hesitantly.  
  
“All good, wanna take my number? We could do this again?”  
  
_Please god no._ Ian pulled out his usual let down. He was pulling his pants up avoiding eye contact with the guy.  
  
“Sorry man, not into dating or anything, kind of like the one night stands, ya know”  
  
“Oh… Yeah…Ok”  
  
Ian glanced over and saw the bummed look in the guy’s face. Ian got out of there real quick and headed back over to where he remembered seeing Mandy, she wasn’t up on the podium so Ian walked over there to see if she was nearby. He was scanning the nearby crowd when he finally saw her with a guy, he could see her face over his shoulder as she hugged him, and she looked like she was crying. Ian freaked out thinking that someone had done something and this guy must have saved her or something. A hot knight in shining armour, he could only see the back of the guy though, but he liked what he could see.  
  
He was Mandy’s height, so a head shorter than Ian. He had dark hair, really nice shoulders and arms; they looked really good in his tight grey top. He looked at the guys back, lingering on his extremely hot ass in a pair of dark denim jeans, and then looked back at Mandy’s face as he walked over to them. She looked at his face in shock. He was now just a few feet in front of her.

“Ian…” She said.  
  
The guy that was hugging her turned around and Ian felt his stomach drop.  
He should've recognised that ass, that fucking round bubble butt that he hadn't ever been able to erase from his memories...  
That ass belonged to the one and only...

_Mickey fucking Milkovich_

 

  
  


* * *

 

 

 

 

Mickey had gone to the club and met his friend Simon. They had met a few weeks ago and had hooked up a few times since then, the guy was a decent lay. A little too clingy and touchy but he would do for now. They had been drinking in a booth when he heard his name over a lull in the music, he followed the sound and found his sister on a podium dancing with two guys. He watched completely stunned, slowly sliding out of the booth he was in, as she leapt off the podium and dived into his arms crying.  
  
“Oh my god Mick, you’re out! You’re really out! What the fuck! God I’ve missed you…”  
  
And the rest was a blubbering mess. He hadn’t expected this at all from her. He knew he would see her again but hadn’t expected this kind of reaction. Her held her close and hugged her tight. He hadn’t realised just how much he missed her until she was in his arms. Out of all his family, he was always the closest with her. Sometimes they would huddle together in the laundry hiding from Terry when they were little and he would hold her whilst she quietly sobbed. Holding her right now reminded him off that time. She pulled back so she could get a good look at him  
  
“You look so fucking good Mickey, How are you here? What the fuck. I am so blown away right now. Are you real I should pinch you to see if you are real!”  


And Mandy being Mandy, did just that. She pinched his face, right on the cheek. And she wasn’t gentle about it.  
  
“Ouch… The fuck Mandy”  
  
Once she was certain he was real, she threw her arms around his neck and cried over his shoulder again.  


“Oh it’s you it’s really you….Shit…Ian….”

Mickey was confused when she said that name, she pulled back from him and was staring over his shoulder, he turned around already knowing, dreading the face he was going to see.  
  
“The fuck”

That’s all that came out of his mouth when he saw his Ex. He looked really fucking good. Somehow he had gotten a little taller; his hair was still that dark red that Mickey remembered. Eye’s still vibrant green. He had a few lines around his eyes and his mouths now. But they looked good on him, a part from that he hadn’t seemed to age much.  
  
“Mick?”  
  
The voice shook through his body, sending him back all those years. All those years that he had tried to run away from. Before Mickey could pick his jaw up from the floor and figure out how to speak again Simon had walked over and draped his arm around Mickey’s shoulders  
  
“Friends of yours Mick?”  
  
Mickey finally tore his eyes away from his Ex and looked at Simon and smiled.  
  
“Ahhhh…This is my little sister Mandy and this is…. Her friend Ian”  
  
“Oh wow, his sister, wow! Oh, hey I’m Simon, the guy he’s seeing”

Simon paid minimal attention to Ian at first, who was still staring at Mickey. Simon began to hug Mandy as if they were long lost friends much to Mandy’s obvious discomfort. He then grabbed Ian’s hand and shook it. Ian finally looked at Simon and smiled. He didn’t speak though.  
  
  
_Great. Did he actually just call himself the guy that he'd been seeing?_  
  
He looked at his Ex for some kind of sign of how hearing that made him feel. But Ian was now looking around the club so he face wasn’t readable to Mickey, not like he really had thought that he would care anyway.  
  
“Nice to meet you Simon, isn’t it Ian. Ian, say hi to Simon you ass”  
  
Mandy was nudging Ian’s shoulder trying to get his attention. Ian smiled his fake smile again and greeted Simon properly.

“Errr… Hi, Yeah, nice to meet you. When did you get out?”  
  
One minute Ian was smiling at Simon, greeting him and the next he had spun himself to face Mickey directly. Mickey was shocked that Ian had actually spoken to him. It was getting louder in the club and he couldn’t really tell what he said, he didn’t even think about what he was doing as he leaned a little closer to try to hear him, although something in his body had subconsciously stopped him from making any physical contact with Ian.  
  
“What?” he asked the tall redhead.

Ian leant in closer too and now they we’re just inches apart. Mickey turned his head so that Ian could talk into his ear, and so that he could have his lips and eyes away from Ian’s. He could feel Ian’s hot breathe on his neck and he hated the way his body betrayed his heart and began sending short bursts of electricity through his body as Ian’s words left his soft lips.

  
“I ASKED WHEN DID YOU GET OUT?”

“OHHH.. ABOUT 7 MONTHS AGO…”  
  
He was trying to stop his voice from shaking, hopefully because of the music Ian hadn’t noticed.

“Mickey… MICK, COME OUTSIDE...TOO LOUD!”

Mandy, was pulling at his arm and motioning to outside as she tried to yell at him. He nodded at his sister as she made her way outside holding him by his arm, to his surprise Ian followed them, and even more surprising fucking Simon followed along too.  
  
“Sorry, couldn’t hear in there, wanna go grab a coffee at the shop over there, we can catch up a little?”  
  
Mandy asked as they finally made it outside, nervously Mickey lit up a smoke. He needed something to calm him down because now that they were outside he could see Ian’s face and body better in the light of the street lamps. Fuck, he looked really good. He had taken a few drags and then Simon leant against his arm and took the smoke out of his mouth and put it up to his own lips. Mickey glanced over and Ian, he had his head down and was kicking some invisible rocks on the ground with his foot and had both hands in his pockets.

“Ummm… Ok”

Mickey finally replied and the four of them made their way across the road and settled in to a booth at the diner. Mickey found a booth and slid into the seat near the window and Simon slid in next to Mickey, as close as he could. Mandy slid in to her seat and placed herself in front of Mickey, which left Ian sitting across from Simon. The waitress came over and poured them four cups of coffee. Mickey stared in to the black warm liquid. Not touching the cup. He glanced over and noticed Ian gripping both hands to his cup tightly. He was probably cold and using the cup for warmth. He was also smiling tightly at Simon  
  
 “So… What the fuck MICK!”Mandy said, breaking the silence. Mickey looked over at her and smiled.

“Hahaha, you’ve said that a lot already Mandy. What the hell are you doing here?”  
  
He quickly glanced over at Ian again; he was now looking around the diner. Poor guy, he looks like he’s looking for an escape route.

“We moved here like last week!! Hahaha, Ian got transferred and I followed him. Couldn’t let him out on the big bad world by himself, you not with this sweet face”  
  
Mandy had grabbed his face and smooshed it, so that Ian was making a fish face. Despite himself Mickey laughed, and so did Ian when she finally let go of his face. Both Mickey and Ian looked at each other a little longer before Simon’s voice made them both look away.  


“Is Ian your boyfriend Mandy”  
  
Simon had wrapped both of his arms around Mickeys arm hugging it tight and leaning his face against Mickey’s shoulder as he leant over Mickey to talk to Mandy. Both Mandy and Ian stared at what he was doing before looking at Mickey. Mickey just smiled at them. Eventually Mandy looked at Simon and answered his question.

“God no, he’s a raging homo unfortunately for me, he actually used to date…

Mickey quickly interjected. He didn’t want to get into the relationship story of him and his Ex. So he changed the subject before Mandy could finish what she was saying.

“You should come see Yevgeny; he would love to see you! It’s been a few years now, kids big as all hell. Fucking smart as fuck too. Don’t ask me where he gets it from”  
  
Mandy grinned at him when he mentioned Yev’s name, thank god, she was now distracted. _Mission accomplished, awkwardness averted._

“You were always smart Mick”  
  
Mickey’s head turned to Ian’s as he heard his comment. Ian was smiling at him and had such a soft look on his face. Mickey felt a flutter in his chest; he cleared his throat and looked at Mandy. He needed to get out of here. Suddenly the diner felt small and suffocating and Simon was too close to him and Ian’s voice was like knives piercing his heart again and again and again… He cleared his throat and began to talk  
  
“Whatever, anyways, give me your number and we can have you over for dinner sometime, yeah?”  
  
He nudged Simon a little to hint to him to move so he could get out. Simon eagerly obeyed and they both stood up out of the booth.

“Oh… You going?”  
  
Mandy’s face fell when she saw them move. Ian had gone back to staring at his untouched coffee.

“Yeah… Umm thanks, I’ve really fucking missed you Mandy, you have to call me soon k. Promise?”  
  
Mandy pushed Ian out the booth so she could hug her brother again.

“Of course I will doofus! I missed you too”  
  
She kissed him lightly on the cheek; he smiled at her and hugged her again. Mandy turned to Simon and hugged him awkwardly.

“Nice to meet you Simon”

“So good to meet you too Mandy, I look forward to seeing you again. Bye Ian”

Ian didn’t even acknowledge Simon, he was staring at Mickey again. Mickey quickly grabbed Simon’s arm to try and get out of that diner as fast as he could. He turned around to walk out.  
  
“Good to see you again Mick”  
  
He heard Ian’s voice but he didn’t turn around, he waved though.

  
“You too Gallagher”

  
As they finally made their way outside Mickey’s brain finally soaked in what had just happened.

_Fuck. Shit. Fuck_  
  
_That was Ian fucking Gallagher._


	3. Chapter 3

Ian and Mandy had decided to head home straight after their coffee with Mickey and his stupid happy boyfriend.  
They we’re walking home and Mandy was so happy, skipping along with her arms linked with Ian’s, dragging him along at her pace.  
  
“Oh my god Ian, can you believe that we just saw Mickey?”   
  
“Mandy, can we just go home. Please.”  
  
He was exhausted from faking his smile the whole time that they were with Mickey and fucking Simon. Simon who nuzzled Mickey, linked arms with him, made those stupid fucking goo-goo eyes at him. God Ian wanted to gut him like a slimy fucking fish.  
  
Mandy slowed her pace and looked up at Ian’s face. He was frowning, wrinkle lines forming on his forehead.  
  
“Yeah…Sorry Ian. You Ok?”  
  
“Not really Mands, that was really fucking weird, all the places, all the fucking cities and we find Mickey? He looked good though, really good. I thought maybe Jail would like really screw him up, but he seemed really good. Like even a little gentler. He barely even swore back there, he always swears. And he didn’t insult you, or me. He always does that and he…”  
  
Ian was rambling; he did that nowadays when he got overwhelmed. And boy was he overwhelmed right now. He had thought that Mickey was still in Jail, and never in a million years did he think that when he got out he would leave Southside. He knew that it had been about 9 years since he last saw Mickey, but he had changed so much. Grown up. Then again, so had Ian.   
  
“Ian.. Ian, calm down. Calm down. It’s ok. Wow, look at me…”   
  
Mandy had pulled them up to a stop and was grabbing Ian’s face with both of her cold hands, looking into his eyes and trying to calm him down with her softest voice. She took a good look at him, sighed and started walking again, leaving Ian to hurry behind her.   
  
“What the fuck Ian, seriously! I thought you were over my brother? I can see it all over your face right now, you’re not!”   
  
He finally reached her and pulled her to a stop this time and looked at her. Her blue eyes cold and angry.   
  
“I am Mandy, I am, it’s been years. I’m just in shock. You can’t tell me you aren’t a little fucking shocked about what the fuck just happened?”   
  
She sighed again and they both started walking, hands in pockets staring into the dark cold night.   
  
“Yeah I am, and I understand your awkwardness about the whole thing. But, just promise me that you’re really over him. We haven’t talked about it in years, and seeing you tonight around him. I’m just worried is all.”  
  
She glanced over at him when she spoke and Ian saw the look of concerned etched all over her face.   
  
“I am fine, really. I was just a little surprised, it’s normal. I’m over Mickey and I have been for years. You know that, you really don’t have to worry about me.”   
  
He linked his arm through hers and pulled her close to him, smiling at her.  
  
“Can I be honest with you?”   
  
He raised his eyebrow at her giving her a look that meant, _of course you can you idiot,_ she continued speaking  
  
“I don’t know if it’s you or him that I’m more worried about Ian.”   
  
He was a little taken back by the look in her face when she spoke, he stopped walking and looked at her in the eyes.   
  
“What’s that supposed to mean”   
  
She kept walking and avoided looking at him. They had never really discussed the break up between Ian and Mickey, never discussed what was happening with him in Jail either. When she came back to Chicago he knew that she was still in contact with Mickey, he overheard phone calls and saw the envelopes on the table with the prison address on them. But they never discussed it. Ian just went about his life and left any discussion about Mickey out of it. Mandy had never so much as brought his name up around Ian.   
  
“I’m not going to pretend that I understood your relationship or your break up. I just know that none of it was good for either of you Ian. He’s out now, he looks good and I really hope he is doing good too. I don’t want the fact that you are here to mess anything up for him. He wasn’t in a good place for a really long time after you ended things, but he looks a lot better now and he has that guy, Simon. As for you, you have a fresh start here. You’re supposed to be leaving Chicago behind. That means leaving Mickey behind too. He’s my brother Ian and I love him. You’re my best friend and I love you too. I just think you’re probably better off staying apart. That’s my opinion though.”   
  
Ian looked up towards the sky as small snowflakes landed on his hot burning cheeks, the mention of Mickey’s boyfriend had angered him, hurt him. He didn’t want Mandy to see his face react this way so he kept it towards the sky until the snow had cooled it down. Mickey did look good and Ian didn’t want to get in the way of his life again.   
  
“You’re right Mandy but I never said I was still in to him. We just bumped into the guy and it took me by surprise alright. I think you are the one that needs to chill out and calm down. I’m fine Ok. I have no intentions of coming back into his life or whatever. So…. Are you gonna see him again?”  
  
“Of course I fucking am, he’s my fucking brother! I just don’t want to make things awkward for either of you”   
  
He sighed and leant against her, kissing the top of her head as they continued on their journey home.   
  
“It’ll be awkward for a while Mandy. But we’re fucking grown-ups now, I’m 28, he’s what… 30? Fuck, he’s 30! Any ways, my point is we can be fucking civil. I’m not going to get in the way of you having a relationship with Mickey and Yevgeny. I would love to see Yev too. I haven’t seen him since they left Chicago, he was such a beautiful little boy, and he’d be what… almost 10 now?”   
  
Mandy let out a small laugh   
  
“Shit, yeah he would be.”   
  
They had made it to the front of their apartment building and they were both dying to get in from the cold.   
  
“C’mon lets go inside and snuggle on the couch. I’ll let you pick a stupid action movie or something, as long as you play with my hair whilst I fall asleep in your lap”   
  
Ian pulled her into the elevator and hugged her laughing into her hair  
  
“Isn’t that basically what happens every night?”  
  
“Hell yeah it is, no need to fuck with the routine right?”   
  
Ian spent the rest of the night with Mandy on the couch, true to form she placed her head in his lap and he ran his fingers through her hair and she drifted off to sleep 15 minutes into the movie. He sat there contemplating what Mandy was saying to him on their walk home.  
  
He was over Mickey, he had been for a really long time. The day they broke up, he wasn’t quite over it then. He thought he was, but his thoughts hadn’t actually been, well, Sane ones. He was still coming down from a manic episode, adjusting to new pills and he had run away with his fucked up mother. She had dribbled so much shit in his head that he actually thought Bi polar Ian, without meds, was fine. Anybody trying to help him was actually the enemy, they didn’t like Ian for who he was and they wanted to change him, fix him, turn him into someone that wasn’t Ian any more. Because he was so fucked up at the time, he believed her. So he had ended things with Mickey the day he got back.   
  
Mickey had also been locked up on that day because of the attempted murder, resulting in him getting a 15 year sentence for attempted murder. He had tried to kill Ian’s half-sister Sammi, bitch deserved it for ratting Ian in and getting him locked up. He had visited Mickey only once in Jail, Svetlana had paid him to do it. It makes Ian sick to the stomach to remember that. What a fucking asshole he was.  
  
Once the meds had actually kicked in and Ian was somewhat Ian again, well he had met Caleb and Caleb had shown Ian what a ‘real’ relationship was. He had actually gone on a date, held hands and made out in public. They started with kissing and then led on to the other stuff. This was a ‘normal’ relationship and it was nice.  
  
His relationship with Mickey had been anything but normal. But after time, nice just wasn’t enough for Ian and he began to miss what he had before, with Mickey. Passion and Love. His mind began to wander to when he first was with Mickey. He thought of the first time they fucked, when he had gone to get the gun Mickey had stolen from Kash and they fought, punching hard and throwing each other around the room until he was pinned to the bed with his head between Mickey’s thighs and then they were throwing clothes around instead of fists. They fucked, frantically, that day. It was amazing and Ian was in love right then and there. Ian had gone to kiss him afterwards, Mickey threatened that if Ian tried to, he’d cut his tongue out, and that’s what their relationship was like.  
  
They fucked for years like that, never kissing, barely talking. Not like friends or lovers talked anyway. Just insults back and forth. They had gotten there in the end, after all the bullshit with Terry, the marriage and the birth of Yevgenny. Fuck that had been hard times, Mickey had shut everything down over all that shit, Ian pushing and pushing until he finally got in to Mickey’s heart. But that all went to shit after the Bi polar crap.  
  
Mickey had tried to take care of him, had stood by him but at that time, that wasn’t what Ian needed. He needed space to sort his shit out, figure out what his new life was going to be. How being Bi polar was going to change him. He felt suffocated by Mickey and he couldn’t handle the look he would give him, his chest would tighten and he couldn’t breathe. That look that would make him feel broken and ruined. He had to let go… so he did.  
  
He moved on with his life and just let Mickey go. It was somehow so easy at the beginning, especially with Caleb there. But slowly Mickey made his way back into his head over the years. And there was a part of him that was always with Ian. But that’s normal for your first love to always be a part of you, still consume a corner or your heart. It was totally normal, I didn’t mean anything?   
  
Even though when Ian had finally been face to face with him, that small part of his heart that Mickey owned grew a little more. It really didn’t mean a thing. Did it?   
  
“You still awake?”  
  
Mandy’s sleepy voice woke him up from his thoughts and he looked down at her as she opened her eyes, head still resting in his lap.   
  
“Yeah, but i'm going to head off to bed now, I’ll see you in the morning?”   
  
He left Mandy and headed to his room closing the door and leaning his head against it with a quiet groan.  
  
If he was really over Mickey, why could he not stop thinking about him right now?   
He kept picturing his soft lips twitching up into a devilish smirk, he's eyes that would look at you, Ice cold blue that made red hot fire burn through your body from just one look. The way he still walked with his Mickey swagger. The way his ass hugged his jeans that you could see the sweet curve of it so perfectly well and all you wanted to do was bite it, grab it and fuck it hard...  
  
If he was so over his ex boyfriend, why the fuck did he have the hugest erection straining against his pants?  
  
  
  


 

 

* * *

 

  
  
  
  
“So what was with you and that guy back there?”  
  
Mickey was leaning against a dumpster in a back alley near the club. He couldn’t go back in because he was worried that he was going to see his Ex again, he needed to get him out of his head. Simon seemed like a good distraction so he had taken him to an alley way and pushed Simon down on his knees, and unzipped his pants and as per usual Simon was willing to please Mickey. He had immediately pulled Mickey’s dick out and set his mouth to work. Unfortunately, mid blow job, Simon had pulled back and brought Mickey’s mind back onto the redhead that Mickey was trying really fucking hard to stop from popping up whilst he was getting sucked off. Seems Simon had other thoughts.  
  
“Huh? What guy”   
  
Mickey replied us nonchalant as he could. He tried to push Simon's head back towards his throbbing cock but Simon pulled his head back and looked up at Mickey   
  
“Ian, your sisters _friend._ ”

Mickey gave up at the mention of Ian's name and put his dick back in his pants. _Mood spoilt._   
  
“Nothing, we all grew up together, that’s all.”   
  
He shrugged and pulled his cigarettes out. If he wasn’t going to get any release from a blow job, the nicotine would at least help soothe him. Simon was standing now, leaning into Mickey.   
  
“Didn’t look like that to me. Kinda looked like you knew him _real_ well”  
  
Mickey glared into Simon’s eyes and blew his smoke directly into his face and pushed himself off the wall. _Fuck this shit._   
  
He began heading to his car. Sex seemed to be off the cards tonight, and right when he really fucking needed it.  
  
“Seriously simon, just fucking drop it”   
  
As persistent as ever, Simon followed him, grabbing him by the arm when he eventually caught up to Mickey.  
  
“It’s just that..”  
  
Mickey needed to shut him up and now, other wise he was going to use his fist to do it. He pulled Simon up against his car. Face hot an angry breathing heavily into the scared man in front of him, fist curled into the collar of his shirt, knuckles white hot with tension.   
  
“You wanna gas bag like a fucking teenage girl, or you wanna get the fuck on me?”  
  
He opened the car door and pushed Simon inside, he needed to fuck. Hard. Get the redhead fucked right out of his brain.  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, but i promise i will make it up to you in the next few chapters!
> 
> Thanks for all the Kudos and Comments!!
> 
> LOVE YOU ALL xoxox

He still can’t believe that night had happened. It had been a week since he had seen Mandy and his Ex at the Black Cat. He had hesitated for a few days before finally calling her. They chatted for hours catching up on lost time. He basically talked about Yevgeny, his job, talked a little about the other family members, but not much. Mandy spoke about breaking it off with Kenyatta and moving home to Ian’s, and how they had been living together ever since. Like he really wanted to know about that. Her living in domestic bliss with the guy he had always imagined himself living with. Anyway, Svetlana had grabbed the phone off him at some point and had invited Mandy and Ian over for dinner on Friday, which was today.  
  
“You look nice, smell nice too… putting in a bit off an effort just to have your sister over?”Emily smiled at him knowingly.  
  
He had put in a _lot_ more effort than he usually did. He was wearing a light blue dress shirt with a pair of black jeans. He had bought the jeans today, all his other ones we’re faded or had a couple of holes and he wanted to look like he was doing ok for himself. He felt this need for Ian to see that he had grown up, moved on and he was doing good. He wasn’t really one for nice cologne; deodorant was usually enough for Mickey. But he had bought some of that nice smelling shit today. He felt like a bit of an idiot right now. He just wanted to impress Ian. He looked at Emily and flipped her off.  
  
“Go fuck yourself” He said as Emily laughs at his classic Mickey response, and began setting the table. Mickey was hovering by the living room looking at the clock. He had about 15 minutes before the dinner guests were due. And fuck me if he wasn’t sweating his balls off with fear and anticipation.

  
“Hahaha… It’s all good to be a little nervous. And you do look good Mickey”  
  
He had spoken to Emily about Ian before even if it was brief, but Svetlana had obviously given her the full run down, so she knew the whole drill. They were buddies and he felt like she understood him well. She was trying to relax him a little. She handed him a scotch on the rocks and they both leant on the couch and sipped their drinks.

“I’m not fucking nervous bitch”

  
“Whatever you say Mickey”  
  
She clinked their glasses together before downing the rest of her drink and she walked back over to the kitchen to help Svetlana. Mickey heard the door bang. His stomach dropped to his balls. _Fuck_

“Mickey, answer door”Svetlana called to him from the kitchen.  
  
He made his way nervously to the front door. He opened it up to see his sister smiling brightly, clutching a box which obviously held some sort of desert. She had on a little black dress with a thick beige coat and she looked so grown up. He noticed Ian hovering at her side, his small smile not reaching his eyes. He was wearing dark blue jeans with a white top and a dark green plaid shirt. He had a big dark blue coat on. Mickey suddenly felt over dressed and like an absolute dickhead.   
  
“Uhh… Hi guys, come in”  
  
He ushered them into his warm home, helping take Mandy’s coat off, which Mandy found really weird. Ian took his own off and hung it up where Mickey had placed Mandy’s.

He headed towards the kitchen with the two guests following close behind, he briefly looked at the pair and saw that they were both looking around the apartment, looking impressed.   
_  
That’s right bitch, I’m doing good now no thanks to you,_ he thought to himself as his eyes lingered a little longer on Ian’s face.

“Mandy. You look very good. Orange boy, long time we no see!”  
  
Svetlana’s voice sung through the air as she walked over and hugged Mandy and hugged Ian  
  
“Nice place you guys have here. You look really beautiful Svetlana”  
  
He heard Ian’s voice humming like honey through his ears, seeping into his soul. He hated how he could still have this effect on him after all these years. He refused to look over at him. Jealous that Svetlana was able to hug him and Mickey had yet to touch him.   
  
_Fuck, stop it. You hate this guy, Stop it!_  
  
“Hey Lana, It’s been a couple of years! So, where is the little guy?”  
  
Mandy was looking around for Yevgeny and Yev had miraculously just arrived into the living area as she mentioned him. He was typing away on his phone and didn’t even look up once as he spoke.  
  
“Dude, I’m not little, I’m like 10. Who the fudge are you anyway?”  
  
He let out a small laugh and heard Ian laugh as well,  their eye’s met from across the room and Mickey couldn’t help but smile at Ian and watched as Ian smiled back. Svetlana’s shrill voice as she yelled at Yevgeny pulled both of their eyes towards her.

  
“YEV. Language please”  
  
Yev put his phone in his pocket and raised his eyebrows up at her, a complete picture of pure Mickey. Same eybrows, same blue eyes. Mickey felt like he was looking back in time at himself when he was 10.  
  
“I said Fudge mama, Chill woman”  
  
Ian laughed loudly and smiled up at Mickey  
  
“He sounds so much like you Mick”  
  
Mickey pulled his lips tightly together and drew his eyes away from Ian and looked at his own son. He didn’t want to smile at Ian. But he could feel his lips pulling into a grin so he bit his bottom lip hard. He didn’t want to be friendly with Ian, it was so hard to stop his knee jerk reaction to respond to him the way he used to. Ian started talking to Yev.

   
“I used to look after you when you were little you know, and you’re right. You are most definitely not little any more. My name’s Ian. I was your… I am your Aunt Mandy’s best friend.”  
  
Mickey noticed Ian’s almost slip up. Was he going to say I was your…Family? Friend? Dad’s boyfriend? Your other Dad? Because for a while. That’s exactly what Ian was, all of those things. Mickey’s chest hurt a little as he thought about the photo he had hidden between reciepts and movie stubs in his wallet. The photo of baby Yev sleeping on Ian’s chest in his old room.   
  
“Het Yev, I’m your Aunt Mandy. I don’t know if you remember me, it’s been a long time”  
  
Mandy’s voice broke through Mickey’s memory, bringing him back to this time, this room where Ian was nothing to him anymore.

“Yeah, I don’t really remember either of you that much, maybe a little bit… Sorry”  
  
“Dinner shouldn’t be long… I’m Emily, Lana’s partner. Nice to meet you both. Let me give you a tour of the house”  
  
Mickey exhaled once Ian and Mandy left to look at the house with Emily. He hadn’t realised he had been holding his breath until they had walked away. He went out on the balcony and lit up a cigarette,  he needed to relax a little. He was halfway through his cigarette when the balcony door slid open and Ian walked out.  
  
 _Of fucking course it would fucking be him!_  
  
“Sorry… needed a smoke, I could leave you alone if you want” Ian asked sheepishly, he didn’t bring his eyes up to Mickey’s. Mickey concentrated at looking at the view from the balcony as he replied.  
  
“Nah, you’re all good man”

“So, your still smoking as well? I tried to quit a couple of times but I can’t seem to shake it”  
  
Ian was clearly trying to start up a conversation. Mickey didn’t want to have small talk with him. He was freaking out about being alone with him, he needed to leave.

“Yeah, guess some bad habits are a little hard to walk away from, other’s not so much right?”  
  
He was hoping that Ian got the innuendo. That Mickey had been one of Ian’s bad habits that he could walk away from easily. He flicked his cigarette off the balcony and walked inside. He glanced over quickly at Ian’s face and saw a twinge of pain run across it.  
  
 _Yep, he got it._

Dinner was extremely awkward. Mickey was at one end of the table with Yev on his left and Mandy on his right. Ian sat next to Mandy so thankfully Mickey didn’t have to talk to him. He could still glance at him from where he was sitting and had caught Ian doing the same thing from time to time. He can’t really remember the conversation that evening. It all comes as a hum of noises, something like the sound of electricity shooting through the wires. He nods and occasionally smiles to pretend that he is involved but all he can do is look at Ian and try to see if this man still resembles the boy he once loved, the boy who broke his heart and left him alone to rot in jail for 9 years.  
  
After dinner is done Ian gets up to help Yevgenny with the dishes and Mickey takes the opportunity to spend some one on one time with his sister. They head outside on the balcony for a cigarette feeling the comfort of the pull, the warming of the chest and then expelling the smoke from his lungs.   
  
“I’ve really missed you fuckface”  
  
She nudges her shoulder in to him and smiles warmly, he does the same back to her  
  
“Sure ya did slaghag”  
  
“I know I stopped coming to see you, I had my own shit to deal with. You know how I get sometimes. I shut off from everyone when things are bad for me. I had an abusive boyfriend and I just went wild for a while. Got into drugs real bad a few years ago. I wasn’t good, this last year I have finally pulled my head out my ass, I’m good now and I owe it all to Ian, Ian stuck by me through it all, he always has”  
  
Mickey’s heart hurt at the thought of his sister going through all of this and he hadn’t been there to help. He was glad that Ian had helped her, no matter what he had done to Mickey he had always been there for Mandy and he couldn’t fault the guy on that. Even if Ian hadn't been able to do it for Mickey.  
  
“Yeah, I’m glad he could do that for you. He obviously cares a lot about you”  
  
“He cared about you too”  
  
Her voice came out soft as she spoke, yet it hit him hard in his chest. He can’t do this, not right now.

  
“Don’t….”  
  
“You’re gonna have to talk about this with him sometime you know. It’s been years Mick. Shit went bad, and you could’ve put all this behind you and never seen him again. But, fuck, we live in the same fucking city now asshole. And I wanna see you and Yev and he’s a part of my fucking life too. You need to hash things out, be civil and shit because he’s going to be around and you two are going to have to find a way to deal with this. I’m not asking you to fuck him again or anything. Just, sort your shit out.”

He realises his cigarette is finished and burning the tips of his fingers. He puts it out and immediately lights up another. He needs this, needs the soothing nicotine. What he doesn’t need is to talk to Ian or talk about him. He looks at Mandy who is hopping from foot to foot waiting for him to answer her. He lets out a shaky sigh before he can get his words out.  
  
“I get why you stopped visiting, I know how you are and now that you are here, I want to see you too. But I’m not fucking talking to him about shit Mands. You can come here and see us and I can meet you places. He doesn’t have to be a part of this. I sure as fuck don’t want him here, having dinner like he’s my fucking family or my friend! He is nothing to me anymore. I don’t give a flying fuck about it. Yeah the past is in the past and I have dealt with that. On. My. Own. And the way I see it my past is gonna stay in the past. That fucker in there, HE is my past.”  


As he flicks his cigarette over the balcony he turns and sees Ian standing by the open balcony door. He hadn’t heard it slide open from the high level of his raised voice and he had no idea how long Ian has been standing there. But by the look on his face, long enough to hear what Mickey said. Mickey just glares at him, ignores the pain in his chest and the broken and defeated look in Ian’s eyes.  
  
He walks past him and heads inside and finds Yev on the couch he drops down near him and breathes in and out, in and out. He hears the sliding door close, no footsteps though, so Ian must have walked outside and Mandy must have stayed out there. He tries to strain his ears, not turning his head to look behind him and see out the door. He hears nothing. The minutes tick bye and Mickey pretends to watch whatever Yev is watching on the TV and finally he hears the slide of the door. He struggles to stop his head from turning. Wanting to look at Ian.

“Mandy, we should make this family dinner a weekly thing. Now that you’re living here. It would be so nice to see more of you”  
  
Emily has walked into the living room; he can see her talking over his shoulder at Mandy. He still can’t bring himself to look at Ian. His fucking chest hurts, he can’t breathe. He wants to tell him he’s sorry, but that would be a lie. He’s not. He means it; he wants nothing to do with him. He doesn’t want him in his home.  
  
“Yeah, I’d really like that. Spend some time with my douchebag of a brother and his little spawn”  
  
Mandy comes up from behind the couch and wraps her arms around his neck, warm loving arms. He relaxes in her hold and turns his head towards her and smiles.   
  
“Dad, she totally called you a douchebag” Yevgeny says to him, he smiles at his sister and replies to Yev but looks directly at Mandy.  
  
“Takes one to know one” She takes her arms off of him and shoves him into the arm of the chair. He watches as she walks over to Emily and Svetlana. He still can’t see Ian but he can feel the his green eyes burning into the back of his head. He must still be behind him.  


“Alright, well we should head off, thanks so much for dinner Svet and Emily. Coz I know your ass don’t know how to cook food that good Mickey. Give me a buzz and we’ll catch up this week and have lunch or something?”  
  
He stands up from the couch and walks over to his sister and hugs her, pulling her back in his arms and smiling. Above everything else, he is happy to have her back.  
  
“I’m flat out with work all week, but my weekends are free, I’ll text you Friday or something?”he replies  
  
She pulls him in for another hug, it’s weird that they have never been this close before, this affectionate but after years of not seeing her it somehow feels right to hold her close this time.

“Ok, well I guess I’ll talk to you later then, assface”  
  
“Haha.. Whatever whorebag”  
  
Svetlana pulls him back to earth with her voice, talking to Ian. He had almost forgot that he was here. He’s still standing away, unmoved since he walked inside.  
  
“Carrot boy, you will come for family dinner too? Yes?”  
  
_Fuck no, he better fucking say no…_  
  
Mickey finally brings his eyes over to where Ian is standing. He’s leaning up against the back wall with his hands in his pockets, shoulders slouched forward. He looks at Mickey and then quickly draws his attention to Svetlana with a small smile.  
  
“Ahhh… probably not, work schedule’s pretty crazy and all. But thanks for the invitation. Dinner was great and it was really nice to meet you Emily.”  
  
Mickey watches as everyone hugs and says there thanks and good byes. He’s kind of stuck where he is watching. Wanting Ian to talk to him, but glaring at him to keep him away.   
  
_This is so fucked up_  
  
Eventually they leave and Mickey realises just how tense he has been all night and how exhausted this has made him. He decides to shower and head to bed.  
  
On Saturday he wakes up still stressed and tense, still with Ian floating through his mind. Mickey really needs to let off steam. He’s going to go out tonight and do just that. He doesn’t want to go to the same club that he saw his sister and his Ex at so instead he’s chosen a different one. He needs to take the edge of, get drunk and find some random to pound his ass so hard his brain can't think right. Maybe then he can get the image of Ian away from him.  
  
  
  
  
Mickey started his Saturday night off with a few shots of tequila, then a few beers, then he got a blow job in the bathroom>  
Then he moved on to the whiskey, more beers, then he gave a blow job in the bathroom this time.  
After that he had a few more shots of fucking something that was expensive anf burned all the way down his throat setting fire to his stomach, he can’t quite remember what it was.  
  
He caught the attention of what could be a hot blonde; maybe, he might've been able tell if he wasn’t so god damn blind drunk!   
He didn't even talk to the guy he just grabbed him and started pulling him into the bathroom when he bumped into someone. He squinted and was about to tell the guy to fucking _move_ when he realised that the guy looked awfully familiar. He tried to angle his face and get the blur from his eyes working and then noticed that he knew that bright red hair, as per usual it gave it all away.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the love and support so far  
> You're all fan-fucking-tastic!
> 
> Keep up with the Kudos and Comments, it helps me keep up with the posting! x

Ian had been pacing around his apartment all night. He was there alone for the first time since he moved to New York. Mandy had her first shift at her new job tonight. She was working at a seedy late night Sex Shop. The job was perfect for her and she was definitely in her element, she had already taken advantage of her staff discount.  
  
He had been going over the stupid dinner at Mickey’s house from the previous night. He was dwelling on everything, hearing Mickey's words rush through his head. Picturing the way his face had looked when he told Mandy that Ian meant nothing to him. He really wasn’t surprised but it didn’t mean that hearing it didn’t hurt.  
  
_…I sure as fuck don’t want him here, having dinner like he’s my fucking family or my friend!..._  
… He is nothing to me anymore…  
...That fucker in there, HE is my past...  
  
Hearing it replay in his head, the words still stung as harsh as when he had first heard the words spill from Mickey’s mouth.  
  
_Fuck this, I’m heading out and getting fucked up._  
  
Ian grabbed his keys and left, specifically avoiding the club he went to last time. He needed to find some place that the memory of Mickey wouldn’t be haunting him. He walked a couple of blocks until he found what he was looking for and as soon as he headed inside, he grabbed a beer and settled in to scope the place, and the guys, out.  
  
After 20 minutes, a few more beers and a few knock backs to two creepy old guys (Not his thing any more), he spotted a short dark haired man drunkenly dragging another man into a bathroom.  
  
He knew exactly who it was from where he was standing, _Mickey._  
  
He ordered another drink and kept his eyes on the bathroom door, glancing at his watch counting down the minutes that Mickey was in there with some stranger. He started picturing exactly what he thought they were doing in there. Mickey down on his knees, pupils blown, deep throating some cock that wasn’t Ian’s.  
  
Finally the door swung open and Mickey stumbled out doing his fly up. _Ok, so he was on the receiving end ._  
  
Ian watched as Mickey headed back towards the other end of the bar and watched him knock back more drinks. Mickey was approached by another guy and they immediately left for the bathroom again… _Fuck Mickey! What the hell are you doing?.._  
  
He watched the door again and waited, and waited until Mickey eventually stumbled out again, this time the guy behind him was doing his fly up smiling like a kid in a fucking candy store. _Jesus Mick, stop it…_  
  
He kept his eyes glued on the extremely inebriated Mickey as he made his way to the bar again and downed more drinks. Ian got up and made his way over to him but before he could get there he had another guy on him, and Mickey was dragging him to the bathroom again. _Fuck this…_  
  
He purposely bumped into Mickey and watched as the shorter guy tried to look him up and down and Ian swears he almost saw the ‘click’ in Mickey’s eyes as he realised that it was him.  


“Fucking you again, I fuckin’ swear I cannot escape your ginger ass” He slurred, pushing his finger hard into Ian’s chest. The man he was trying to take to the bathroom began grinding up on Mickey’s ass and Mickey was too busy staring up at Ian to care. 

  
“Kinda feeling the same about your ass too Mick” Ian said in somewhat of a flirty tone that he hadn’t actually meant to use, which just made Mickey’s blood boil.  


“You, have _No_ right’s to call me Mick anymore, friends call me Mick and you, you lanky orange fucking string bean are not my friend… Also, you escaped my ass a looooooong time ago. You didn’t want it then, and you aint havin it now” although it was loud in the club Mickey’s voice boomed with rage, Ian actually stepped back into the wall as Mickey pushed into Ian until they were chest to chest. Mickey’s bathroom blowjob buddy took off realising that he probably wasn’t going to be getting any now. Ian could smell the alcohol radiating off of Mickey as he wobbled. Drunk eyes trying to look menacing instead of, well, drunk.

  
“Mickey, you’re a fucking wreck man. Let me get you home.” Ian had tried to pull Mickey into the direction of the door, but Mickey snatched his hand back hard  causing him to stumble into the wall again.

“Don’t fucking wanna go home, ‘specially not with your firecrotch! Did you know, I haven’t fucked a ginger since you. Can’t stand the fuckers. I fuck the blonde guys, the dark haired guys, I fucking fucked a guy who had fucking Blue hair once!! But no fucking gingers. No SIR-EEEE Those fuckers have no soul, YOU have no soul… Fucking gingers. Fucking Gallaghers. FUCKING GALLA-GINGERS!!” The beginning of Mickey’s rant was heated and full of pure anger, pushing his chest in to Ian’s chest. Towards the end he was spent, exhausted from screaming and he looked close to passing out.   
  
“Ok, you’re wasted, I can’t leave you like this” ignoring Mickey's heated words, Ian ended up putting his arm around Mickey’s waist; he used his other arm to lift Mickey’s arm over Ian’s shoulder and the two of them began to stumble their way to the door. Even having Mickey so close he could only just make out the slurred mumbles that Mickey was saying into Ian’s chest as they walked out of the club.  
  
“Why the fuck not? It’s what you do Ian, you fucking leave me. You’re a fucking pro at fucking leaving me” he heard Mickey’s crackled voice, the sound of a quiet sob escaping him and Ian’s heart broke.  
  
They were finally outside and Ian pulled Mickey up against the wall near the exit. Turning around so he could face him.  
  
There were drunk people around leaving with their sexual conquests for the night, people that had gone too hard with the alcohol vomiting on the side walk, people smoking and laughing outside. Ian took no notice of any of them. His whole being was taken up by Mickey’s presence.  
  
He pulled Mickey’s face up to look at him, with one hand, so he could properly see his face, the face he still hasn’t been able to make escape his mind for 9 fucking years. Every scar he had was still there, some slightly more faded and there are new ones too. His forehead has more lines there that show Ian that he has still been raising his eyebrows in his purely Mickey Milkovich way. His eyes are still the brightest blue that puts the clearest ocean to shame. He sees tears in those eyes, streaky wetness along the beautiful soft cheeks. He sees a completely broken man before him. Ian feels his own tears forming. He places his forehead against Mickey’s and lets a small tear fall from his eye, hitting the other man on the nose.  
  
“Mickey… Mickey...Please, I’m so fucking sorry. Let me just take you home. Let me do this one thing.”

But his words fall on deaf ears. Mickey is out of it. Passed out drunk.  
The only reason he is still standing, is that Ian has somehow pushed his body up against his, caging him to the wall without even noticing, as if they were magnets with a pull to each other.  
  
He’s trying to figure out what to do, how to get Mickey home whilst trying to carry, but more so drag, Mickey alongside him. He’s memorized Mickey’s address, even though he doesn’t want to admit the fact that before they went to that god awful dinner party he had sat there reciting the address over and over again, googling it to check for time and distance, mapping out the directions, street names and turns to get him to the house where Mickey and Yevgeny lived. The family he should have kept. The people he was supposed to have stayed and fought for.  
  
Mickey lives too far away and he doesn’t feel comfortable taking him back there in this state. His apartment is much closer but he walked here though. As luck, or fate, would have it a cab pulls over and he’s made the decision to take Mickey home with him.  
  
Once he finally gets him in the elevator and then inside his apartment, he is stuck on what to do now.  
Does he take him to his room? Mickey will flip being in the apartment as it is let alone actually waking up on Ian’s bed.  
Fuck it, the couch is too far away and his room is right by the front door. Well that’s his excuse and he’s sticking to it.  
  
He opens his room and places Mickey’s body on his bed. He takes his shoes off and moves him around a little so that his head is on a pillow and the blanket is over him. Ian pulls the chair away from his desk in the corner of his room and places it near the bed. He sits down and puts his feet up on the bed and watches Mickey sleep, like a fucking creepy pervert. He’s left the light off and he’s watching the moonlight and the street lights stream through his window, dancing along the sleeping man’s face. Grey’s, blues and reds streaking through, illuminating the softness of his features. Ian takes a deep breath and settles into the chair. Thinking of the time when he woke up to Mickey staring at him after he had dragged his drugged out ass out of the club in Chicago. _Role reversal._ He chuckles quietly until he falls asleep to Mickey’s quiet snores like a soothing lullaby.  
  
  
  


 

 

 

* * *

  
  
  
  
  
  
Mickey wakes up with a blasting headache and the taste of what he can only describe as 'pure ass' in his mouth. He squints and looks at the bed he’s lying on dreading to see who the fuck is laying next to him but it’s empty.  
  
_Where the fuck am I?_  
  
He looks around the room and sees a man asleep in a chair by the bed. His head is spinning and he can’t focus properly. He knows he’s still wasted. He looks a little harder narrowing his eyes so he can regain a little focus and the pale ginger’s face is finally recognisable, _Gallagher. Fuck no…_  
  
He’s not sure if it’s the impending hangover, the alcohol still in his system or the knowledge that he is in his Ex’s bed but his stomach churns, _I'm gonna puke!_  
  
He looks around unsure if he can get up and make it to the bathroom, wherever the fuck it is. He notices a trash basket and pulls it over towards himself and wretches into it. Once he has emptied his stomach he takes a deep shaky breath and then feels a hand gently rubbing in between his shoulder blades. He tenses and vomits again, maybe still from the alcohol, but possibly from the knowledge of who it is that’s trying to comfort him.  
  
Ian keeps rubbing his back until he is finished expelling everything in his stomach, now completely empty. He feels the weight on the bed shift until he knows it’s just him on there again now. He lets out a small sigh of relief and then Ian is in front of him handing him a glass of water, he takes it into his own shaky hand and accidently brushes his fingers along Ian’s. Ian’s reaction to his touch is to almost drop the glass before Mickey has a proper grip on it.   
  
“You OK?” Ian has sat himself on the floor in front of Mickey, who is still sitting on the bed cradling the glass of water, trying hard not to look at Ian’s face.  
  
“The fuck you think? Just threw up my whole fucking stomach. There’s probably a fucking lung in there somewhere too… Fuck man. Feel like shit” He runs his hand along his face and takes a glance at Ian. Ian smiles at him as he hands him a bottle of mouth wash, _thank fuck._  
  
Mickey takes a mouthful of the minty liquid and swirls it, gargles it and then spits it into the bin he puked in. He hands the bottle and the bin back to Ian who takes it out of the room.  
  
“You were pretty fucking wasted. I’m surprised you’re alive.” He said as he walked back into the room and sat back on the floor.  
  
Mickey looks back down at his glass of water. Tonight got out of control, he’s never usually like this, but all the shit that happened Friday night had gotten under his skin, Ian had gotten under his skin. And after trying to drink him away, he found himself right in his problems bedroom. _Fuck._  
  
“Yeah well, whatever… You didn’t have to drag my ass out. Woulda been fine without your Fucking help”  
  
Out of the corner of his eye he can see Ian pinch the bridge of his nose and then  slap his hand down on his own thigh in frustration.  
  
“Whatever Mickey, I’m just fucking trying to being nice”  
  
“That’s so fucking awesome of you Ian. Being a good fucking dude and all, bit of a change from being a complete selfish prick!”  
  
Somehow Mickey has made it to his feet and is now standing (Wobbling) In front of Ian, feeling nothing but rage. Ian stands up to his full height and towers over him, clearly just as angry as Mickey is.  
  
“Jesus Mick! Should’ve left your ungrateful ass in the club, fucking every dick you could find”  
  
Ian had seen him with those guys? How many was it? He can’t even remember. He flares up with embarrassment and pent up anger, all of it rushing out of him at once.  
  
“Fuck you! I can fuck and suck as many different dicks as I want. Don’t need your ass giving me permission or judging me. It’s all you’ve ever done, judge me, tell me what to do, what not to do! You know what, _Ian,_ you gave up that right 9 fucking years ago! So you can just mind your own god damn fucking business, alright!”  
  
He was back in Ian’s face now pouring out hateful words, and truthful thoughts that he had kept inside for too long, 9 years too long. This is why he hadn’t wanted to have a conversation with him; he was scared of all the things he would say. Of opening up the flood gates of pent up emotions that he has kept inside of him for all these years.  
  
“How could you do what you did to me so fucking heartlessly? You fucking spent all that time reeling me in, changing me and making me do all those things I didn’t want to do, feel things I never wanted to feel. You made me come out, made me think I was worthy of having you! Then when you fucking had me, right where you wanted me, you fucking threw me out like the southside piece of trash I was. Fuck you Gallagher, FUCK YOU!!”  
  
Ian was completely still and he looked as if he couldn’t form words. He just stood there and let Mickey spill his guts, releasing all this hate and anger. Mickey paid no attention to the look in Ian’s eyes, he was all fuelled up on his own rage.  
  
”You don’t get to waltz back into my life acting like everything is all Hunky Dory, getting into my family life. I’m good here man, good without you! I don’t need you ruining this for me. I work hard, I have good friends, a fucking fantastic family. I don’t need you coming in and fucking with my head again. You need to leave me alone. I ‘aint your problem no more!”  
  
He finally stopped yelling and stood there breathing heavily as Ian stared at him unmoving, eyes wet from tears threatening to pour out. Ian lifted his hand and gently placed it on Mickey’s shoulder. Mickey watched as Ian began to quietly let his tears fall and speak.  
  
“I didn’t see our relationship like that at all, I hate that you feel that way. That I made you think that way. When we ended things I was in a really bad place, when things finally got a little clearer, I tried to come see you. But you had taken me off the visitation list. I tried to fix things Mick but you…”  
  
Mickey backed away, the touch of Ian's hand on his shoulder felt as if it was burning his skin. He sat down on the bed and began chewing on his bottom lip looking at Ian standing there, still silently crying. As much as it hurt to see Ian cry, he was still seething.  
  
“I took you off of that list because I found out you had a fucking boyfriend Ian, you had moved on, telling Mandy that our relationship was poisonous and shit! That fucking cut me. I took you off of that list because I knew you were never coming back to me. Do not try and make me out to be the bad guy Ian, ‘spent enough of my early years thinkin’ that’s who I was.”  
  
Ian moved and sat next to Mickey on the bed, thigh touching thigh, shoulder to shoulder. Mickey tensed up but didn't move away.  
  
“Fuck... I'm sorry you found out that way.... You were never the bad guy in this whole fucked up situation, I was. I asked Mandy and Svetlana to talk to you and get me back on the list, why did you refuse? You didn’t let me explain. I wanted to explain everything.”  
  
Mickey stood up again, trying to create some distance between them again, but Ian got up and kept moving towards. Mickey felt like they were in a game of cat and mouse. He finally stopped and turned to faced Ian, his own tears threatening to finally break through.  
  
“Of fucking course I refused numbnuts!! I had finally started sorting my shit out, getting over your ginger ass and then I find out you request to come see me after nothing for 3 years? Hurricane fucking Gallagher coming through to rip my world apart again? No fucking way man. I couldn’t let you do that to me again. You might've wanted to explain, but i sure as fuck didn't want to hear it. It was too late then, It's still too late.”  
  
“I never meant to hurt you, and I sure as hell don’t want to hurt you now. I’m sorry Mick for all of that. I was a stupid dumb kid, unstable with mental health issues back then. I know I can’t ever make this right again Mickey. But we’re obviously gonna be seeing each other around… And no matter what you might think, I have no intentions of screwing your life up again. I’m here for a fresh start I want to leave all that shit from Chicago, in Chicago.”  
  
Feeling exhausted and slightly nauseas again, Mickey leant back against the wall and closed his eyes pinching the bride of his nose with his fingers and furrowing his brows in frustration.  
  
“The fuck are we gonna do then? I’m here, you’re here. Can’t avoid you, can’t stop fucking thinking about you..”  
  
The words were out of his mouth before he even realised he said them, and they were nothing but the truth. Yeah, he used to have thoughts and memories of Ian creep up on him from time to time over the years, but that had all escalated when he saw him again after all this time. He thought about him every waking moment now. As much as he would like to pretend that they were all nasty thoughts, they weren’t. He wondered if he still smelt the same, like sunshine and oranges. If his lips were still as soft and warm as he remembered. If he remembered all the curves of his body right, if he still knew all the spots to touch, lick and bite that would make Ian moan in ecstasy.  
  
“I can’t stop thinking about you either”  
  
Ian’s voice brought Mickey back to reality, back to this room right here and now. Back to the redhead that was moving closer towards him.

Mickey didn’t know what it was but the idea of having Ian’s warmth against him again made him step towards him until he found his body against Ian’s. Chest to chest and their faces less than an inch apart. Ian, being a head taller than Mickey now, was looking down at him, breathing his warm breath onto Mickeys face. Their eyes were locked onto one another, bright blue gazing into a sea of green.  
  
Ian leant down and lightly brushed his bottom lip over Mickey’s, the sensation made Mickey’s toes curl and he let out a small moan which must have been the cue Ian was waiting for to go ahead. He pushed his mouth down harder on to Mickey’s and he felt Ian’s long fingers curling around the back of his neck, his thumb gently stroking along his jaw as their kiss slowly intensified. Mickey lifted his hand to cup Ian’s face as he slipped his tongue into Ian’s warm, wet mouth massaging his tongue against Ian’s. He grabbed at Ian’s hip with his other hand and pulled him closer which made Ian let out a soft moan into Mickey’s mouth. They stayed there kissing for what may have been seconds, minutes, he doesn’t know, it felt more like forever until Mickey felt Ian walking him backwards over to the bed.  
  
“You taste so good, missed these lips” Ian mumbled between kisses as he lay Mickey on the bed and placed himself on top of him  
  
“So fucking good Mick. I need this, I need you” Mickey could only moan in response, his brain wasn’t working, all thoughts and words slipped by all he could do was grab hold of Ian and kiss him like his life depended on it.  
  
Ian was moving on top of him now with his full weight enveloping Mickey, grinding and moaning “fuck you feel good. I want you”as Ian mumbled words of pleasure Mickey gripped Ian’s waist tighter and began moving in rhythm with him  
  
“Fuck. Yes” finally Mickey’s words began to work again, even though he had no idea what the fuck he was saying. He made a grab for Ian’s belt and began undoing it,  
  
Ian began doing the same for him whilst he kissed and whispered into Mickey’s mouth, “Gonna be inside you, fill you. God I want to feel your tightness around me. Fuck. Mick”  
  
And then Ian’s doorway let a sudden burst of light spill through the room, Mickey moved his head to look towards the light. Ian’s door was wide open and someone had turned the kitchen light on…. _Mandy, fuck. Shit!_  
  
“Yo asshole, smells like vomit in the kitchen? You drink too much? You can’t do that on your pills dumbass, You Ok in there?” Her voice and footsteps became increasingly louder as she made her way to the bedroom. Mickey was frozen and Ian seemed to be the same because he didn’t move from his position on top of Mickey.  
  
“Ahhhh.. I’m ok. Do not come in here though!! Give me a minute. Just.. DON'T COME IN HERE!!” He looked down at Mickey eye’s searching for something, like an answer to an unasked question. He slowly got off and adjusted his erection before doing his belt back up.  
  
“Stay here, please. I’ll sort it out. Don’t move. ‘k. Just…stay?”  
  
Mickey nodded but had no intention to follow through with Ian’s request and he began doing his pants up as soon as Ian walked out of the room and closed the door behind him.  
  
_What the actual fuck!_  
  
He was about to fuck Ian again. They had been so close to actually doing it. Why had he let that almost happen? Thank fuck for Mandy coming home from work. He quickly found his things and made his way to the bedroom door and opened it a crack so he could try to listen.  
  
He couldn’t hear anything so he peeked outside. There was light coming from a room further down the hall, which he assumed to be Mandy’s bedroom. He could just make out Ian’s lanky figure leaning in the door way obviously talking to his sister.  
  
Mickey took that moment to make a dash for the front door, thanking god Ian’s room was so close to it. He headed for the front door, checking that he had his phone, wallet and keys on him and made his way out of that door and out of the apartment where he almost just fucked his Ex.  



	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LOVE YOU GUYS,  
> you know you're all awesome right?
> 
> Kudos and comments always appreciated

Ian heard the front door close shut as he stood in Mandy’s door way.  
  
“Fuck” He muttered as he quickly took off and looked at the front door and then checked his room. Empty. Mickey had left. He wasn’t really that surprised, but a part of him had hoped that Mickey would’ve stayed.  
  
He stood in the kitchen staring at the front door as if Mickey would just magically appear there again so that they could… What exactly? Fuck, kiss or talk? It was probably a really good thing that Mandy had interrupted now that the sexual tension was gone, Ian could think with his head and not his dick again. Fucking Mickey would’ve been bad. Well, if he remembers the sex correctly that part would’ve been good… really fucking good. But getting themselves all messed up with each other wasn’t a good idea for either of them. Mandy sidled up next to him and hopped up onto the kitchen counter as he still stared at the closed front door.  
  
“Sorry, did I scare your Fuck Friend off? Probably wasn’t going to go anywhere with all the vomiting that had happened. I can’t believe you just left this sitting here in the kitchen. Fucking gross Ian, I thought you were the clean freak who was super into having everything as hygienic as a fucking hospital. And you leave a puke bucket in the kitchen. Disappointed in how far you’ll go for a piece of ass.”  
  
He grabbed the bucket that Mickey had vomited in and made his way to the laundry to empty it and soak it. He had been in a rush to sit with Mickey and spend time with him that he had just quickly dumped it in the kitchen, clearly it had been a night full of Ian not thinking straight.  
  
“Wasn’t like that Mandy.”  
  
“You telling me you weren’t trying to fuck a guy in there?”  
  
_Not just a guy, your brother, my Ex who at one time I thought was the love of my life… Who probably still is._  
  
“Yeah, I was. But… It’s a little more complicated than that”  
  
Mandy looked at him and shook her head in confusion.  
  
“We just got here, how can it already be fucking complicated? You gays are a strange breed. But I love you. Well, I’m pooped! I sold so many fucking clit stimulators tonight; there are a lot of lonely ladies receiving some pleasure thanks to me! It’s a hard job bringing supreme orgasms to the world and now this sexpert has gotta go have her own orgasm and sleep. Sorry for ruining yours! Night Princess”  
  
She hopped off the bench, pulled him down for a kiss on the cheek and made her way to her room. Ian walked back into his room and lay down on the side that Mickey had been sleeping on. He buried his face into the pillow, it smelt like cigarettes, alcohol sweat and Mickey, that hint of Eau’ De Mickey that he has always smelt like since they were teenagers.  
  
Fuck tonight has been crazy!  
  
Seeing Mickey at the club, taking his drunk ass home, the almost Sex, the kissing and touching and grinding. FUCK.  
  
But the talking, hearing all the things that Mickey felt. That had been the craziest thing of the night. Mickey’s words were drifting through Ian’s mind again, words about Ian using him and throwing him away, of treating Mick like garbage.  
  
It hadn’t been like that at all. It wasn’t right, he had loved Mickey and Ian knew he had fucked it all up, it took him so long to realise just how much damage he had done, how he had thrown away the love of his life and by that time it was too late.  
  
Mickey wouldn’t see Ian when he was ready to visit him in jail. It’s not like Ian blames him at all. Mickey had every right to hate him, not see him. Everything he had done was inexcusable. He knows this, but hearing the words come from Mickey’s mouth tonight, seeing the hurt and anger etched all over his face… That hurt more than anything else Ian has ever gone through. This pain, Mickey’s pain, will stay and haunt him forever.  
  
  
Mickey was right, he was better off without Ian, that’s for damn sure, and Ian was totally fine with that…wasn’t he? He needed to be, it was done and it was for the best, especially for Mickey. He could let this go, let Mickey continue living his life without Ian.  
  
But…  
  
He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Mickey and to know that he had felt the same way…Fuck. In that moment, when he heard Mickey say those words, his heart skipped a beat and Ian hadn’t even realised that he had made the walk over to stand right next to Mickey. He was barely aware that he had leant down and brushed his lips on Mickey’s lips until they were crashing together again. It had felt so god damn good, he has never felt more alive in the last few years until he did when his lips were pressed on Mickey’s again.  
  
Ian moved his hand to his lips and felt that they were slightly swollen and he could still feel them tingle as if he had only just pulled away from Mickey’s lips. He hadn’t even realised how much he had really missed him until that moment. Not just the kissing or the possibility of fucking him. It was just being around him. Since seeing him again, the first time, he felt this pull towards him whenever they were in a room together. It was like Ian’s body had to be as close as possible to his for it to survive.  
  
Ian had no idea what this all meant to him. All he knew is that there was no way in hell it was going to happen again. Mickey had been drunk and emotional and not thinking. Ian had basically taken advantage of him.  
  
_Like the prick that I am.  
  
_ He also knew that their relationship before in Chicago hadn’t exactly been healthy for either of them and Ian couldn’t go back there either. He hugged his pillow tighter and drifted off to sleep with the smell of Mickey bringing him dreams of lost love, passionate fights and heart-warming memories.  
  
  
  
  
  
Ian woke up in the morning with a slight headache. Now that he couldn’t handle alcohol very well because of his medication, he always had a mild hangover even if he only had a few drinks. He could smell food wafting through his room from the kitchen making his tummy rumble in anticipation. He had fallen asleep with his clothes on so he stripped them off and threw a pair of grey sweats on and a white tank top before making his way into the kitchen.  
  
“Morning Snookie Bum. Made scrambled eggs and bacon for my little Pookie Bear” Mandy cooed at him and placed a plate on the counter for him before giving him a sloppy kiss on the cheek.  
  
These kinds of pet names coming from her he could deal with, probably because it was laden with undertones of pure Milkovich sarcasm. He smiled at her as she flitted about the kitchen making coffee and serving a plate up for herself. As per usual she was only wearing underwear and a flimsy t shirt that was probably one of his. It just covered her ass.  
  
“So did you get his number?” Mandy smirked at him. Ian had his mouthful of food and swallowed before answering  
  
“Who’s number”  
  
Mandy didn’t give him the same courtesy as she continued to talk with her mouthful  
  
“Puke guy?” she said as she raised her eyebrow at him  
  
_Oh shit, she’s talking about Mickey._  
  
“Ahhh… nope, I don’t think last night was going to be a repeat performance. Or lack of performance.” He sighed into his coffee, how he wished he could go there again.  
  
She laughed at him, with her mouth full of course, before swallowing and shovelling more in.  
  
“Really, he was that good huh? Well there’s plenty more gay fish in the rainbow sea so I’m sure you and your cock will be satisfied again soon with a stellar performance”  
  
He laughed at her as he cleared his plate and washed it in the sink. He headed over to where his pills were and began distributing pills from each of the bottles. He added a couple of Advil to the mix to get rid of the headache from last night’s drinks.  
  
“Oh shit, gotta jump in the shower or I’m going to be late.” Said Mandy as she quickly hopped off her chair ad dashed for the shower leaving Ian, as per usual, to clean up her plate and the mess she had made in the kitchen.  
  
“Late for what?” He called out after her, but it was too late the shower was already running and she hadn’t heard him.  
  
He had just finished doing the breakfast dishes and cleaning the counter off when he heard the doorbell ring. He quickly dried his hands and made his way to open the door. He was a little dumbstruck when he opened it and found Mickey standing there.  
  
“Uhh… Hi?” Ian managed to stutter out after he had composed himself to finally greet him.  
  
Mickey looked like shit, hungover as all hell. but somehow he still managed to look hot, but hungover non the less.  
  
“Hey Ian, we’re here to see Aunt Mandy, heading to the park. You gonna move your butt so we can come in or do you expect us to wait outside?” He looked over at Yev who was standing next to Mickey, he hadn’t noticed him beforehand because he was too busy staring at his Ex, the one that he had almost fucked less than 6 hours ago.  
  
“Yev, don’t be fucking rude. Sorry man, he has two parents with severe attitudes so it’s kind of expected for him to act like a little shit sometimes. Still, you need to tone that shit down kid”  
  
Ian couldn’t help but laugh at the way Mickey told his son off. It was nothing but adorable to see Mickey with Yevgeny. Ian felt his heart swell with pride.  
  
“It’s all good Mick… Sorry, Mickey. Come in guys, Mandy’s in the shower so take a seat in the living room. She shouldn’t be too long” He said as he escorted the two blue eyed boys inside. Yev headed straight for the lounge and pulled his phone out. Ian took the opportunity to pull Mickey aside and try to talk to him.  
  
“I’m really sorry about last night” Ian said nervously  
  
Mickey looked anywhere but at Ian, scoping the floor out, then the back of his son’s head then the speck of egg on the counter.  
  
“Don’t mention it” Mickey finally grumbled  
  
Ian manoeuvred his body around so that he was standing directly in front of Mickey so that he had no choice but to look at him.  
  
“It’s just that I..”  
  
“No seriously Ian. _Don’t_ fucking mention it”  
  
Before Ian could say anything else Mandy came back into the room drying her hair with a towel. She looked up at her brother and smiled. Ian made his way over to pour himself another cup of coffee. He was supposed to have limited caffeine in his diet but fuck it, he clearly liked pushing his boundaries lately.  
  
_I Shouldn’t have fucking kissed him!_  
  
“Morning guys! Sorry if it smells like puke and eggs in here. Ian had a disastrous one nighter over last night who puked and didn’t even let Ian get his dick wet, apparently… Jeez Mick, you look like shit! You have a rough one last night?”  
  
Ian glanced at Mickey who looked really uncomfortable.  
  
“And you look like a Trashy Whore ... You ready yet?”  
  
“ Nope, Grumpy bum. Just going to dry my hair properly help yourself to some coffee douchelord, looks like you could use a mug or ten… Also, try and pry that stick out your ass before we leave!”  
  
Ian poured Mickey his coffee and tried again to make a move to talk to him, but Mickey just glared at him as he took the mug and quickly made his way over to Yev on the lounge. Ian just couldn’t keep pushing him, he knew Mickey well enough to know that now was not the time. He was adamant that he would talk to him again; he needed to straighten things out.  
  
He made his way into his room and closed the door falling on top of his bed and closing his eyes. He’d just nap for a little and then he’d go for a run to help him clear his head.


	7. Chapter 7

Mickey couldn’t get out of Mandy’s apartment quick enough when she was finally ready. Ian had finally let up on trying to talk to him and had hidden in his room until they had left. _Pussy bitch_  
  
He had walked with long strides until they finally made it to his car, he had decided to go to the usual park that he always took Yevgeny to on Sundays, the kid’s friends would be there and Mickey kind of liked sticking to his normal routine.  
  
He sat down on the bench with Mandy as they both watched Yevgeny chatting to a bunch of his friends from school. He kept thinking about the previous night, all the things that he could remember blurting out to Ian in his drunken anger, and the kissing. Fuck the kissing had been good. It was as if Mandy could read his mind because she started talking about Ian.  
  
“Sorry that Ian was home today, I thought he might’ve headed off for a run before you got there. It’s what he usually does in the morning. But we both woke up late so… Yeah, Sorry”  
  
Mickey took a sip of the warm coffee in his hands that they had bought on the way over. He smiled at her concerned face. He knew that having both Ian and Mickey back in her life was important to her, and stressful as fuck. He hated that he and Ian were making her life difficult  
  
“S’all good Mands. I’m fine with it."  
  
He really wasn't though, every time he saw Ian his heart thudded with so much pressure against his rib cage he thought the fucker would leap out of his chest.  
  
"Are you though?"  
  
_NO!!_    
  
He swiped his hand over his face before answering her.  
  
"Fucksake, what part of I don't wanna talk about him do you not fucking understand?"He spat at her which caused a few of the Sunday park joggers to look over at them. He flipped them off and drank his now lukewarm coffee  
  
"Jesus Mick, fine i'll fucking drop it. I'm just sick of both of you acting fucking weird as shit around each other!"  
  
They sat there in awkward silence for awhile watching Yevgeny and all the other people at the park, before the silence got to much and Mickey sighed.  
  
"So bitch tits, what the fuck has your skanky ass been up to over the last few years?”He plastered a smile on his face and watched as Mandy eventually smiled back.  
  
She laughed at him and punched him in the arm, the harsh words said before fading away as she began filling him in on all the details of her last few years, trying to only mention Ian as minimally as possible which he greatly appreciated.  
  
He talked to her about his last few years in Jail, moving and settling into life on the outside. He talked a lot about Yev, his quirks and all the major events in his life. He was in the middle of telling her a story about his first experience with meeting the snobby teachers at Yevgeny’s school when a shadowy figure stood over them. He looked up to see a smiling face, Simon’s smiling face.  
  
“Hey Mickey, Mandy… what a crazy coincidence bumping into you two here!” Simon said, ignoring the scowls on both Mandy and Mickey's faces.  
  
_Crazy coincidence my ass, he knows that I take Yev here on Sundays!_    
  
Mickey had told him when they hooked up on a Saturday night that he had to go home because he took Yev to this park every Sunday _._  
  
Fucker did this on purpose.  
  
“Yeah… The fuck you doing here?” Mickey scowled at him. Simon lifted his leg onto the bench next to Mickey and began stretching out his legs, Mickey couldn’t help but appreciate his muscled physique. The guy might be a bit of an ass, but he sure was a hot piece of ass.  
  
His body was toned and ripped in all the right places, tight taught tanned skin that Mickey couldn’t help but admire, even if he was a little pissed about this situation. His face softened a little and he smiled at Simon. He was still annoyed that he had showed up here, but fuck it, the guy was hot.  
   
“Decided to go for a run, usually I run at the gym but for some reason I thought that today I could do with the fresh air for a change! Glad I did now.” Simon said as he winked flirtatiously at Mickey. Mickey smiled up at him and raised his eyebrows.   
  
_sure it was the fresh air, cheeky little fucker._  
  
As mickey admired the view Yev came running over to them and sat down next to Mandy.  
  
“Getting hungry dad, can we get pizza with Aunty Mandy? Who the fudge cakes are you?”  
  
Yev had brought his attention over to Simon who stood there smiling at Mickey’s son. Mickey never introduced Yev to any of the guys he slept with, ever.  
  
Yevgeny knew his dad was gay though, they had had that awkward discussion when Mickey was still in prison, thankfully via letters and not face to face. It was a lot less awkward.  
Right now though, this was all kinds of fucking awkward.  
  
“You must be Yevgeny. I’m Simon, your dad’s… _friend_ ” The way he said _friend_ gave it all away and Mickey had to grip his coffee cup extra hard, picturing it as Simon’s throat.  
  
Yev wasn’t fucking stupid and he had picked up on Simon’s meaning of the word _friend._  
  
“Oh sweet baby Jesus! I haven’t ever met one of dad’s _special_ friends yet! Yeah, I’m Yevgeny. Nice to meet you Simon. You should totally come have pizza with us to!”  
  
Yev stood there beaming up at Simon occasionally looking at Mickey and wiggling his eyebrows at him suggestively. Simon was smiling back  like a retard at the kid nodding in agreement to the Pizza fucking party they were obviously about to have.  
  
Mandy just looked on in horror.  
  
Actually... Mandy wasn’t looking at them, she was looking _past_ them. Mickey followed her gaze to see Ian stopped dead centre in the middle of the running path a few feet away from them. If looks could fucking Kill, Simon would be a dead man. Mickey watched on as Simon turned around to see what he was looking at.  
  
“Oh, hey Ian. You out for a run?” Simon said in a saccharin sweet tone which made Mickey cringe. He already knew that Simon had a problem with Ian, Simon could tell straight away that there was something between them.  
  
_Shit, not was, there USE TO BE something between them...nothing anymore, he was over it._    
  
Simon had been asking constantly about Ian lately. They didn't usually text that much through the week but ever since they had bumped into Mandy and Ian at the club that very first night, Simon kept finding excuses to text him and would casually drop something about Ian in them.  
  
_...so, have you seen your sister and Ian again..._  
...  _how close were you with that Ian guy..._  
...That Ian totally has a crush on you...  
  
Blah, Blah fucking BLAH. It had been driving Mickey crazy!  
  
  
Mickey brought his attention back to Ian, who had looked like he was debating whether or not to attempt to keep on running straight past them or stop. Obviously not wanting to let Simon and his big fucking mouth get the better of Ian He had chosen to stop. Mickey watched on in silence as Ian slowly walked over to them. A huge fake smile plastered all over his red hot face.  
  
_Simon's hot body had absolutely nothing on Ian's_   Mickey thought to himself as he now admired the new view, biting and licking his lip as Ian stopped in front of them.  
  
“Yeah… didn’t realise this was the park you were _all_ heading to. Nice to see you again Simon.”  
  
Mickey caught the emphasis Ian put on the wrod 'all' and couldn’t help but be a little happy that Ian was a little unsettled by Simon being here. Simon took the opportunity to place his hand on Yev’s shoulder and Mickey watched on as Ian stared at it, his face burning hotter until it practically matched the colour of his hair. Mickey was just as pissed off.  
  
“Yeah, we’re all heading out to get Pizza, you should join in man.” Simon said with his hand still on Yevgeny’s shoulder. Mickey kept staring at his hand contemplating breaking every fucking knuckle on that hand.  
  
Mickey looked at Mandy and raised his eyebrows hopefully expressing the need for help. Thankfully, even after all these years, Mandy still knew her brother well.  
  
“Well, us _adults_ over here hadn’t actually agreed to heading out for a slice. I gotta get home and get ready for work plus both you _boys_ are a disgusting sweaty mess, kinda don’t want to eat whilst smelling all your grossness. We can do Pizza another time kiddo. Come on Ian, you can escort me home. See you guys later!”  
  
She looped her arm around Ian basically dragging him away and waved goodbye to Simon, Yevgeny and Mickey. Mickey glared at Simon before walking off eithout a word to the guy, with Yev under his arm. Simon followed behind, which really pissed Mickey off.  
  
“You guys don’t want to get Pizza then?”  
  
_Is this guy fucking serious!_ Mickey stopped walking and looked over at Simon glaring at him and the other man cowered from his look.  
  
“Not really in the mood right now Simon, I’ll text you later. Gotta get the kid home”  
  
“See you later Simon, Nice to meet you!!” Yev yelled out turning to wave goodbye. Mickey pulled Yev away and headed for the car, not looking back in Simon’s direction.  
  
“You too Yev. Make sure you text me later Mickey”  
  
He’d be texting him later that’s for sure. Simon did not get to fucking do that shit. Bombard them, meet Yev without Mickey’s permission. Simon had run his course, Mickey was doing the asshole thing tonight and dumping Simon via text, and he didn’t even feel slightly bad about it.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Simon is such a douchebag
> 
> Thanks for the comment and Kudos... Gonna get into the good stuff soon so I hope you're all sticking around x


	8. Chapter 8

Ian was exhausted after finishing his Wednesday shift. He’d been working at his new station house for two weeks now and it was amazing, the guy’s he worked with were really nice and had welcomed him in straight away.  
  
A couple of them were pretty hot too, Ian was adamant to stay away from fucking any work colleagues again though. He didn’t want to repeat what had happened with Caleb again that was for damn sure. It also didn’t help that he was still thinking about Mickey, a lot.  
  
He had seen him only in passing after the run in on Sunday at the park, with fucking _Simon_ , over two weeks ago.  
  
Seeing that douchebag there with Mickey checking him out and smiling at him, had really pissed Ian off. Not that he had a right to be or even knew why it had bothered him so much.  
  
Yeah, he might’ve been close to fooling around with Mickey only hours before the Park incident, but clearly Simon was in his life and Mickey looked happy. The guy had even seemed chummy with Yev. Ian couldn’t imagine that Mickey would be the type of guy to introduce his son to a guy unless there was something serious going on. He had wanted to ask Mandy about it but knew that would just cause too many problems and questions from his very inquisitive best friend. He also didn’t want to put her in an awkward situation between him and Mickey if he could help it. So he had kept his mouth shut and stewed away silently for the last two weeks.  
  
He made his way to his car and headed home. He was pissed that yet again thoughts of Mickey were in his head. It had become a constant flitter through his mind lately. He really wanted to try and talk to him but the opportunity hadn’t come up. He had only seen Mickey a few times as they crossed paths with Ian leaving the apartment and Mickey walking past to enter. Mickey would keep his head down and walk away as quickly as possible not allowing Ian to approach him. He knew that he had been there visiting Mandy sometimes when Ian was working, he could smell his lingering cologne in the apartment when he would come home and immediately Ian would just know that it was Mickey that had been here. It just smelt so much like him and Ian's heart would pump that little bit harder.   
  
Ian had also been to both clubs that he had previously bumped into Mickey in the hopes of a possible chance encounter, but he hadn’t seen the blue eyed man in either of them. He was beginning to feel a little bit like a stalker.  
  
Ian sighed as he unlocked his front door and looked up as her heard a gruff laugh from his living room, his stomach instantly began to flutter. _Mickey was here._  
  
He placed his bag down on the floor and ran his hands through his hair in nervous anticipation. He walked into the kitchen and saw Mandy and Mickey in the living room drinking and laughing. His breath hitched at the sight of the other man. _God he was so beautiful, especially when he was all relaxed and happy._  
  
Ian smiled and cleared his throat, both Mandy and Mickey turned around at the sound.  
  
“Hey Ian, sorry I thought you were working the late shift?” Mandy said as she took awkward glances between Ian and Mickey.  
  
“No I swapped with Jarod, but it’s all good. You guys can stay. I can head out or something if you like”  
  
Ian was still standing in the hallway unsure on what to do, he didn’t really want to leave.  
  
“I’m not gonna kick you out of your own fucking place man. Just, sit down or something. You’re making me feel awkward as shit just standing there like a lost fucking puppy.” Mickey said gruffly as he looked at Ian.  
  
Ian watched as Mickey thumbed his bottom lip taking sideways glances at him, _he’s nervous_.  
  
His tone was friendly enough so Ian sauntered over to the lounge room and took the chair closest to Mandy. The whole room fell silent. Mickey kept his head down and thumbed the label on his beer bottle; Mandy was chewing on her lip and intently studying the split ends in her hair. Ian sighed as he watched them both being extremely uncomfortable in his presence. The noise of his breath expelling loudly brought Mickey’s eyes up to Ian’s. Ian held his gaze feeling his heart beating rapidly in his chest. How is it that someone he hasn’t seen in so long can still have this effect on him? Someone he thought he was over?  
  
“Wanna beer firecrotch?”  
  
The sudden sound of Mickey’s voice made Ian jump a little in his seat. Mickey was still watching Ian, with his eyebrows now raised waiting for an answer.  
  
“Ahh… yeah, if that’s cool” Ian stammered nervously, he looked at Mandy who just shrugged.  
  
“Wouldn’t of offered if it wasn’t” Mickey replied downing the rest of his beer and then shaking the empty bottle at Ian “Plus you can get me another while you’re at it”  
  
He smiled slightly at Ian as Ian got up to go to the fridge. _What the fuck was going on?_ He was so confused, but If Mickey wanted to play nice right now, Ian was definitely up for that.  
  
He lingered in the kitchen for a little bit trying to compose himself before venturing back into the living room. He could hear that Mandy and Mickey were talking quietly but he couldn’t really hear what they were saying. He walked into the room and handed Mickey his beer “cheers” Mickey replied.  
  
Mandy had put the television on and they all sat down and mindlessly watched it. Ian kept sneaking glances over at Mickey, occasionally Mickey would look at him at the same time and they would both overt their eyes awkwardly. Mickey stood up and made his way over to the fridge, probably to get another beer and Ian took the opportunity to look him up and down.  
  
He looked really good. He was wearing a buttoned down grey shirt with black jeans that hugged his ass accentuating all those fine curves that Ian knew so well. He drew his eyes upwards when Mickey abruptly stopped walking, only half way to the kitchen, when his eyes made it to Mickey's face he found him smirking at Ian, clearly busting him perving.  
  
Ian blushed. Which made Mickey laugh out loud.  
  
“What the fuck is with you weirdos? Ughhh… I can’t take this. I’m going to go to my room now so you can continue to awkwardly not talk to each other and just eye fuck instead. Fucking homo’s”  
  
Mandy stood up and began storming away to her room, slamming the door as she left, leaving both boys stunned.  
  
Without Mandy there things felt twice as awkward as it had been before.  
  
Mickey continued walking to the fridge and Ian waited nervously for him to come back. After he didn’t return Ian thought that maybe he had left, he got up and walked into the kitchen to find Mickey sitting up on the bench drinking a beer.  
  
“Thought you might’ve left” Ian asked nervously.  
  
“Nah.. Thought about it though. Dunno… thinking maybe we should just get the talking bullshit out of the way. If you want to….”  
  
Ian jumped at the chance to finally be able to speak to Mickey again. His eyes lit up as soon as Mickey said that he wanted to talk.  
  
“Yeah. I do, it’s kind of all I’ve been thinking about lately” Ian stammered  
  
“Yeah. Same.”  
  
An awkward silence fell over the both of them. Ian was waiting for Mickey to start talking considering this was his whole idea, but he knew Mickey wasn’t one to really talk about shit so Ian took the lead. He leant against the fridge and began talking  
  
“I want to apologise for the other night when you were drunk and I took advantage of the situation”  
  
“I’m not some little pussy bitch claiming you raped my mouth Gallagher. It’s fine. Shit happens, don’t worry about it” Mickey snapped at him.  
  
“Yeah but still, it was fucking stupid of me”  
  
“Yeah, but you like to do stupid things dontcha’”  
  
Another awkward silence stretched out between the two men. Mickey continued to drink his beer and Ian pulled at a loose thread on his t-shirt until he couldn’t stand it anymore and began pacing and started rambling.  
  
“Fuck, seeing you again just threw my mind for a fucking spin. This whole situation is just fucking with my head right now. I just never really thought I’d see you again, you know. I guess it’s that whole out of sight out of mind thing”  
  
Ian realised how nervous he was to talk about all of this because he was wildly gesturing with his hands, something he only did when he was extremely nervous. He leant his back on the bench opposite to wear Mickey was sitting and folded his arms to stop them from flailing about.  
  
He began to think about what he just said as he waited for Mickey to comment.  
  
Had Mickey ever really been out of his mind? Yeah, nowadays he was always there in his head but over the last nine years? Over the years some days something would happen and remind him of Mickey and he would remember him then. But it was never this bad, never this much and he just couldn’t handle it.  
  
“Trust me. I fucking know. Look, I just want things to be ok for Mandy. Us avoiding each other is making her life difficult. I don’t wanna do that to her and I don’t wanna keep bumping into your lanky ass and us fighting, being awkward or whatever. I just want things to be chill. You think we could do that? Like Fake Friends or something?”  
  
Mickey was looking Ian straight in the eyes as he spoke. He was chewing the side of his cheek waiting for Ian to answer. Ian wanted to do this for Mandy too. But he really wanted everything to be REALLY fine with him and Mickey and that wasn’t going to happen unless they finally laid their past to rest. Ian swallowed hard and used all of his courage to finally bring up the subject they needed to talk about.  
  
“I think so. I just… I thought maybe we would talk about what happened… 9 years ago?”  
  
He watched as Mickey ran a hand down his face and groaned. The blue eyed man jumped down of the bench and walked over to Ian.  
  
“That aint gonna happen sunshine. I can be friendly with you and shit, but what happened back then… happened, and I can’t forgive or forget that. No matter what you’re gonna say it’s not gonna change anything… You can’t fucking take it back… maybe we can just find a place where, ya know, we’re good or something.”  
  
That wasn’t enough for Ian. He wanted them to be…What? He still didn’t really know all he did know is he didn’t want to be fake friends which is clearly what Mickey had in mind. Ian wanted more. He wanted the chance to explain. He wanted Mickey to yell at him again, let it all out. He had to try, they had to be something more than this…  
  
“But Mick…” Ian made a grab for Mickey’s wrist, but Mickey pulled away quickly, shook his head and walked into the living room where his jacket was and began getting ready to leave. Ian’s heart hammered in his chest as Mickey spoke.  
  
“Take it or leave it Gallagher. This is all I’m giving you. You should be fucking thankful that I’m willing to do this much.”  
  
“Fine” Ian had to take whatever he could get right now. He could tell that Mickey had no intentions of finishing this conversation.  
  
Mickey had his jacket on now and was making his way to the front door he stopped in front of Ian first and pushed his finger into Ian’s chest as he spoke again.  
  
“I’m doing this for Mandy, not for your freckly ass. Just so you know”  
  
Ian just nodded looking into Mickey’s eyes looking for some kind of hidden emotion in them, hurt, anger, confusion, love?  
  
But all he saw was the bright blue iris’, no tell-tale sign of what Mickey was feeling. Mickey stood there for a while just looking back at Ian and then he moved towards the door and left.  
  
Before Ian really knew what was happening he felt his eyelashes become heavy with droplets of tears. He placed his hands over his face and quietly sobbed in his hands.  
  
“Ian…?”  
  
Ian didn’t move his hands from his face and didn’t make any effort to move. He just stood still in the kitchen as Mandy came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her face on his back and squeezing him tight.  
  
“I told you, you’re not over him loser. You’ve never really been over him, but I think you’re only just realising it now, huh?”  
  
Mandy’s soothing voice began to calm Ian down a little, he stopped crying and placed his hands over hers and squeezed her tighter. He didn’t speak or move from the spot he was standing in and Mandy didn’t let him go.  
  
Was this meltdown because he wasn’t really over Mickey, or was it just because there was so much pain and hurt between them, or so much history that Ian didn’t want to let go of? All he really knew at this point was that whatever the fuck was going on right now, hurt. Deep within his chest was a pain so real and strong that he felt as if he might just burn into flames right there in the kitchen. Mandy spoke again, her gentle voice vibrating into his spine as she still hugged him close.  
  
“I’m going to let you in on a little secret... Back when we were in Chicago, at our old apartment, when we would watch movies and fall asleep on the couch… Some nights you would say his name in your sleep”  
  
Ian turned around completely stunned, facing Mandy who looked at him sadly. She reached up and wiped the tears off of his cheek  
  
“I didn’t?” he said, but she nodded at him  
  
“Yeah you fucking did. You’ve been doing it for years Ian.” She took her hands and cupped his face as she continued talking to him  
  
“Ian, I kept up with the lie that you were over him, because you did, but you can’t lie anymore. You’ve sabotaged every relationship since Mick, your head might’ve thought you were over him but clearly your heart and your dreams obviously disagree”  
  
Ian ran his hand through his hair in frustration, had he still been in love with Mickey all these years? Christ, he knew that he still thought about him from time to time, but did he still love him? Never in a million years did he think that there could still be some sort of love between them after all this time and after all the things that had been said and done. Maybe he still felt something, but love… He didn’t know.  
  
Is he still completely and utterly in love with Mickey Milkovich?  
  
“Fuck Mandy, I don’t know what this all means. I’m so fucking confused right now. Mickey said that he wants to be friends again, but that he’s only doing it for you. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I really don’t know how I feel about him anymore. All I know is that he fucking hates me.”  
  
He watched her as she walked to the fridge and pulled out the leftover pizza and heated it up for the both of them.  
  
“Dude, I wanna stay out of this as much as I can. But, Mick’s changed a lot over the years and I don't really know my brother that well anymore. I don’t really know what he wants from you Ian. I have no idea what you really want from him either. You can deny it all you want, but I really think you still love him. Fuck man. This shit is all kinds of fucked up, but it always has been with you two. But I think this is at least a step in the right direction, being friends of some kind, right? Just see how things go, Ok.”  
  
All he could do was nod as she handed him a plate with the reheated pizza on it.  
  
“Fuck my life” He mumbled through a bite of his food  
  
“Yes indeedy” was Mandy’s reply as she padded out of the kitchen, slapping his ass as she walked past him.  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
  
After Mickey walked out of the door he closed it and then leant against it sighing, rubbing both of his hands down his face and sighing again. _FUCK._  
  
He patted his jacket looking for his cigarettes but realised he left them inside, he contemplated going back inside to get them but he really didn’t want to walk back in there and see Ian again. He wasn’t even sure if the door had locked behind him as he left anyway. He stood there leaning on the door for a minute or two longer and thought to himself, _fuck it_ if the door was unlocked and if it opened he’d get his smokes, if it didn’t he would just leave.   
  
He turned the handle and it opened. He peeked his head in hoping not to see any sign of Ian as he stepped in and glanced in the kitchen. He saw Mandy hugging Ian from behind and Ian had his hands over his face, his body was letting out gentle convulsions every now and then as if he was crying… _was Ian fucking crying?_  
  
Mickey felt his stomach drop and a tug at his heart at the thought that he had made Ian cry. He looked on for a second longer and then gently closed the door, activating the lock so he couldn’t walk back in. He had the hugest urge to run in there and take the lanky redhead in his arms and hold him tight, run his hand through his soft red hair and kiss all of his tears away. But he couldn’t do that,  a huge part of him wanted to but another part of him thought ‘fuck him he deserves to hurt like I did’.  
  
Mickey stood there and closed his eyes tight as memories flooded in of Mickey in a small cell biting his fist so his cries wouldn’t get noticed by his cell mate, earning him a beating. Ian had made him cry himself to sleep for days, months, fucking _years_ after he had left him in there, after he moved on with the fucking fire fighter boyfriend.   
  
Mickey pushed himself off of the door and made his way out of the complex. He couldn’t stop thinking about Ian standing in the kitchen crying, he thought about it on the way home, when he went to bed, whilst he was sleeping and when he woke up. He didn't know why it was bothering him so fucking much that Ian had been crying/  
  
Does Ian still fucking _care_ about him? Does he even give a shit if Ian _does_ care?   
  
This whole situation was 100 shades of fucked up and Mickey had no clue on what the fuck this all meant.  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thanks so fucking much for all the love x
> 
> Hope you're still sticking with it, i said it was a slow burn but I promise it's getting hot up in here soon :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I haven't posted as frequently as I usually do. Been a bit busy with life and all that, but I promise I will try to get more out soon!
> 
> I have the next chapter almost ready to go so hopefully today or tomorrow I'll post again xx
> 
> Kudos and comments have been lovely BTW xo

“Hey, Gallagher. We’re heading over to a bar a few blocks over for a few beers. You should come!”   
  
Ian looked up to see Eddie standing next to him. Eddie had been really great with making Ian feel at home at his new job and he had been trying to get Ian to come out and hang with the boys for a while now. Ian had been avoiding it, deciding to spend time on his own moping about at home and trying to sort out his feelings for Mickey. Plus it was a Friday night which meant that Mickey would probably be at his apartment with Mandy and Ian just couldn't take it any more. The first few weekends after their talk, Mickey had been around a lot hanging with Mandy and Ian had used that opportunity to try and get closer, friendly with his Ex again, but it just wasn't working. Mickey was being nice but Ian could see how awkward it made him. It was so fake and wrong and it was just confusing the fuck out of Ian even more. He just didn't want to do it tonight he also couldn’t think of any more decent excuses to delay the inevitable bonding session with his workmates any longer, so Ian decided he’d have a few drinks and then head home.   
  
They arrived at the bar. The place was dimly lit and dirty as fuck. Ian felt right at home. Eddie had pulled up a stool at the bar and ordered two beers so Ian took the stool next to him as the other fire fighters sat around them. They all chatted for awhile talking about different jobs and there lives until Ian heard a voice he knew well, a voice he couldn’t forget call out from across the bar to him.   
  
“The fuck man!”   
  
He looked over to see Mickey standing there staring at Ian with his eyebrows up and a scowl across his face.  
_Why the fuck did this keep happening?_   
  
Since their little talk about being fake friends had come up a month ago, Ian felt like wherever he went lately, Mickey was always there. Not just at his apartment but also at the gym, the fucking grocery store, now at this bar! His Ex was fucking… EVERYWHERE.  
  
Mickey had been somewhat polite, in Mickey’s usual insulting way, but by no means were they in a good place. And Ian was still so fucking confused about what he still felt for the blue eyed man that he had decided to go back to trying to just avoid him. But it seems that fate, or some other fucked up bullshit wanted to keep tormenting him and kept throwing them together.  
  
“Jesus” He muttered under his breath before raising his head up again and putting a smile on his face and waving at Mickey.  
  
“Hey Mickey”   
  
“Red” Was the only reply he got back and a slight nod of the head before Mickey turned and walked over to the pool table where a bunch of guys were racking up.  
  
Ian spent a good couple of hours glued to his seat watching Mickey out of the corner of his eye. Mickey was laughing, playing pool and looking like he was really enjoying himself, which made Ian smile. He looked good like that. Ian had never really seen him acting comfortably around people that weren’t his siblings or Ian.  
  
But this Mickey was the life of the party with his group of friends. He watched on as Mickey cracked jokes, playfully put a guy in a headlock and ruffled his hair. This Mickey was a vast step up from the angry loner he once had dated. He was also much different around these people than he was when he was around Ian now, not that he blamed him but it still hurt to know that he could never make Mickey smile like that or laugh like that any more. The only thing he could produce from his Ex was the occasional benign conversation and maybe a fake smile or two. Ian took a deep breath and sighed, watching Mickey still laughing.   
  
“You gonna keep staring at the guy over there, or you gonna make a move Gallagher”   
  
He drew his eyes away from Mickey and looked at Eddie who was leaning on the bar talking to him.  
  
“He’s actually my ex, like THE EX. You know, the one I told you about with the whole crazy relationship and messy as fuck break up? We’re on awkward grounds at the moment. Probably not a good idea to ruin his night. I’ve kinda been doing that a lot since I got to New York and he seems to be having a good time despite the fact that I’m here. I’m just gonna be a creepy perv and drink my beer over here and stare longingly at his fine ass.” Ian said as he downed his beer and let the bartender know that he wanted another. Probably shouldn’t have anymore because he was getting too close to his limit.   
  
Eddie laughed at him and hopped off of his bar stool and put his arm around Ian.  
  
“Dude, you both keep secretly eye fucking each other when you think the other one isn’t looking. I can’t handle all this sexual tension in the air, I’m choking on it. I’m gonna set up a game with them. I know a couple of his mates, they work at the factory across the street, regulars. It’ll be cool Gallagher, c’mon”  
  
He didn’t have much of a say in it anyways as Eddie was built like a truck and basically dragged Ian over towards the table even though Ian was trying to pull himself back. Ian looked at Mickey as they made their way over and shrugged at him apologetically. Mickey was leaning against the table with his tongue licking the corner of his mouth which was slightly raised up in a smirk, his eyebrows were raised up high towards his hairline.  
  
“Hey Kyle! You and your buddy keen for a game. Got a new recruit here and he’s been eye fucking this…ahhh… _pool table_ all night, right Gallagher?”   
  
Eddie directed his conversation to a guy standing next to Mickey who was dusting the tip of his pool cue off. Mickey’s eyes were still on Ian’s and Ian couldn’t help but blush when Eddie mentioned the eye fucking. He was pleasantly surprised to see a similar blush creep over Mickeys face too.  
  
“Sounds good Eddie, which one of you assholes wants in on the game?” Said Kyle to the group of guys standing around.  
  
Ian looked at Mickey hoping he would say yes, much to his disappointment Mickey grinned at Ian and shook his head and leant his back against the table next to them, eyes still focused on Ian. A tall dark haired man grabbed the cue from Mickey and smiled at Eddie and Ian.  
  
“The name’s Pete, I’m in on this one, rack ‘em up boys!”   
  
Ian grabbed a pool cue, still taking looks at Mickey as he watched Eddie set the balls up. Mickey had begun biting his lip seductively and Ian returned the favour by licking his own bottom lip and smiling at Mickey. His green eyes firmly locked on to Mickey’s baby blues.  
  
 _Why the fuck is he flirting with me, i know those fucking bedroom eyes!_  
  
“What’s your name?” Pete said forcing Ian to be polite and break his staring contest with Mickey, but before Ian could answer him, Mickey spoke up.  
  
“His name’s Ian, Ian Gallagher and you’re gonna kick his pale ass Pete.”   
  
Mickey continued to smirk at Ian, crossing his arms over his chest, putting his tight biceps on display.  
  
_Fuck he looks so fucking hot right now_  
  
Mickey’s friend Pete leant against Mick and smiled at Ian too.  
  
“Ahhh… You boy’s well acquainted then? Being on first name basis and all”   
  
Mickey picked up his beer and took a mouthful and wiped the remaining moisture from his lips with the back of his hand and raised his eyebrows again at Ian. Ian made his way around the table to take his shot  as Mickey spoke again.  
  
“Oh I know every Inch of this lanky string bean over here, we’re _very_ well acquainted”   
  
Mickey’s eyes deliberately made their way to Ian’s package at the word Inch and then he licked his lips and looked back at Ian with the smuggest expression Ian has ever seen him make. Mickey was flat out flirting with him openly in a bar full of people. What the actual fuck?  
  
Ian suddenly found his mouth extremely dry so he downed the rest of his drink and began to feel the effects of all the alcohol he had consumed hit him full force.  
  
“Every Inch you say Mick?” His mate Kyle said as he leant down to take his shot and smiled at Ian.  
  
“Yeah…all two of ‘em” Mickey barked out in between laughter  
  
The whole bunch of guys with in ear shot burst into laughter, Kyle slapping Mickey on his back in hysterics. Mickey just continued to grin like the fucking Cheshire cat in wonderland at Ian.   
  
Ian feeling confident from the alcohol walked over to where Mickey was standing and leant his face in towards Mickey's.   
  
“I know it’s been a while Mick, but you and I both know that my dicks a lot bigger than that. Or do you need me to refresh your memory? Because I can remember all the times my dick made you moan and groan like a little bitch, I doubt two inches would be able to make a size queen like you squeal.”   
  
Ian didn’t even register that he was speaking, let alone what words were falling through his loose lips until the words were already out of his mouth. He looked on as Mickey’s smiling face turned into a glare.  
  
Shit, had he gone too far?  
  
Mickey seemed to be more relaxed than he used to be, but Ian had no idea if he had pushed too far. Where had that even come from? He had definitely drank too much and his brain was not thinking correctly. He stared at Mickey’s face waiting for him to punch him, scream at him or something. But Mickey just stood there staring back at Ian. And then…   
  
Mickey fucking grinned so big that his smile took up most of his face; he pushed Ian in his chest and began laughing at him as the rest of the boys joined in.   
  
“A little Bitch? The only little bitch here I see is fucking you, fire crotch! Take your god damn shot before I ram Kyle’s pool cue up your freckly ass”   
  
Ok that went a whole lot better than he had expected. Mickey was back to tonguing the corner of his mouth and kept looking Ian up and down. After finally relaxing a little Ian turned towards the table and bent over in front of Mickey making sure he had a nice view of his ass before turning his head to look the shorter man in the eye again. Ian smiled and raised an eyebrow at him suggestively  
  
“You know you’d rather me ram mine up yours Mick, but whatever…”   
  
And then Ian took his shot as the rest of the boys began laughing again, Eddie nudging Ian with his shoulder as Ian turned to look at Mickey again. Mickey shook his head, chuckled and flipped him off. Ian drew his attention away back to the game in front of him. A warm burst in his chest burning, not from the alcohol. He knew it was from being around a playful, happy Mickey. God he had missed this, the playful banter and the expressions on his face. How the fuck has he survived the last 9 years of his life without this, without Mickey. He felt so content right now and the happiness that swelled all around him was nothing that he had ever felt before. If Ian Gallagher dropped dead right fucking now, in this shitty little bar, he would die a fucking happy man.  
  
Ian watched as Mickey made his way to the bar and ordered another round. Paul, another fire fighter headed over to him and Ian watched as Paul joked around with Mickey. Ian finished his game off and sat down at a table drinking his beer. He was well into being drunk right now and he couldn't give a single fuck. God was he happy to be here in New York right at this moment.   
  
His happy buzz continued as Mickey pulled up a stool next to him.  
  
“So Raggedy Ann, you liking your new Job? The boys you work with seem pretty chill” Mickey asked, sipping his drink and thumbing his bottom lip, taking glassy eyed looks at Ian.   
  
“Yeah, it’s been awesome so far, settled in nicely” Ian grinned at Mickey, happy that he was being friendly for a change. Fucking ecstatic that Mickey had sat near him  
  
“You’ve always been a social fucking butterfly so I aint shocked you’re in with them boys already”  
  
The conversation pulled into a silent lull as both of the men drank there drinks unsure of what to say to each other. Mickey’s friends came over and Ian watched the way Mickey joked with them again and how open and friendly he now was. When Mickey’s friends left to play another game of pool Ian was grinning at him like the drunken dork he was, he just couldn't help it.

Mickey raised his eyebrows at him, silently questioning ‘what the fuck are you looking at me like that for’  
  
“You surprise me” Ian answered the unasked question. Shaking his head at Mickey   
  
“And how do I fucking do that Red?”  
  
“You, with these guys. You joke around and just seem... really at ease”  
  
“Yeah, Guess I learnt how to tolerate fucktards. We all work together and they just wouldn’t fucking leave me alone til we became friends… I like ‘em though”  
  
Ian could tell it was the truth, about liking them, the sincerity in Mickey’s voice was there. A couple of the guys came back to the table they were sitting at forcing Mickey to move closer to Ian, and when their knees knocked accidently under the table, Ian blushed and felt his face tighten from the wide smile that was now plastered on his face.   
  
“I’m really happy for you ya’ know Mick. You’re doin’ so good. You look real good too”  
  
“Jeez Gallagher, keep it in your pants! Look at you, you’re fuckin’ wasted. Fucking grinning like a loon”   
  
Mickey’s joking nature continued to keep Ian’s smile on his face and he was happy to notice that Mickey was smiling just as big. Their thighs were touching under the table and the warmth spread all over Ian's body, consuming him and making him feel alive for the first time in so long.   
  
“Being around you makes me happy. ‘specially when you’re being nice” Ian said as he bumped his shoulder into Mickey’s, Mickey reciprocated by bumping him back.   
  
“Well soak it up sunshine, I’m a little drunk and in a good mood and your dumbass hasn’t managed to annoy me yet. But I can’t promise you won’t piss me off. The nights still young and you’re still you.”  
  
“Haha.. I’ll take what I can get then”   
  
Ian didn’t mean to, he really didn’t, but somehow his hand had made its way on to Mickey’s thigh. He looked down at it and then up at Mickey’s face. Mickey was biting his bottom lip in amusement as he leant in closer to Ian’s face. He felt his warm alcohol fuelled breath on his cheeks as Mickey whispered in his ear.  
  
“I’m sure you will, but I'm pretty sure that I'm the one who likes to take it Gallagher”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's out a little later than I thought :/  
> My best friend had her birthday so i've been a little busy.  
> Thanks for all the comments. I do read them all and they help me keep up the motivation. Hopefully I'll go back to uploading more frequently!  
> Also... A little bit of bathroom smut is coming your way, might need to change the rating. If it's not your thing I'm sorry!!  
> And i did say it was an angst riddled fan fic and a slow burn so.... Yeahhhhhh
> 
> Love and kisses xx 
> 
> Comment and Kudos if you're still liking this, i feel a little mehhhhh about it at the moment?

It had been an excruciating month for Mickey. This whole fake friend’s thing with Ian was pure and utter fucking torturous bullshit. He had felt so terrible after seeing Ian so fucking miserable, crying in that kitchen that when he had awoken the next day Mickey had decided he would really fucking give the friendship thing a red hot go.   
  
But that had failed miserably.  
  
He had spent most of his free time at Mandy’s over the last month, mainly Friday nights and Saturdays. He had missed her and wanted to rekindle their family bond back and that was going well. Better than ever actually.  
  
Being older and wiser made him realise how important she was to him, it also made him realise how much he had missed their playful sibling rivalry and their penchant for ridiculous insults and fake fights, and even the real ones.   
  
The other reason he was spending his free time there, was because he was trying to make the friendship thing work with Ian. He had also stupidly missed that ginger fuck too, no matter what had gone down between them, Ian had been his best friend, his only friend, before he want to prison.  
  
Things were fucking awkward though, Mickey didn’t know how to act around him, sometimes the conversation flowed and they would laugh and it was nice, normal, like nothing bad had happened between them. Those times Mickey would have to hold himself back from the knee jerk reaction to brush a stray hair from Ian’s forehead so it didn’t dangle in front of his eyes, stop himself from placing his hand over Ian’s and roll his thumb over the other man’s hand, stop the gentle touches and caresses that he wanted, yearned to do so badly that it physically hurt his body not to touch him in some way. And when Ian would laugh at his jokes and smile at him, his stomach would tingle and he would grip hold of the chair he was sitting on to stop himself form Kissing the goofy dork.  
  
Other times, Mickey would just look at him and remember all the shit he had been put through by Ian and he would have to hold himself back from launching at him, fists flying high in the air to punch that fucking smile off of his face because that fucker didn’t deserve to smile after everything he had done. Those times the conversation was gruff and Mickey would find himself talking harshly to the redhead, bringing up the past in little spiteful snippets of chat and his insides would boil as he watched Ian’s smile turn into a painful grimace.  
  
But he was trying to make this work out somehow, he really fucking was.  
  
He wasn't sure who he was doing it for any more though, for Mandy, for Ian or for himself.  
  
  
  
Mickey found himself at The Dive on Friday night instead of at his sisters apartment, the boys from work had pestered him about missing out on the last 3 Friday night drinking sessions they usually had after they finished work for the week and Mickey thought, fuck it, and told Mandy he would see her tomorrow instead. He could do with a night off of playing nice with Gallagher, well that was what he thought before he noticed the lanky fucker on the other side of _his_ bar tonight.  
  
He’s not sure if it was the atmosphere of his being at his usual bar with all of his friends there relaxing him and making their usual jokes, or if it was the large amount of alcohol he was consuming that put him in a good mood, a good enough mood to actually loosen up completely and enjoy Ian’s company wholeheartedly for a change.   
  
He suspected it was probably all of the above and maybe a tiny bit of how fucking _hot_ Ian looked tonight with his hair all slicked back, dark blue shirt that was tight and hugging his body in a way that he almost looked topless. With his black skinny jeans that hugged his firm ass, the red flush on his face from drinking and the way he laughed with his friends, he looked _delicious_ , Mickey wanted to fucking eat him all up like a fucking carrot cupcake.  
  
Something was definitely in the air and Mickey couldn’t help himself but fall into the old Mickey and Ian flirtation, and fuck did it feel good.   
  
The whole night of playing pool and watching Ian bend over as he took his shots, the way his shirt rolled up to show just a slither of his lower abs and the waistband of his briefs as he lifted his glass and drank from it leaving froth to lick off of his lip, wet from his beer, it was doing crazy things to Mickey's brain, and his penis.  
  
Jesus fucking Christ Mickey was done for.   
  
He shouldn’t of sat down next to him and chatted, that was when there was absolutely no fucking turning back, the joking the laughing the gentle brushing of their thighs and then when Ian put his hand on Mickey’s leg, Mickey knew it was on. He couldn't help himself tonight.  
  
 _“Haha.. I’ll take what I can get then”_   
  
When those words left Ian’s lips his eyes were shining mischievously at Mickey's and he bit his bottom lip and Mickey couldn’t help but lean in closer and brush his cheek to Ian’s as he whispered his reply into Ian’s ear  
  
 _“I’m sure you will, but I’m pretty sure I’m the one that likes to take it Gallagher”_  
  
  
  
  
DONE,FUCKING DONE...  
  
  
  
And the next minute he was dragging Ian into the bathroom stall, or maybe Ian was dragging him in there? It’s all a blur.  
  
Now he was pressed up against the locked door (who locked it? Another fucking blur) his hands pinned to his side as Ian’s mouth was pushing his mouth open forcefully with his lips and his tongue. He felt the warm intrusion and hot breath tasting of beer and cigarettes and Ian, that delicious taste that he needed more of.  
  
He slipped his tongue into Ian’s mouth to get as much of that taste as he could, almost chasing it down his throat. Ian happily obliged letting out a moan of pleasure into Mickey’s mouth. Ian’s hands moved from where they were, one hand grabbing Mickey’s head to push his mouth closer, somehow as if that was even possible, into his own.  
  
The other hand was on his hip pushing Mickey into his body, grinding up on him pushing his erection into Mickey’s own hardness.  
  
_One time, just this one fucking time and then no more. God he feels good, I just need this one time and It'll be fine_  ...  
  
Mickey thought to himself as he placed his hand on Ian’s hip letting his thumb stroke the skin under Ian’s waistband that had been teasing and taunting him all night. His other hand went under the back of Ian’s shirt as he ran his fingers up his spine.  
  
“Fuck” Ian moaned and bowed his back as Goosebumps settled all over his flushed skin from Mickey's touch. He tore his lips away from Mickey’s and moved them to bite his neck, and now Mickey was moaning.  
  
This just made Ian grind harder and faster against Mickey, Mickey opened his legs a little to make room for Ian to move in more, instead Ian began fumbling with Mickey’s belt.   
  
“Off” Ian panted as he made tried to make quick work of undoing Mickey's fly.  
  
In Mickey’s drunken haze he looked at Ian’s face, It was flushed and his lips were swollen and red from their sloppy and fast make out session, his pupils were blown from want and need, he _needed_ Mickey... and this just turned Mickey on more, he reached out and undid Ian’s belt as Ian wiggled Mickey’s jeans and boxers down his thighs.  
  
“So fucking hot” Ian said as he stood back a little to admire the view before lunging in to return his lips onto Mickey's swollen ones. Mickey now had Ian’s pants undone enough to place his hand on Ian’s throbbing erection, there was already a small glob of pre-come so Mickey wiped it down Ian's shaft with his fingers and used it to lube Ian up as he began to roughly jerk him off.   
  
“Jesus” Ian moaned as he leant in to Mickey again, keeping a firm grip on Mickey’s hips as he thrust himself into Mickey’s hands and moved his face into Mickey’s neck eagerly sucking and licking him.  
  
Feeling neglected and aching to feel Ian’s hands around him, Mickey grabbed Ian by the wrist and shoved his hand on his leaking erection.  
  
“Fucking touch me, I need you to touch me” He mumbled into Ian’s ear and then he began licking his earlobe before he whispered in Ian's ear again “Make me come”  
  
And Ian definitely didn't need to be told twice, he began stroking him, flicking his wrist on every third stroke as his hand worked it's way up to the tip, in just the way Mickey liked.   
  
Ian’s huffing and puffing into Mickey’s neck, the feel of his hot breath hitting him there, the feel of Ian working his dick so hard and rough had Mickey way too close to the edge.   
  
 _it’s too soon, fuck, i'm too close..._ he wanted it to last so much longer, needed it to last longer because this is the only time, the last time, that this will happen again.  
  
Before he reaches the point of climax he needs to feel Ian’s lips on his again.  
  
He brings the hand that’s not jerking Ian off, making him moan, and places it on Ian’s neck so that he can direct his beautiful lips onto his aching empty ones. He has no finesse right now and ends up sloppily smashing their lips together and fucking his tongue into Ian’s mouth as he comes so hard into Ian’s hand that he sees a flash of white behind his eyes and almost loses his balance. Then he feel’s Ian explode in his hands seconds later and the warm sticky liquid squirt through his fingers.  
  
Ian collapses his body into Mickey's, panting hard and he nuzzles his head into Mickey’s neck trailing soft kisses down to his collarbone. Mickey is still trying to gain his own self composure and Is panting just as hard but finally the realisation of what he’s just done, what _they've_ both done together, comes crashing down on him like a tonne of bricks.  
  
He feels claustrophobic from the pressure of Ian’s body on his, the warmth of Ian’s breathe on his neck burning him as he continues to lightly kiss Mickey there, then he hears the wrecked voice mumble the words...  
  
“I’ve missed this, Fuck, I’ve missed you Mick”   
  
It's too much for him and he shoves Ian off of him with so much force that Ian falls backwards and he crashes hard on the ground, pants wrapped around his legs and the most astonished, hurt expression on his face.   
  
Mickey quickly glances away and pulls up his pants, does his belt up and quickly turns to the sink to wash his hands and clean himself off. When he glances in the mirror he can see Ian still on the floor completely dumbfounded about what is going on. He watches as Ian makes a move to get up.   
  
“What the fuck is your problem Mickey!” He screams at him, face flushed not just from their make out session any more, but from rage.  
  
“Nothin’” Mickey can't look at him as he tries to walk past. Ian won't let him and blocks him in near the sink, arms caging him in again. Mickey takes a look at his face and fuck, Ian is so fucking mad right now.  
  
Mickey feels like a dick, he know's he's been sending mixed signals for the last month. Seeing the hurt and shock on Ian's face is so painful for him to look at but for some reason he just cant look away from those piercing green eyes right now.  
  
“Bullshit nothing! You fucking flirt with me, get me in here begging me to touch you and then you fucking push me away? God, I feel like we’re back to me being 15 with you again! You wanna be friends but you don’t, you fucking hate me but sometimes I think you don't. I mean, you clearly still wanna fuck me though, but that also seems to repulse you! What the fuck do you want from me? Just fucking tell me, please, so I can just give you what you want! I'll give you whatever it is that you want, just tell me...”   
  
Ian spits the words into Mickey's face. His last sentence though, comes out as a plea and Mickey feels so fucking guilty. But, he's just as confused as Ian is. He doesn't want to keep doing this bullshit, it just keeps happening. Whenever he is around Ian he can't seem to choose between hating him and wanting him.  
  
“I DON’T FUCKING KNOW, alright… I fucking slipped up.. Fuck!... it won’t happen again,”  
  
 _But it will, it always happens again with you... I can't stay away..._  
  
“What won’t happen again? The flirting? The fighting? Or the fucking Mick? Which one?” They're still face to face, Ian still has him trapped with his back against the sink and all Mickey can do is look into Ian's pleading eyes and God does he wish he could answer.  
  
But he can't, so he does the only thing he can do, push him away... He pushes Ian in the chest hard enough to give him space to move and try to walk away.  
  
“Jesus Christ, It was just a fucking hand job, no need to be a little whiny bitch about it” Mickey feels Ian's hand on his wrist as Ian pulls him back  
  
“The hand job’s not the fucking problem, it’s you being a dick about it afterwards”  
  
They’re interrupted by a loud banging on the locked door. Mickey pulls his hand away from Ian's and makes a move for the door straight away, he needs to get out of here, away from Ian, he needs to go home and think.   
  
He takes a quick look back at Ian before he unlocks the door. The redhead is at the sink now washing his hands and the running his damp hands through his hair. He won’t look at Mickey now, his face is full of anger and pain and Mickey can’t handle being in here any longer.   
  
He walks out and makes his way straight for the door, He ignores his work mates calling out to him and he finally reaches the front door and as he opens it and storms out, the cold night air begins soothing him, pulling the angry heat out of his body as he walks away from The Dive, away from Ian.  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
Mickey’s gone.  
  
He just up and left as soon as the banging happened on the door, after Ian finished banging him against it. The person that interrupted their argument happened to be Eddie. Mickey had pushed his way past Eddie, roughly, and Eddie had slammed against the door. He looks at Ian and raises an eyebrow.  
  
“What the fuck happened? Dude looks fucking pissed off… You alright man?”   
  
Ian looks at himself in the mirror taking in his appearance. His face is flushed, his lips are swollen and he can see wetness in his eyes from unshed tears..   
  
_Am I alright?  
_  
“I’m fine. Fuck… No, actually, I’m not fine I’m fucking more confused than I have ever been. I just don’t get what the fuck he wants from me”  
  
He leans on the sink where he had Mickey backed up before as Ian pleaded with him to fucking tell him what he wanted.  
  
The back and forth with Mickey was too much for him to handle. He didn't want to be a bitch about it and bring up his medical condition, but this unstable bullshit was fucking with him, really bad.  
  
He'd been popping so many anxiety meds whenever Mickey was around lately he felt like an emotionless zombie half the time, because that was the only way he could deal with Mickey's mood swings without it pushing Ian off the deep end. He couldn't do this for much longer. Ian wanted something with Mickey, friendship... maybe even more. But right now, for his health, he would take never having to see Mickey Milkovich again. He was supposed to be sorting his life out, not fucking it up more.  
  
And as angry as Ian was right now, He knew that this was fucking Mickey up just as badly... Obviously.  
  
He didn't want to ruin Mickey's life any more. Ian was considering leaving and heading back to Chicago. He was on a 6 month probation with his transfer, he could go back to his old station in Chicago any time between then and now. At least there was no way he would have this bullshit with Caleb, he felt nothing for him at all any more.  
  
But Mickey, it was so raw still for some reason. He still craved him, he still had feelings for him, and Mickey seemed to be just as conflicted. If only he could get that stubborn asshole to talk! Maybe they could get passed this?  
  
“Do you know what you want from him?” Eddie questioned him, snapping Ian out of his thoughts  
  
“No”  
  
“Well it’s not really fair to ask him what he wants if you don't know either. Look Ian, what you said about the situation to me before, sounds like shit's kinda bad, messy and fucked up with you two. It’s clearly playing with both of your heads man. You guys have to fucking sort this shit out or fucking ignore each other. Can’t be fucking and fighting in a bathroom for the rest of your lives”  
  
Ian can't help but laugh, it comes out strained and awkward and Eddie looks at him like he's crazy, little does he know that he actually fucking is.  
  
“Hahaha.. Funny thing is, replace bathroom with storage room and that’s basically how our relationship was before. Fucking and fighting, it's what we do best. Ughhhh Fuck this”  
  
Ian runs his palms down his face, he's so exhausted and the alcohol buzz has worn off and all he wants to do is collapse in his bed and sleep for a week. Eddie walks over closer to Ian and places his hand on Ian's shoulder. Ian looks up at him and can see the concerned look in his eyes.  
  
“Dude, sounds like the relationship was shit before, doubt it’ll get any better from here. Think it’s time to walk away. You deserve better you know?”  
  
 _You deserve better....  
  
_ It's what he thought after everything he had done and especially after the day he told Mickey they were over, how could Ian have treated someone he cared about so much that way? Ian was such a mess back then, fuck, he still is a mess.   
  
Mickey deserves so much better, always, not Ian. It's not him who deserves better, It's Mickey. Mickey deserves everything.  
  
The way he was acting with his work friends before proves that he had a good life until Ian come crashing back into it with all his bullshit. But back in Chicago, they had moved past all the bullshit, they got to a really good place and he finally, _fucking finally_ , was getting the relationship he had always dreamed of having with Mickey and then he went manic and fucked it all up. He walked away from Mickey and their relationship, he _did_ this, and just when their relationship was fucking good.  
  
 _Sounds like the relationship was shit before..._  
  
It might not have been a conventional relationship in other peoples eyes, but for two gay teenagers growing up where they did, with _their_ fucked up families, they never really had a chance at the typical normal relationship.   
  
And to be honest, Ian had done normal afterwards and nothing compared the the intensity and heat of the love he had shared with Mickey. And he was to blame for it all going to shit and he wanted that fucked up relationship back, because to him, it was fucking perfect. He wants what that relationship began to turn into, Mickey was there for him in so many ways that he never thought would be possible. Their lives had began to turn around and Ian had destroyed it, becoming Monica destroyed it.   
  
He was so mad with Eddie's comments because he had heard them all before from Lip and from his ex boyfriends. But they didn't understand what Mickey and Ian had, nobody did, not his family, not even Mandy.  
  
“I did walk away, that's the whole fucking problem. And you know what? I’ve already heard about how fucked up our relationship was before hand, but you don’t know the whole story, _no body_ does! Because you weren't there, you didn't know what we went through and how much we loved each other. I’m sick of people judging our relationship and putting in their bullshit theories of how Mick and I weren’t ' _in a healthy relationship'_. We we’re fucking better than everyone's depiction of fucking 'normal.' He was fucking good to me, good _for_ me. After all the bullshit we went through he ended up being the fucking best thing in my life and _I_ fucked it up. You didn’t know that part did you? It was all my fault!! He's being like this now because I treated him like shit and threw it all away. I don't deserve better, he does. So keep your fucking opinions about my love life to your fucking self, asshole”  
  
Ian pushed past a shocked Eddie and stormed outside, headed for the comforts of his home.  
  
Had he really said all that? Did he really still feel that way about being with Mickey? God this whole thing was so fucking fucked up.  
  
He felt bad about losing his shit at Eddie, it wasn't his fault, he was going to have to apologise to him for being a dick, but right now he was too angry and all he wanted to do was walk home (which would hopefully tire him out completely) crash out and wallow in self pity.  
  
  
  



	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been like a month!  
> I suck, you can be mad at me :(
> 
> Just struggling to get this story out, hit a bit of writers block and enthusiasm for this fic, but I'll hopefully get over it.
> 
> Let me know what you think?
> 
> Kudos and comments are always super helpful x

Mickey had taken a long walk to help clear his head after leaving The Dive Bar. He had fully intended on just heading home but somehow his feet had managed to steer himself right outside Mandy and Ian’s apartment. The walk and cold air had sobered him up somewhat but his mind was racing. He knew what he needed to do. This past Month of cordial conversation with Ian had been bullshit. Every time he saw him his heart fluttered and his stomach dropped and he felt angry, hurt and somehow through all that he still had urges to touch him and hold him. He was so confused and sick to death of this moodiness he had going on.  
  
He hadn’t meant for tonight to happen but with the alcohol and the flirtatious atmosphere, one thing had led to another and then his lust for Ian became unbearable to hold in. He acted on it and then felt the anger and humiliation come flooding back and he had lashed out. Ian was right, one day he was friendly, the next he was fighting and flirting and he just couldn’t keep this up. This shit needed to get sorted, they needed to talk and hash all this shit out even if he couldn’t bear to have his feelings put out there again, especially saying them to the person who had made him feel things in the first place, only to throw it all in his face. He didn’t want to relive all the pain of his past, of their past. He had spent the last 9 years getting over it by himself.   
  
The thing is though, he knew he needed to do this to be able to move on, and they both deserved to have the truth out there and their explanations heard. He needed to do it now, tonight, before he backed out. He wasn’t even sure if Ian had left the bar yet, or if he was sober enough to talk, or if he even _wanted_ to after the way Mickey had acted lately, especially after tonight. But his plan was to come here and wait. Sleep on the couch if he had to. He needed to do this. He needed the closure. But why was he still standing at the door unable to knock?  
  
_Milkovich’s didn’t back down_   
  
_Milkovich’s aren’t pussy bitches_   
  
MICKEY MILKOVICH HAD BALLS AND COULD DO THIS   
__  
It’s just a fucking door god damn it, knock on it you pussy little bitch!!  
  
BANG…BANG…BANG   
  
His little self-pep talk had him banging on the door a little too harshly than he had wanted.  
  
“Jesus fucking Christ Mickey” Mandy opened the door with a baseball bat in her hand, bed hair and no pants on.  
  
“I was fucking sleeping douchebag! Fucking banging on my door like a fucking crazy bastard! Scared the living shit out of me! Lucky I saw you in the peep hole or I was gonna come out swinging!”  
  
She huffed out in annoyance, then she took a good look at his face and started to worry  
  
“What’s up with you anyways? Get the fuck in ‘ere.”   
  
She pulled him by his jacket sleeve into the apartment, once he passed the scary threshold he pushed past her and made his way to the couch and flopped down. His knee was bouncing like crazy and he was biting his lip hard and rubbing on his knuckle tattoo’s. Mandy stood in front of him and put her hand on her hip and pointed the bat in his face, narrowing her eyes in curiosity at the sight of him.   
  
“You on crack or something? You look like you’re strung out as fuck Mickey, what the fuck is going on?”   
  
Mickey pushed the bat out of his face and braced his hands on his knees to try and keep his legs still. He chewed the bottom of his lip ferociously before finally taking the plunge and asking the question that he so desperately needed an answer for  
  
“Nahhh… I’m good, just… Is Gallagher here?”  
  
Mandy put the bat down, still eyeing her brother wearily before answering  
  
“Nope. You need to chill out. Look, you wanna beer or something? You look like you need one”   
  
She went to make her way into the kitchen but Mickey answered her before she made it to the fridge.  
  
“Nope. Need to stay sober… or get sober, Fuck, I need to talk to Ian. Can I wait here until he gets back? I really need to talk to him”   
  
That made her stop in her tracks and turn back to look at her anxious brother  
  
“Uhhh.. Yeah…Sure? You actually want to talk to him? Is this like, THE talk?”   
  
She sat down next to him on the couch, crossing her arms in anticipation. The way she was looking at him was freaking him out   
  
“The fuck you mean THE talk?”  
  
“Like, talking about all your bullshit, the break up and all that, you know… THE talk”   
  
She had her knees pulled up to her chest and her chin resting on her knees as she continued to eye him up making him squirm in the seat.   
  
“yeah…” Was all he could muster up in response to her question. It was definitely going to be THE talk, if Ian was still willing to do it.  
  
“Shit” Her eyes widened as she replied.  
  
“Yup” Mickey averted his eyes to avoid looking at her anymore, his knees began bouncing again, his nerves now back in full swing.   
  
“Fuck” She let it come out in a long sigh and somehow her eyes got even bigger   
  
“Can you calm your tits, I’m freaking out enough as it fucking is Mandy, you’re making me more fucking nervous”  
  
“Sorry, it’s just…Shit… this is gonna be fucking epic”  
  
“Fuck Mandy!! I told you you’re making this fucking worse. Fuck. I should just…”   
  
He stopped bouncing his knees and made a move to get up off the couch to leave. He couldn’t do this, this was too fucking scary. Before he could make a move past Mandy she grabbed his wrist in an extremely firm grip and pulled him backwards into the couch.  
  
“No you don’t.. Nup.. Not happening Mickey. You’re doing this; you’re not backing out of this Mickey. You need to do this for yourself and for him. It’s a good thing. You’re doing the right thing here.”  
  
He looked into her eyes and saw how much she meant those words. He did need to do this and it was the right thing no matter how fucking scary it was. Before he could say anything to her they we’re both interrupted by the sound of the front door opening and a tall lanky redhead walking into the apartment.  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
When Ian stepped into the apartment he was not expecting to see his ex-boyfriend standing in his living room.  
  
Mandy smiled at him and nudged Mickey, but no body said anything for a few minutes until Mandy cleared her throat and pulled them out of their silent stand off.  
  
“Ummm… I’m just gonna go back to bed and leave you guys to it. Night losers”   
  
Mandy walked out of the room and left Ian and Mickey still staring at each other. Ian walked into the kitchen and grabbed himself a drink of water and took his nightly meds. The walk home had tired him out and the shock of seeing Mickey here after their fight had him fuelled now with nervous energy. His body was fighting with him with the want to go to sleep and then another part telling him to stay awake and find out what the hell Mickey was doing here. He turned around to find Mickey standing behind him leaning on the counter, nervously strumming his fingers along the bench. The tap-tap-tap rhythm being the only noise filling the silence in the apartment. They stood their awkwardly glancing at each other for a while, Mickey finally broke the quiet.   
  
“I think we should talk, I mean… If you want to”   
  
Ian couldn’t help but laugh at that, after all the pushing he had been doing to get Mickey to talk to him he was finally ready and Ian wasn’t. He was exhausted and angry.   
  
“Now you wanna talk?” Ian snapped at him.  
  
Mickey was still drumming his fingers on the counter. He sighed loudly and stared directly into Ian’s eyes as he began talking  
  
“Well… Yeah. I think we kind of need to. I’ve been trying to avoid doing it, not talk about what happened with us back then, but it clearly isn’t fucking working. It’s fucking with my head and tonight was fucked up man, and that’s on me. I turned into an asshole, but I think that it might be because, well, since you’ve been back in my life and shit, I’ve been so messed up in the head about you, about us and… Yeah, tonight shouldn’t have gone down like that. I’m really fucking sorry for being an absolute dick to you tonight”   
  
Ian’s mouth dropped open in shock of hearing Mickey apologise. He finally pulled himself together to answer.  
  
“Ahh… Yeah you were a dick, but I kind of get it. I do. It’s fine.”  
  
“No it’s fucking not fine. I’m not that person anymore, the guy who hooks up with someone and then beats on him. I don’t want to be that guy again; I don’t want _you_ to think I’m that kind of guy anymore. I’m not Ian, I’ve changed.”  
  
Ian could see the hurt all over Mickey’s face at the thought of him being that guy again. His heart sank knowing how this whole situation they were in was causing the other man to doubt himself, hate himself even. He reached out his hand and placed it over Mickey’s that was still strumming on the counter.   
  
“I know you have, You don’t have to prove that to me. I can see it. I just meant that I understand how confusing this thing between us is. I know you’re a good person Mick. _I’m_ the one that fucked up. I always seem to fuck things up with you. Look, if you really want to talk about this, let’s talk about it.”   
  
Mickey just nodded in response and made his way over to the lounge room and took a seat. Ian followed him, nervous energy thrumming through his body. His hands were shaking and his mouth was dry already. He had imagined having this conversation for years, and now that it was actually happening, he was shitting himself. He took a seat on the other side of Mickey and waited for the other man to start.   
  
“Why?” was all that Mickey said.  
  
Ian looked at him completely confused at the question, Mickey looked down at his hands as he tried to elaborate.  
  
“I just don’t get why you ended it with me. What did I do wrong? I was really trying to do right by you, ya know? And it wasn’t enough. I thought I was finally giving you what you had wanted from me for years, but it wasn’t enough was it?”   
  
Ian shook his head as Mickey was talking. How could he think this was his fault? That he wasn't enough? Ian placed his elbows on his knees and leant closer to Mickey.  
  
“It was, Mickey, it was _more_ than enough. Fuck, I was just so messed up at the time. You _know_ that. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t feel like myself. I was so lost and messed up and… I fucked up. I really fucked up with us Mickey. And I wish I could take it all back, I wish I had some magical words that I could say to you to fix what I did to you, to us, but I don’t. I fucked up and I’m sorry. I know it sounds so fucking cliché, but it wasn’t you it was me!! You were perfect and I fucked it up.”   
  
Ian could feel the tears pooling in his eyes, the lump forming in his throat. He was trying to hold back from crying as he stared at Mickey. Mickey stared back not speaking for a while. When he finally broke the silence his voice was shakey like he too was trying not to succumb to his emotions.   
  
“You’re right, it doesn’t fix anything and I still don’t get it. Fuck Ian, you really hurt me”   
  
Ian finally let his tears fall from his eyes at hearing Mickey. He knew that he had hurt him, but to hear the words come from his Ex’s mouth, made it so much more real.   
  
“I know I did. I’m an asshole and I don’t expect you to forgive me. I don’t forgive myself for what I did to you. It took me so long to realise, the moment I did, _god_ , when I realised what I had done, what I had lost… I was a mess for _months_. I had been slowly sorting my life out over the first few years after we broke up, I… I started taking my meds properly, I met someone, got a really good job. I was finally coming to terms with who I now was, my new life as the new me. I was ok with being bi polar and I had realised that I could still make something of myself even though I fucked up my dreams of being in the Army. Everything was finally working out for me for once in my god damn life Mick!!... but I still felt like there was something missing, and then one day I just… I don’t know, it all just hit me. _You_ were missing. I still wanted you, I still needed you. And then I tried to see you and you wouldn’t let me. I was a mess for months after that, took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I had lost you once and for all, after everything we had been through, it was finally over. I guess I’m trying to tell you that, I hurt me too when I hurt you”   
  
The whole time Ian was speaking he was watching Mickey’s face, trying to show him how sorry he was. He didn’t want to fully fess up to the fact that he had realised that he still wasn’t over Mickey, that he still wanted him after all these years. For now all he wanted was for Mickey to realise that he was sorry, that he was hurting too and that he wanted to make things right. He watched as Mickey’s face contorted into a sneer, Ian leant back as Mickey stood up and towered over Ian.  
  
“So you’re trying to make my pain your fucking pain, like it's equal or somethin'? Is this a competition over who hurts more? Coz I fucking think I trump you on who you fucked up more! So, you were upset for a few months Ian, big fucking whoop... try fucking years, in a prison with no family and no friends to help you through it!!! I had nothing, I was completely heart broken and devastated for three years after we broke up!! I was an absolute mess.”  
  
Ian just nodded at him, the tears were still falling but they weren’t silent any more as Ian let out a few small sobs trying his hardest not to cry too hard. Mickey’s face softened a little and he took a step back from Ian and sat on the couch again. He placed his hands over his face and shook his head. Ian just sat back and waited, unable to speak. He didn’t know what else he could say to fix this, or even if this was fixable.  
  
The truth is that Ian had realised, after the break up, that he had always and would aways need Mickey, it wasn’t until this very moment that he realised that Mickey had actually needed him just as much. It was breaking him apart to see just how much Mickey really had loved him, and knowing that he had thrown it all away was completely shattering.   
  
Ian was trying to figure out what to say to that, but Mickey started talking again.

“I explained already why I took your name of the list. I couldn’t do that to myself anymore. I decided after three years in there torturing myself that I would sort my shit out and get on with my life. I slowly sorted myself out whilst I was in there, spent most of my time writing to Yev and making sure I had a place in his life when I got out. He was all that mattered; he was all I had left.”   
  
Ian wanted to scream, _you still had me, you always did and always will_ , but he knew that it would just anger Mickey more. He knew that, truthfully, through the years after the break up Ian hadn’t been there for Mickey, he hadn’t been there for his family either. He had been so wrapped up in sorting his life out and trying to prove to everyone that he was ok, that he could take care of himself and didn’t need anyone. He hadn’t considered or cared at the time what anybody else was going through or feeling.  
  
“You had Mandy” Ian finally said once he had regained his composure and began wiping away the tears from his face.  
  
“She had her own shit going on Ian, I should have tried harder to keep in contact with her but… I sucked at being her brother back then. Too wrapped up in my own shit but now that she’s here, I want to make up for that. I want to be there for her this time. Honestly man, if I could walk the fuck away from you right now I would, but I’m here because of her which means I can't walk away from you. It would be so much easier to just keep going on with my life without you in it, but I can’t do that because now that I have Mandy back, I don’t want to let her go. I’m not telling you to leave or anything, I’m not suggesting the stupid fake friends thing again, because that clearly went so fucking well for us. I’m just being honest with you, I wanna walk away, fuck, I want to _run_ away from this situation with you. It does my head in the way you still affect me.”   
  
It really hurt Ian to hear Mickey say that, to know that Mickey wanted nothing to do with him but had a loyalty to Mandy to fix this situation. It hurt, but he knew he deserved it. He understood him even.  
  
“I know what you mean. It’s so much easier just to run away from your problems than dealing with them. Remember how many times I ran from dealing with being bi polar… or the time I ran to the army to get away from you? We’re in the same boat Mickey, I don’t want to leave here. As fucked up as this situation is, I… I can’t keep running anymore. I wanted to start over in New York, and I know you’re going to laugh at me or punch me but, I feel like I’m getting my chance to sort shit out with you finally. Whether this moves on to a friendship or It’s just us accepting what happened back then and finding out what will or won’t happen now…. I think we were supposed to sort this out”  
  
He had been fumbling with his hands as he spoke and once he finished he glanced over at Mickey when he snorted loudly   
  
“If you start sprouting some bullshit about it being ‘written in the stars’ or some other corny crap I _will_ punch you in the face”   
  
They both looked at each other and laughed. Once they stopped Ian looked up at his Ex  
  
“Where do we go from here?” Ian said  
  
“I dunno man. There’s obvious attraction between us still, we keep, you know… Doing stuff. I don’t know what I want. I just want us to be ok. I want to live my life again; I don’t want to be an asshole to you like I was tonight. What do you want?”   
  
Ian nodded in agreement, he wanted that too. He wanted more even.  
  
“I just want us to be able to be in the same room without shit getting awkward or us fighting. I just want you to be happy and not hate me too much” He smirked at Mickey  
  
“I want that too. I can’t help but still be mad at you though, I’m sorry. I’ve tried to get over it, maybe now that we’ve talked and shit, maybe things will get better. Fucked if i know, but i promise i'll fucking try not to be such a prick. ” Mickey shrugged and Ian nodded at him. He ran his hands through his hair, he was so tired and his emotions were all over the place. He was angry at himself for letting things get like this, he was close to tears again knowing that Mickey might not ever be able to fully forgive him for what he did.  
  
“I get why you’re angry Mickey. I just want you to know that I really am sorry for being such an asshole back then. I'm really, _really_ fucking sorry”  
  
“Yeah, I can see that, still doesn’t fix it, but I can tell you’re sorry.”   
  
They both sat there in silence, only glancing at each other once in a while. Ian yawned and made to get up.  
  
“Sooo, it’s pretty late, you just want to crash here?” he said from the doorway smiling at his Ex, Mickey’s head shot up with a look of horror written all over his face.   
  
“I’m not fucking you”   
  
“ Woah, Calm down! I didn’t mean it like that. You can sleep on the couch, it folds out.” Ian said as he made a move to get the spare blankets   
  
“Oh… yeah. That’d be cool. Sorry for snapping, I’m just real fucking tired man, makes me grumpy”  
  
“yeah I know, I remember.”  
  
They both began silently making the couch into a bed, and Ian even gave him a t shirt to sleep in and a pair of sweats.  
  
“So, I guess I’ll see you in the morning then?” Ian said once the bed was made  
  
“Ahh, yeah. Night Gallagher”   
  
“Night Mick”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Updating as often as I can
> 
> Kudos and Comments have been so amazing so thank you to everyone that has been sweet enough to encourage me!!
> 
> Short but sweet today, i'm super tired. Hope this is ok and i didn't make too many mistakes xo

Mickey woke up the next morning slightly disoriented about where the fuck he was. Until his sister's voice drifted out from the other room.  
He sat up and stretched out feeling his muscles loosen and hearing his bones crack. He rubbed his eyes blearily and was about to stand up when he smelt a strong waft of coffee hit him, he could feel the warmth on his face. He opened his eyes to a steaming hot mug directly in front of him, he looked past the mug to the waistband of a pair of lowly hung sweats and a topless, chiselled chest and didn’t even bother dragging his eyes any further.   
  
Ian had brought him coffee.  
  
He grabbed the mug and took a small sip. “Cheers” He finally mumbled out, he looked up at Ian’s smiling face and felt those stupid fucking butterflies in his stomach at the sight of him.   
  
He coughed and looked back down at his mug. He wanted to play this as cool as he could. He finally got shit off his chest last night and he wanted to get them to a good place, he didn’t want to feel anything but friendship for Ian, but he still wanted the asshole.  
  
God, he was still so fucked over this guy even after everything he had been put through, even after all of these years.  
  
“You’re welcome. Sleep alright?”   
  
_Would’ve slept better with you…_ Jesus, his brain was a bitch, a needy little bitch for Gallagher’s devil dick. He took a mouthful of coffee before speaking again.   
  
“Like a fucking baby”   
  
He tried to play it off cool and do the friendly thing. He could do it. he wanted to do it. He missed having Ian in his life and if he could just get past the sexual attraction, he could actually be friends with Ian.   
  
He grabbed his clothes off the floor, hoping Ian would get the hint to leave so he could get dressed but the fucker just leant against the door frame still smiling from ear to ear.   
  
“You got plans today?” Ian asked, his eyes drifting over Mickey's body. Which didn't go unnoticed.  
  
 _Oh shit…_ Mickey was definitely not ready to hang out with Ian today. He honestly did want to move past all their bullshit, but today was just too soon. He turned his back to Ian and decided to get dressed any way, he’d seen the goods plenty of times before, so he picked up his jeans and pulled the borrowed sweats off as he got redressed and answered Ian.  
  
“Ahh, yeah I do actually, Yev and I are hanging out this weekend, taking him to the movies with a few of his buddies later and then they’re staying over at ours for the night. Apparently I’m stuck chaperoning the little fuckers. A if people trust me with their kids man, idiots”  
  
He turned around after he was dressed hoping that what he said would be enough to get Ian to leave him alone for the day, so he could actually think properly about what the fuck he was going to do to make this thing between them not awkward and full of weird feelings. He needed to sort his fucking head out and he couldn’t do it with Ian fucking hovering over him.   
  
“I’ve got the day off, I’m probably just gonna’ chill at home or something. Movies sounds pretty cool thhough, I don’t really have anything planned ya know?”   
  
Yeah, the fucker wasn’t subtle at all, and he was still blocking the doorway so Mickey couldn’t get past him. He knew Ian and the way he was fidgeting from foot to foot, the way he scratched at the back of his neck and avoided eye contact with Mickey. He was nervous and hinting for an invite… _well, he wasn’t fucking getting one_.  
  
“Cool. Sounds like fun being a lazy bum at home. Well, thanks for the coffee. I really should be heading off.”   
  
Mickey decided if Ian wasn’t going to move, Mickey would just budge past him. He pushed past Ian causing him to bump into the wall, almost losing his balance. He quickly regained his footing and began following Mickey through the apartment towards the front door.  
  
“Oh, I mean, Yeah, of course, any time…. I Uhhh… Thanks for last night, the talk ya know. I’m glad we’re good. We are… we’re good right?”   
  
Mickey stopped to look at Ian and sighed. He was always a sucker for Ian’s kicked puppy expression and today it was at full blast. His ex was trying and he did want to try too, so he let out another breath, looked Ian in the eyes and smiled at him   
  
“Yeah, we’re… Ian, we're good.”   
  
Before Ian could say anything else (and Mickey knew that fucker couldn’t keep his blabbering mouth shut, fucking ever) Mandy piped up as they were standing near the kitchen that she was currently in eating her cereal, with milk dribbling down her chin.  
  
_Bitch was still classy as always._   
  
And just to prove her classiness to the two boys staring at her, she began talking to her brother with her mouth full of cereal. Lucky charms flying out of her mouth as she spoke, all over the kitchen floor and counter.  
  
“Later Doucheburger! I’ll see you tomorrow with Yev right? At the park?” She smiled at both of the boys as she continued to eat her breakfast.  
  
“Yeah, why the fuck you gotta ask _every_ fucking weekend? We _always_ fucking go, the day we don’t go Yev will probably shit a brick! We’ll be there, same fucking time, same fucking place.”   
  
Mickey rubbed at his face in frustration, he wanted to just get out of here. Ian was standing next to him, clearly waiting for the two siblings to finish talking so he could continue to bug Mickey.   
  
“Fucking fine. Jesus. I’ll see your Ass-Holliness tomorrow then.” She said as she flipped him off and dumped her empty cereal bowl in the sink.   
  
As Mickey began walking to the door, Ian was still behind him, before he could turn the handle and make his escape Ian blocked the door by leaning on it so Mickey couldn’t open it.

  
“Gallagher, the fuck are you doing? You holding me fucking prisoner or somethin’?”   
  
“I just want to know if we could… Sometime, get food, to eat. Or drink stuff, maybe we could just drink stuff together? Like at a place, together?”   
  
Ian’s face was bright red and after his jumbled words came out he scrunched his face up, probably embarrassment at his own awkwardness. Mickey couldn’t help but chuckle at his goofiness, and find it completely adorable.  
  
“Wow, got a real way with words there Firecrotch. I think we should probably steer away from you, me and alcohol for a while though. Look, come tomorrow and hang out at the park with us or something? Group thing would be chill, if you can actually _be_ chill?”  
  
“Yeah, I can totally be chill… So… You, me, Mandy and Yev. Ok. I can do that. If that’s what you want?”  
  
Mickey nodded and both of them stood there staring at each other for a while. Mickey raised his eyebrows and pointed to the door Ian was leaning on, giving him a look that he hoped said “ _move the fuck out of the way asshole_ ”  
  
Ian stared a little longer and then realisation must have hit him that he was blocking the door. He shook his head, face turning bright red and finally moved out the way. Mickey laughed as he walked out the door. Ian was such a weirdo, but he was a really fucking cute weirdo.   
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Once Mickey walked out of the front door, Ian closed it, locked it and then proceeded to bang his head against it repeatedly.  
  
“Careful, you might lose the few remaining brain cells you have left”   
  
Ian looked over at Mandy who was standing in the hallway smirking at him. He ran his hands through his hair, leant back on the door crossing his arms and pouted at her.   
  
“ I just made a complete fucking dick of myself, _again_ , in front of your brother”   
  
She walked over to him laughing, smacking him lightly on the shoulder  
  
“Oh, the nostalgia! Brings me back to our teenage years”   
  
Ian couldn’t help but chuckle at her; she always managed to lighten the mood. Through everything he had been through, he could always guarantee that Mandy would be there for him. Whether his pills weren’t working and he was bordering on bat shit crazy or when he was down and needed a pick me up, she would always be there.   
Best friends always, the two of them. This was the one and only consistent thing in his life that he could always rely on.  
  
“Fuck off Mandy” He joked back with her as they made their way into the kitchen again so Ian could eat breakfast and Mandy could interrogate him. Because he just fucking _knew_ she would.  
  
“So, what happened with you two last night? Have a big talk? Sort your stuff out?”  
  
She passed him the bread as she spoke, knowing his morning routine so well, pulling out the butter for him and pouring him a glass of Orange juice. Ian smiled at her as a silent thankyou before he let out a deep sigh before answering her questions.   
  
“I dunno, I guess. We cleared the air a little. I’m still confused about where we go from here. He said he wants to give the friends thing ago?”   
  
Mandy scrunched her face up in confusion   
  
“Seriously? I thought that was what you _were_ already doing?”   
  
Ian waited for the toaster to pop, buttering the slices once they were out. Mandy waited patiently (an unusual trait for her)   
  
“Yeah, but it wasn’t real, we really needed to talk about all our shit before we could move past it and really be friends. He didn’t want to do that but last night we kind of hooked up at the bar and then we ended up in a huge argument. He’s still been carrying around all these pent up emotions about how we, no, how _I_ ended things. I honestly think he’s still pretty mad even after the talk but hopefully now he’s got most of it off his chest we can move on to… something.”   
  
Mandy nodded away and watched as Ian ate his toast, he looked over at her and could tell she was studying him, she had this way of looking at him and just knowing how he was feeling, what he was thinking. It was kind of unnerving and really fucking creepy.  
  
“You want to be more than friends though? Do you think you’ll hook up again now that that he’s got all his anger out?”   
  
Ian ate the rest of his breakfast, took his pills, the whole time thinking if that was what he really wanted, if that was even possible to have with the way Mickey was now.   
  
“I don’t know, I don’t think that’s really on the cards for him anyways. We have sexual history, we’re obviously still hot for each other, but I can tell he really doesn’t want to do anything with me anymore. We do shit and I can _literally_ see the disgust in himself for being weak and hooking up with me, it’s so painful to see, knowing that being with me makes him hate himself. I’ll just keep pushing for friends and I guess I’ll just see where it goes from there. I broke his heart Mandy, and Mickey doesn’t forgive easily”   
  
Ian could feel tears pooling at his eyes, he held them back, pushing the heels of his palm into his eyes to fight the rush of tears that threatened to fall. He felt Mandy’s hands around his wrists, pulling them away from his face. She leant up and kissed him on the cheek and then pulled him in for a hug.   
  
“I know, I guess it’s good that he’s trying at least, give him time and a little bit of space. Just don’t be your usual pushy self; Mickey’s like a scared and angry dog, you can’t corner him or he’ll lash out at you or runaway. He'll bite you in your cute little toosh, and not the way you like"  
  
She winked at him but didn't get the reaction she wanted. Ian still stood there, eye's brimming with tears. she sighed and kept talking  
  
"He invited you to come hang tomorrow, that’s a good start, right?”  
  
Ian just nodded at her. He knew he needed to let Mickey call the shots; he would just have to do things his way for a change.  
  
Ian kind of felt like he was reverting back to the way it was when he and Mickey first got together, Mickey choosing when and where they would see each other, setting the limits for what Ian was and wasn’t allowed to do. The only difference was that this time there was no sex involved. They’d never actually been friends before, they started with the fucking and then it progressed.   
  
Could they even have a relationship without sex?  
  
  



	13. Chapter 13

The boys had managed to form some sort of a friendship over the next few months, it was still pretty awkward. Ian would try and hang out with Mickey, one on one, but Mickey would always turn it into a group hang. He would hang with Mickey, Yev and Mandy at the park and Ian was now invited to the family dinners on Sunday night. During the week nights, if they caught up at all, it would be with Mandy or people they worked with. Every time they we’re together, both boys would always be sober. Mickey didn’t trust himself to not act on his sexual feelings for Ian, and Ian was the same, he didn’t want to jump the gun and freak Mickey out and scare him off.   
  
They slowly began to act more naturally in front of each other and Ian didn’t want to push Mickey too much, but he really wanted to know if there was a chance that they could maybe take things further. It was a Wednesday night and Mickey had dropped round to see Mandy and Ian, Mandy was cooking them dinner and the boys were in the living room watching T.V. Ian kept glancing over at Mickey, he wanted to try and see how Mickey was feeling about them, if there was any chance of being more than friends. Ian didn’t want to just blurt it out so he thought he might just gauge the situation by bringing things up in conversation, to see how Mickey reacted.   
  
“So, you got plans for the weekend?” Ian asked as he played with the couch cushion, picking at the frayed edge, he was nervous about his plan of action.   
  
Mickey continued to watch the T.V, taking another sip of his beer before replying.   
  
“Yeah, heading out Friday night to a bar.”   
  
_Maybe I could invite myself for drinks, maybe see if things get heated again_ , Ian thought to himself.  
  
“Oh… The Dive Bar?” Ian questioned Mickey, Mickey looked away, a red tinge of embarrassment flushing his cheeks, this reaction got Ian’s interest.  
  
“Nah, it’s a… it’s a fucking gay bar” Mickey answered, still avoiding eye contact with Ian.   
  
Ian knew that Mickey was more relaxed about being in gay clubs and bars, and the fact that he was clearly embarrassed was confusing to him, _unless… Mickey had a date?_ Maybe he was planning on going to hook up with a random guy? Ian felt a pang of jealousy at the possibility of Mickey being with someone else. He knew that Simon was out of the picture now, but he didn’t know if there was a new guy. They didn’t really talk about that kind of thing.  
  
_Has Mickey been seeing someone?_ It wouldn’t be a weird thing. He was clearly extremely attractive and comfortable now with his sexuality. Plus, it’s not like anything sexual was happening between the two of them. They were just friends now.  
  
“That sounds cool. I actually have a date this weekend” Ian blurted out.  
  
_Ummmm, why the fuck did he just say that?_ He doesn’t have a date. He hasn’t hooked up with anybody in months, not since he saw Mickey again. He just didn’t want anybody, well, anybody that wasn’t Mickey. That first kiss made him realise that he wasn’t over his ex-boyfriend, and all this time they have spent together hanging out has just proved to him that he probably never would be. Nobody made him feel the way Mickey did, the constant butterflies whenever Mickey looked at him a certain way, the heat that took over his body at any slight touch even after all these years he still craved the blue eyed man.   
  
He looked over at Mickey for his reaction to Ian’s ‘date’, Mickey barely looked up from the T.V, however Ian thought he saw Mickey slightly tense up when he said he had a date… at least he thinks he did…   
  
“Cool… Hey Mands!! How long til dinner’s ready, I’m fucking starving!!” Mickey yelled out in the direction of the Kitchen where Mandy was.   
  
“Dishing up now you impatient jackass!”   
  
Mickey shot up off of the lounge and made his way towards the kitchen table. Ian sat still for a moment, he ran his hands over his face. Well, he had already made up a fake date, he might as well play it up to see if he can actually get a proper reaction out of Mickey, maybe find out if Mickey was going on a date too.   
  
Ian sighed loudly before pulling himself up out of his seat and making his way to the table. Mandy and Mickey were already seated, Mandy looked up and smiled pointing her fork towards a plate she had dished up and placed in front of an empty seat obviously for Ian. He smiled back at her and sat down and began eating.   
  
“So what night’s your thing on?” Mickey said, breaking the silence. Ian cleared his throat.  
  
“My thing?... You mean my date?” he questioned, Mickey just nodded, face expressionless. He just looked… Interested.   
  
Ian tried to fight the drop in his stomach at the thought that Mickey didn’t care if he was dating other guys. Before he could make up a fake day for his fake date Mandy stabbed him in the arm with her fork.   
  
“You have a date?”  
  
“Uhh, yeah” Ian answered rubbing his arm and inspecting it to make sure she hadn’t broken skin, bitch was dangerous sometimes.   
  
“Who the fuck with?” Mandy’s tone was somewhat angry. He just looked at her, he was not prepared for Mandy’s 20 question routine about his fake date.   
  
“Just some guy Mandy… and my date’s Friday night” He answered them both taking an extra-long look at Mickey, Mickey just nodded and took another mouthful of his dinner keeping his eyes on his plate. Ian scrunched his face up, he was hoping to see…something, in Mickey’s face, but it was blank.  
  
“Just some guy? Who Ian? You used to always tell me this shit… why the hell am I out of the loop all of sudden? Give a girl some juicy details here!” Mandy’s voice broke Ian out of his staring contest with Mickey’s forehead (Mickey hadn’t looked up once from his plate of food). He purposely took another mouthful of food to give his brain time to come up with some details to placate her.   
  
“I only agreed to it today, and it’s a blind date… I’ll fill you in on all the details Friday night… or if I get lucky you might have to wait until Saturday, Or if I get really, _really_ lucky, Sunday” He smirked and winked at her, she poked him again with her fork and laughed loudly at him.  
  
Ian, again, diverted his attention back to Mickey. Mickey was now looking at him and Ian couldn’t help but notice the somewhat shocked expression on his face. Now that he had gotten a slight reaction, Ian pushed on to try and get more out of him. Ian was always one to push his limits with Mickey and before he could stop himself, his next word vomit just tumbled out of his mouth.   
  
“We’re going to this really nice restaurant for dinner first, then to a bar or a club for drinks and maybe dancing if things go well. Oh my god! I have a great Idea! I should meet up with you at the bar you’re going to afterwards!” Things got awkwardly silent then, nobody was eating, current mouthfuls of food that were mid chew or swallow completely stuck in his dinner companion’s mouths, two sets of blue eyes looked at him in complete bewilderment. Ian almost wanted to check his shoulder to make sure another head hadn’t miraculously started growing there or something. Finally, Mickey swallowed his mouthful and began talking.   
  
“Probably not a good fucking move to bring your date to meet up with your ex-boyfriend. I don’t know a lot about relationships and shit, but even I know that’s a fucking dick move Gallagher”  
  
“Yeah but, we’re friends now.” Ian replied and shrugged his shoulder’s trying to make the gesture seem like Mickey meeting Ian’s date was no big deal.  
  
“Yeah, but we’re friends who used to be _more_. It’s a big difference than just being fucking friends man” Mickey said   
  
“You don’t want to meet my date?” Ian asked, hoping that Mickey would tell him that he _didn’t_ want to meet his date, that _he_ wanted to be Ian’s date. But all Mickey did was shrug his shoulders, eat another mouthful of food and then reply calmly   
  
“I don’t really give a fuck, just think it would be awkward for your date”   
  
“But, would it be awkward for you?” Ian questioned, still pushing for a reaction from Mickey. He was sorely disappointed when all Mickey did was shrug and resume eating. Ian sighed and glanced over at Mandy who was staring at him seemingly still in shock that Ian wanted Mickey to meet his date. Ian continued eating, unsure on what to say next. He wanted to back pedal and take back his fake date, maybe instead just ask Mickey to go on a _real_ fucking date with him. God, his brain was not thinking straight lately, why the hell did he just lie to manipulate Mickey into reacting to his fake date? He knew he was just setting himself up for humiliation if it came to light that he had made all this up to get Mickey’s attention, or worse, Mickey would be pissed at him for lying and playing games.  
  
Before Ian made up his mind whether or not to fess up, Mickey was grabbing his empty plate and making a move to dump it in the kitchen sink.   
  
“Thanks for dinner Mandy, I gotta go. Early shift tomorrow and I’m tired”   
  
Mickey then made his way to the living room to grab his jacket, Mandy scowled at him as he passed them at the table.   
  
“You not gonna stay for pie?” She asked. Mickey never skipped desert, he always stayed, especially for pie, so Ian _knew_ that the conversation had definitely rattled his ex-boyfriend, he looked up just in time to see Mickey quickly avert his eyes away from Ian.  
  
“Chuck me some in a Tupperware container or something, I really can’t stay”   
  
Mandy sighed and made her way to the kitchen to get Mickey’s desert. Ian quickly jumped on the opportunity to talk to Mickey again. He was going to tell him the truth, but somehow the next words that came out of his mouth were not an admission of the lie he had been telling.  
  
“So, do you want to meet up Friday?” Ian found himself asking, Mickey scrunched his face up in disgust at the idea.   
  
“What? I already said it wasn’t a good idea Ian. Why don’t you wait and see if things work out with this guy before you make him meet your Ex.”   
  
“Fine. Guess I’ll just see you on the weekend for family dinner then.”  
  
Mandy walked out and handed Mickey his pie to take home and gave him a quick hug.  
  
“Thanks Mands, I’ll seeya later… Uhhh, have fun on your date Gallagher. Good luck” Mickey said as he made his way out of the apartment.  
  
Ian slumped down in his chair and pushed his plate across the table, he crossed his arms across his chest and sulked like a baby.   
  
“Thanks” he mumbled to himself, even though Mickey was long gone. God, why did he act like such a child sometimes, no wonder Mickey wanted nothing to do with him.  
  
“So… this date?” Ian had totally forgotten that Mandy was still standing near him until her voice broke him out of his one man pity party. He stood up and took his plate into the kitchen and then made to walk past her, he quickly shot her a reply to hopefully get her to stop asking questions, at least for tonight.   
  
“I’m sorry Mandy, I’m really tired, gonna head to bed I’ll see you in the morning, we can talk then”   
  
The thing was, he really was tired. He’d been feeling weird for the last week. He was stressed out; his brain had been working on overdrive lately, constantly thinking about Mickey and ways to get him back into his life where Ian felt he belonged. He knew he was acting a little strange and he was a little scared what this might mean for his health. He resigned to make an appointment with his specialist to have a chat and make sure he was ok. The longer he lay in bed the more he thought about the stupid fake date he made up. He knew it was completely irrational to have made it up and he felt completely freaked out about the lie. Was he manic again? Was he heading for a depressive spiral? He grabbed his phone and set a reminder for the morning to call his therapist first thing.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been forever I know. My step dad passed away and I have really been struggling with life the last few months.
> 
> Hope it's not too bad of a chapter and that you're all still keen to keep reading 
> 
> I'll try and keep up with posting this fic as often as I can, please bare with me xo

He makes it out of the apartment and down to the parking garage and once he is in his car he slams his head into the steering wheel in frustration, once, twice, three times and then leaves it to rest there, hands clenching on the steering wheel near his head and he lets out a shaky breath.  
  
_What the fuck. What the ever living fuck. Ian has a date!_   
  
Mickey is pissed, jealous as all fuck and he hates it. He doesn’t want to feel this way about Ian anymore. Things have been good between the two of them. They’ve been getting along better now since they hashed it all out. There’s still sexual tension at times and Mickey is still a ball of mixed emotions about the guy, but they’ve been getting along and things have been ok.   
  
Until dinner tonight.  
  
The moment Ian mentioned that he had a date Mickey froze up. He’s not stupid and he knows that Ian is the type of guy that loves to be loved, needs to be with someone to feel complete. He just wasn’t expecting to hear about it, or to feel so fucking jealous after all this time at the thought of Ian being with someone. He’s not stupid, he knows that Ian has obviously been dating since they’ve broken up, heard about it over the years from Mandy and Svetlana. But it feels so much worse hearing about it from Ian’s own mouth, knowing that Mickey is going to have to see it now that they are back in each other’s lives and he just isn’t ready for it.  
  
Ian’s been in New York for a fair few months now and hasn’t mentioned being with anyone, dating anyone and honestly, Mickey had thought about the possibility of Ian probably going out and hooking up with people, Ian being Ian and all, but to finally have verbal confirmation is fucking crushing him.   
  
He hates all these conflicting emotions. He hates that he wants to be with him and still at the same time, doesn’t want to.  
  
Since they’ve been hanging out again, Mickey has been hooking up with random one night stands. And he’d be lying if he said that he hadn’t wondered if Ian was doing the same. But now he _knows_ , Ian’s fucking dating… That’s even worse than random fucks. Dating has the potential to lead to _more_ , lead to a fucking _relationship_. Fuck. He can barely handle being friends with Ian now, how the hell is he going to do it if Ian has a fucking boyfriend?  
  
_Jesus Mickey, get a fucking hold of yourself man.  
  
_ He has no right to be angry at Ian about this, they aren’t together anymore and Ian isn’t doing anything wrong. This is normal and he needs to accept this and move the fuck on and be a fucking _man_ about this shit. It’s not like they are seeing each other, they haven’t done anything since that night at the dive bar a couple of months ago and they have both agreed to be friends. _Just friends_. So of course Ian is dating and would casually tell Mickey. Friends tell friends when they have dates, right? And Mickey has plans on Friday night to catch up with a guy he hooked up with the other week, so technically Mickey is kind of going on a date too, so he most definitely has absolutely no right to be a jealous asshole about this.  
  
He’s surprised that he managed to keep his cool at the dinner table when Ian had gone on about his date, he reigned in the jealousy and got the fuck out of there as quickly as he could. The thing that hurt the most was how Ian didn’t even seem to think that Mickey would have a problem catching up with Ian and his fucking date. Like seriously, the guy seems to just keep digging that knife into Mickey's chest harder each fucking time.   
  
But maybe this is good, maybe this is what they need to completely move forward, to move on. They need Ian to date, set their friendship in stone so there are no possibilities for them to ever get all tangled up with each other again.  
  
He mutters a mantra to himself as he puts the key in the ignition and gets ready to head home.  
  
_We’re not good together, we’re better off a part, we’re better off as friends, we’re good, I’m good, this is good._  
  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

_  
  
  
  
  
  
  
_Family Sunday dinner night was in full swing, Ian and Mandy were at The Milkovich apartment, dinner had been served and everyone was chatting away and enjoying their food. Ian wasn’t feeling especially hungry, his appetite of late had been pretty low. He sighed and pushed his food around his plate.  
  
“So how was your Friday night?” Mickey was sitting across from him at the table, Ian smiled at him and shuffled in his seat before answering.   
  
“S’alright. Yours?”He was lying, his Friday night sucked; he had faked the date and went to the movies by himself. He fell asleep at the movie and had to be woken up by one of the cleaners who were cleaning between sessions. It was extremely embarrassing and depressing but he didn’t want Mickey to know that he had lied and made the whole thing up.  
  
“Yeah, it was good.” Mickey replied Ian just nodded and went back to moving his food around the plate.   
  
He didn’t feel right, he had made his appointment with his therapist and his specialist, but both appointments weren’t until tomorrow, when he had called for the appointments on Thursday he hadn’t felt so bad and thought he could make it till Monday, he was really regretting that decision right now he knew he was headed for something bad to happen. He had been feeling extra sluggish as every day went by, yesterday he felt on the verge of tears all day.  
  
“Your date a looker? You gonna see him again?” Mickey’s voice broke him out of his thoughts, Ian looked across at Mickey’s face. Mickey looked happy and beautiful and Ian knew he was asking out of kindness. It hurt, it hurt because Ian had lied to him to try and get him jealous. He’d already caused Mickey so much pain in the past and by lying to him, he was just being the same kind of asshole he used to be to him. It fucking hurt looking across at Mickey, knowing that there was no chance, that Mickey deserved so much better than a lying piece of shit like Ian.  
  
Mickey raised his eyebrows at Ian, clearly still waiting for an answer. Ian decided to keep the lie up, why not, It was clearly the only thing he was good at. Lying to Mickey, why stop now right?  
  
“Yeah” Ian smiled at Mickey as he spoke although he had to force it, it took all of his energy to keep his voice upbeat as he continued to lie to Mickey.  
  
“M’happy for you” Ian was completely shocked at just how genuine Mickey looked as he said it, so shocked that he dropped his fork with a clutter, causing the rest of the table to stop their own conversations and look at Ian.   
  
“Really?” He stammered out, looking at Mickey with complete bewilderment. Mickey scoffed at him, and smirked before replying.  
  
“Course man. You deserve to find a nice guy. Kind of surprised you were still single after all these years” Mickey continued to eat his food, and the rest of the table turned back to their meals too, but they were clearly all tuned into the conversation between the two ex lovers. Ian shook his head.  
  
“I… I have had a few boyfriends over the years, but… but nothing’s really, stuck. I dunno, none of them seemed to be… right. It always just felt wrong, none of them were…” You, he wanted to say but instead he took a shaky breathe and said “Right. None of them were right.”  
  
Mickey didn’t look back up at him; Ian’s eyes were glued to Mickey, watching him as he shrugged at what Ian said.  
  
He looked up and smiled at Ian and said “Maybe this new guy will be right this time” Ian didn’t want to lie anymore, but he didn’t want to ruin the moment by confessing so he just changed the subject.   
  
“You seeing anyone at the moment?” He asked Mickey, Mickey looked around at the rest of the people at the table, eyes lingering on his son before he mumbled a response to Ian.  
  
“Not really” Ian’s stomach dropped, that wasn’t a no and he noticed that Mickey hesitated before replying and kept glancing at Yev. He was obviously uncomfortable talking about his love life in front of his son. Ian really wanted to question him further, find out if Mickey was fucking people or in a relationship. He needed to know, he had to know if Mickey was still available.   
  
“But you’re seeing people though?” Ian questioned. Mickey looked over at Svetlana, and nodded his head in the direction of Yev and Svetlana nodded back.  
  
“Yev, come help Mama with dishes.” Svetlana said as she stood up and began grabbing everyone’s empty plates.  
  
“Do I have to?” Yev whined. Ian kept his eyes glued onto Mickey, Mickey pushed his empty plate over to Yev and stuck his tongue out at him playfully.  
  
“You want new video game, you get ass up and help, Da?” Svetlana tapped him on the head with an empty plate as Yev sighed and dragged his chair noisily away from the table as he got up. Now that Yev was gone Ian asked the question again.   
  
“So are you, seeing people?” Mickey rolled his eyes and huffed out in annoyance. Ian just waited for him to answer.   
  
“Yeah, not like dating people though. Just hook ups, mainly.” Mickey was biting his lip nervously; Ian couldn’t help but lick his lips at the sight.  
  
“You ever think about getting into a relationship again?”   
  
Mickey furrowed his brow at Ian’s question. Ian watched as Mickey tongued his cheek, clearly thinking about how to respond. He lent forward a little so that the conversation was just between the two of them. Yev and Lana were in the kitchen. Mandy and Emily were in the living room talking amongst themselves, but clearly from the looks Mandy was giving Ian they were talking _about_ them and trying to listen in. Ian lent in a little bit too, resting his chin on his hands and waiting for Mickey to talk.   
  
“Not really my priority at the moment. I guess I’m just making up for lost time. I never really got to enjoy myself when I was younger. I was closeted for so fucking long, then there was… well, you. Then prison. Nice to just have some freedom to do whatever I want now ya know? I can fuck around without the fear of being killed; get to actually enjoy sex! Not the quick fucks hidden in alley ways, or having to fuck girls to pretend I was straight. Get to do it the way I like it, actually enjoy it for once, It’s a good fucking feeling man, liberating!”  
  
Ian scrunched his face up in confusion   
  
“So what? You didn’t enjoy it with me then?”  
  
Mickey rolled his eyes at him and shook his head.  
  
“Not what I meant, you fucking _know_ I enjoyed it with you, you idiot! I mean, the beginning was a fucking shit show though, because of me, you know the hiding and the guilt I fucking had." He paused his conversation and held eye contact with Ian before he continued. His eyes were soft and apologetic.   
  
"The way I fucking treated you Ian, it still kills me how much I fucking hurt you back then. I was freaking out all the time when I was with you. I was fucking scared that we’d get caught, still fighting with myself about the fact that I was fucking gay, enjoying it made me feel sick back then, like I was wrong ya know? I feel so fucking bad about the way I lashed out at you and pushed you away for years because I was so fucking terrified of how you made me feel. Took me a long time to get over it, you know that right? You know I'm sorry for everything I did. I know I never said it to you before, but you knew right? I was fucked up and I treated you like shit because of my shitty situation.”   
  
Ian couldn’t speak, his eyes were threatening to shed tears that he was desperately fighting to keep back. He bit down hard on his bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth to keep from sobbing out loud. All he could do was nod at Mickey in response to his apology and explanation of the beginning of their relationship. It was so good to hear him say out loud the way he felt back then, to hear him kind of apologise for his actions. Ian wished he could say something back but he knew he had to keep his mouth closed or all he would do was cry like a little bitch. Mickey smiled up at him his eyes soft and regretful; Ian could see the tears in his eyes also. Mickey nodded back at him before he continued speaking.  
  
“I got there eventually though, coz of you. So thanks for that, I guess. It got easier and better with us, well for me anyway, till… yeah”   
  
Mickey was biting his bottom lip and looking at Ian.  
  
“Until I got sick and fucked it up?” Ian spat out, his voice cracking with emotion as a single tear fell from his eyes. Mickey shook his head and lent across the table and wiped the tear off of Ian’s cheek.  
  
“Not blaming you man. Shit was bound to go wrong with us sooner or later. Things had to end eventually, and they did. Look, I look back now and I can see it for what it was. If I had of gotten my shit together sooner, maybe we could’ve been good, could've made it, but I didn’t. I married Svet after you had begged me not to, you made it clear that you wouldn’t stick around and I pussied the fuck out and let you go and run off to the fucking army. I get why you did it, it was my fucking fault Ian. When you came back…”   
  
Mickey stopped abruptly as Svetlana and Yev walked past them. Ian had totally forgotten that there were other people around them. He was so absorbed in his heart to heart with Mickey that he forgot about the rest of the world. Both men watched as Svetlana guided Yev to his room, after a minute she didn’t leave so they knew she was giving them their space to keep talking. Ian looked over to the living room and saw that Mandy and Emily were walking towards the balcony. He brought his eyes back to Mickey’s and nodded at him to continue. Mickey took a shaky breath and pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes, clearly trying to fight back his own tears. He kept his head down, his hands covering his eyes as he began speaking again.  
  
“When you came back from the army and I found you at the club and we got back together. I thought we were finally at a good place. We weren’t Ian. You weren’t ok, and I pretended that it was ok because I just finally got to be with you properly. But you really weren’t you anymore and I… I know you were fucking around with other people. It’s why I kept trying to be around you all the time, to keep an eye on you, especially when you were working, but I couldn’t be there 24 fucking 7 and… I know about a lot of them Ian. People talk, and I noticed things. Marks on your body that I didn’t put there…”   
  
Mickey wouldn’t look at him and Ian could tell that he was crying. His voice became wet and cracked through his speech and Ian’s heart broke at the sound. He felt so ashamed for what he had done back then, he had no idea that Mickey knew he was fucking around on him. Ian wiped at his own face at the tears that were freely falling down his cheeks. The silence spread out for a minute or two as they both tried to compose themselves, eventually Ian couldn’t handle it anymore, he lent over and took both of Mickey’s hands away from his face and then moved Mickey’s head up to face Ian’s. Mickey locked eyes with Ian, and the pain in Ian’s heart hit him hard from the sight of his ex boyfriends heartbroken face. He moved his hands away from Mickey’s face and started crying again.  
  
“Mickey…” he tried to speak, he wanted to tell him how sorry he was, how it was his stupid disorder fucking with his head at the time, that none of them meant a thing to him, that he honestly cant remember why he did it, how he did it or even who they were, but he couldn’t get his voice to work. They both sat in silence again; Mickey finally composed himself before Ian could this time.  
  
“I’m not mad anymore Ian, It’s just hard to talk about it, it fucking hurt’s remembering it. I’m not mad though, I know it was that hypersex-what-ever-the-fuck it’s called, you know, with your bi polar. It’s not just about the cheating though. It’s just that… when I look back at it now, when you came back you were... different towards me. I don’t think you… I don’t think you had forgiven me for marrying Svetlana and pushing you away, I don’t think you cared about me the way you used to. If I hadn’t of come chasing after you, you wouldn’t have come back for me.”  
  
Ian was unable to stop crying, his heart hurt, his head hurt and all he wanted to do was crawl inside himself and just never face anybody again. He loved Mickey with all of himself, he always had. It hurt to hear him think otherwise. But a part of what Mickey was saying was true, he hadn’t truly ever gotten over what Mickey had done to him, done to them, back then, but he would've always came back to him, no matter what. They never really talked about all there shit back then. Mickey had never been one for apologies or deep and meaningful conversations like they were having now, plus Ian wasn’t himself when he came back. It was killing him that he was finally getting his apology, finally getting Mickey to open up, and it was too late. They had both done too much damage to one another and they couldn’t be together anymore. Mickey was done with him. Fuck, Mickey thought that Ian had stopped loving him back then. Ian shook his head, trying to tell Mickey no, trying to get himself to calm down so he could tell him just how much Mickey had meant to him, _still_ meant to him.  
  
“It’s ok Ian” Mickey reached over the table and placed his hand over Ian’s, squeezing it reassuringly. Ian looked into his eyes and saw the kindness and understanding in them. But Mickey was wrong, he was so wrong. Ian removed his hand from underneath Mickeys and shook his head again, holding in his tears as best as he could and taking a shaky breath so he could finally speak.   
  
“It’s really not okay Mick, and you’re wrong, you’re wrong about what I felt for you. I... I was fucked up when I got back, yeah, but it was always you for me, I would’ve, fuck, i would've always come back for you, _to_ you. Crazy or not. Once the whole bi polar thing was sorted, we would’ve needed to do this, talk about all the bullshit we went through, what we both had done to each other. Fuck, if you had just given me a chance to try and come back to you when I was better, when I was me again.”  
  
Mickey was about to interject, probably to tell him yet again about why he didn’t let him visit, but Ian held his hand up to stop him first and continued his speech.  
  
“I get why you didn’t, I really do, and I’m not blaming you for it at all. I fucked up badly Mickey. But you need to know that even when I was completely fucked up, when I was with other people, I never ever stopped loving you or thinking about you. A part of me will always love you, I fucking tried to make it stop. It just doesn’t work, I can’t do it. I’m always going to love you in some way Mickey. You were my first _real_ boyfriend, the first guy I ever really loved. And as fucked up as everything got, I’m so glad it was you, I’m glad that you will always be a part of me. I need you to know that I loved you back then, I really did Mickey…”  
  
Ian watched through blurry eyes as Mickey looked at him with disbelief and shock. Mickey went to say something but Ian held his hand up again to stop him and spoke before Mickey could. He didn’t want the other man to comment yet, he needed to get his point across.  
  
“I don’t want to fight with you Mickey, and I’m not trying to get back with you. I know that’s not what you want and that we’re done, and I’m happy you’re letting me be your friend after everything I put you through. I won’t let you keep thinking that I stopped loving you though, I never stopped and even though it probably doesn’t mean anything to you anymore, and it won’t change anything… I want you to know that I never will stop loving you. Even if you move on, I move on… I know that a part of me will always love you.”  
  
Ian was drained and too tired and emotional to continue the conversation, to even wait for Mickey to gather his own thoughts and reply. He stood up and made his way over to the coat rack without a backwards glance to the dumbfounded man staring at Ian’s empty seat. He left the apartment. He needed to sleep, it took him so much effort to drive home. He didn’t think about the fact that he had abandoned Mandy at Mickey’s apartment with no way to get home, he ignored his phone when he got home and made a beeline straight for his bed. He slipped off his clothes and buried himself in his bed and fell asleep straight away.  
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
“The fuck just happened” Mickey mumbled to himself as he stared at the empty chair across from him where Ian had just been sitting. He vaguely heard the front door close and a few minutes later the balcony door opened.  
  
“You alright Mick?” Emily said as she pulled out the chair next to Mickey’s and sat down.   
  
Was he alright? What the hell had just happened? One minute he was having a nice dinner with his family, the next he was having a fucking gay emotional moment with Ian, and then Ian said he still loved him and then Ian left. What the actual ever living fuck was going on? What the hell did he even mean by saying all that?   
  
“You having a stroke or something? Do I need to call 911?” Emily joked beside him, Mickey still didn’t respond. He was still stuck in his thoughts about Ian. He had it in his head for so long that Ian had never really loved him, especially when he came back from the army. He had spent a lot of time in jail analysing their whole relationship and had looked back and thought that Ian hadn’t felt the same way that Mickey had when he came back. But now he was so confused, Ian _had_ loved him once, he said that he _still_ loves him, says he always will.  
  
But in what way? The way some people always still feel a little love for their Ex? Or in a way that Ian still wants to be with him… Jesus, things with Ian and him are never fucking simple.  
  
He was finally brought back down to earth by a smack to the back of his head.   
  
“The fuck?” he turned around to see his sister smirking at him.  
  
“Only way to get his attention sometimes Em’s, just gotta whack him one. Where’s Ian?” Mandy screwed her face up as she looked around the apartment for her lanky roommate and couldn’t find him. She then turned her attention back on to her brother who was sitting at the table wiping his hands down his face.  
  
“He… he left… He said he still loves me? I.. I didn’t think he did, ever. Jesus.” Mickey slowly spoke up, questioning his sister with a look of utter surprise on his face.   
  
She just scoffed at him, like he was the stupidest guy on the planet for not realising it sooner.   
  
“Durrr, don’t ask me why the fuck he does, but yeah, he fucking does… Hang on? He fucking left? Asshole’s my ride home. You do something to him?”   
  
She gave him a questioning glare which had Mickey rolling his eyes at his sister.  
  
“I didn’t do shit. He told me he loved me and then he left. Hold the fuck up… You _knew_ he still loved me and didn’t fucking tell me?”  
  
Mandy laughed at him as she took her phone out and began dialling Ian’s number, she stared at her brother with her phone to her ear waiting for Ian to pick up.  
  
“I knew before he even fucking realised it himself, and like fuck you’ve got a right to yell at me for hiding shit from you? You were taking it up the ass from my faux boyfriend for years and you didn’t say shit to me! Ian’s not answering his phone, fucking butt muncher! I’m gonna kill him for ditching me, after I make him pay for my cab fare home of course.”  
  
She put her phone away and went to grab her bag to leave. She stopped abruptly and slowly turned around and retraced her steps back towards her brother. Mickey looked up at her and raised an eyebrow in question.  
  
“I just want you to know that, even if Ian still loves you and you still love him. I don’t think you’re good for each other. I think it’s fine that you still care for each other, and you both hold a special place In each other’s hearts but… I know it’s not my place or my decision, but… I don’t want either of you back together. It’s not good for either one of you. I think it’s great that you’re sorting through all the past bullshit and moving forward, but getting back together isn’t moving forward… You don’t want to be with him again, do you?”  
  
Mickey lent back in his chair and began drumming his fingers on the dining room table whilst he thought her question over, thought about how much pain they caused each other in the past and how far they had come without each other.  
  
Ian got his health sorted out, got a good job, moved away. From what little bits of the past few years Ian and Mandy have told him about, he seems like he has had a good life without Mickey in it messing it up.  
  
He thinks about how he has been without Ian also, yeah Jail was fucked, but he tried to better himself and since he’s been out he has a great group of friends, a good job, he’s closer to his kid and had his priorities straight for once. He wasn’t fucked up like he thought he would be. He’s out and comfortable with liking guys now. He knows that being with Ian consumed so much of him, it was all he cared about. If they had of stayed together he knows that they both would still be in the Southside, dirt poor, Ian probably at some shitty job at a convenience store, maybe even still dancing and Mickey would probably be running drugs or scams. He’d probably be a shitty dad still.   
  
“Mick?” Mandy is still waiting for her answer. He thinks about everything Ian just said. Ian didn't exactly say that he wanted to be with Mickey either, didn't want him to take Ian back. So maybe he's thought about it too and realised that they might still love each other, but they're better off a part. He sighs, swallows down the lump in his throat and begrudgingly, tells himself and his sister what he know the right answer should be to that question...   
  
“No, I don’t”  
  
  
  
  



	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another long chapter, i'm sure you all won't mind.
> 
> Thanks again for sticking with it, hope you all like the fluff!!

Ian feels the bed dip with the weight of another body, he can hear a hum which he knows is a voice but he’s struggling to focus his attention on the words. He knows by the pitch and the tone that its Mandy, he uses all his energy to sit up and wake up, finally the room becomes a little clearer and he can now focus on her words.  
  
“… then I had to take a fucking cab you asshole. You could’ve at least grabbed me before you fucking left. You owe me a twenty for the fair.”   
  
He only catches the last of Mandy’s words, can tell she’s angry and wants an explanation, but all he can manage at the moment is a one worded answer.   
  
“Sorry” he mumbles, she pivots on the bed and takes a good look at his face, he watches her look him over, studying his features. He knows she’s checking for signs that he’s not doing ok. Grimaces when he sees that look on her face, he knows it means she’s found something about his appearance that has her worried.   
  
“You ok?”   
  
She’s asking to be polite, he knows she knows already that he’s not. He answers her honestly. Back in the beginning he would lie, say that he was fine and then they would argue. It’s completely pointless so he just tells her the truth nowadays.  
  
“Think I’m in a low phase, meds aren’t suppressing it as well as they usually do. Going to the doc tomorrow. Can you take me?”   
  
He sees her concern change to annoyance, she can read him well after years of friendship and living together, but he can read her just as good. She’s mad her didn’t tell her sooner.  
  
“Shit Ian, how long you been feeling like this? You should’ve told me!”   
  
“Bout a week, dunno. I’ve been feeling off for a while longer than that though, but I’m ok”   
  
She studies him again, probably contemplating whether or not to give him an ear bashing or to just let it slide off her back this time. Thankfully she chooses to let him get away with it, for now at least.  
  
“What time’s your appointment?” He lets out a relieved breath, no argument’s for now thank god, he doesn’t have the energy.   
  
“11, you might need to call the station for me too. Might need a few days off.”   
  
“Of course.”   
  
They sit there in silence for a while; Ian lays back down and closes his eyes. He can feel Mandy shifting next to him, can basically feel the worry radiating of her body, knows she has questions. He just wants her to leave him alone for now. Just for tonight. Prays that she doesn’t try to pry for information.  
  
“Nothing has triggered this to happen has it?”   
  
Clearly his luck has run out and she wants to dig into his mind, figure out why he’s low right now. He’s mad. She’s not a doctor, not his therapist. She might have dealt with him being like this more than a few times over the years, but she’s yet to fully understand how it works, how he works, completely. Fuck, even he doesn’t get it some days and it’s living inside him.  
  
“I don’t think so? I’ve been acting a bit thoughtless lately though. Doing and saying things that I don’t mean to do or say”   
  
Ian starts thinking about how he lied to Mickey and Mandy about his fake date to trick Mickey into, something… he doesn’t even know anymore what he was hoping to accomplish, he just knows it was wrong on so many levels. The guilt is coursing through him. Almost as if she is reading his thoughts she brings her brother up.  
  
“Like stuff you’ve told Mickey? He told me you said you still love him”   
  
He can tell where she is going with this and he’s struggling to hold back his aggression. This low isn’t Mickey’s fault, he didn’t cause this. Ian knows that it could be part of the reason but there’s been a lt of stressors around lately. Moving to a new city, starting a new job, adjusting to a new routine because of it all. All of these are contributing factors. But he’s okay, this isn’t even a bad low right now, he’s been through worse, much, _much_ worse.  
  
And there's no way that Ian telling Mickey everything tonight wasn’t real, wasn't how he really felt. Considering Mandy was the one to point out to him in the first place that he was still in love with Mickey all this time, he’s pissed that she’s making him try to second guess himself. He’s so angry that he’s using his breathing techniques to try and calm down before he answers her. They’re not working so well.   
  
“I meant that, I _do_ still love him. And please don’t try and say it’s my fucking disorder making me feel like that, because I know it’s not. _You_ know it’s not.”   
  
She raises an eyebrow at him at his tone, yeah, he snapped at her. But she deserved it.  
  
“Wasn’t going to”   
  
Fucking liar. She was, it’s written all over her face. He closes his eyes again and hopes that she’ll leave now, or change the subject.   
  
“You didn’t answer me though. Doing and saying stuff that you didn’t mean… Any of that to do with Mickey?”   
  
He doesn’t bother to open his eyes, doesn’t answer either. She stays there though, and just the heat from her body sitting next to him is irritating enough to get him to eventually speak.  
  
“Tired Mandy. Can you just wake me up in the morning for my meds?”   
  
“Ok, I’ll drop it… For now, but we need to talk about this soon Ian… You want me to sleep in here with you?”   
  
He pulls the covers up over his shoulder and shakes his head at her, she gets up off the bed and pats him on the shoulder and walks towards his door. He lies there motionless, knows she’s still standing by his doorway watching him, cataloguing what she thinks are symptoms and issues so she can tell his doctor tomorrow. It’s fucking irritating. She’s there for a long time, eventually he just rolls over and the exhaustion sets in completely and he falls asleep with the hawk housemate watching him still from the door way.   
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
His appointment isn’t too bad. The Doctor speaks with Mandy first, then sees Ian. It’s annoying to be babied like this, having an ‘able minded adult speak for the insane child who has to wait for the adults to talk first before he can.’He knows that they agreed to this a long time ago, this is their 'procedure' that he and Mandy set up in case of emergencies such as this, it still pisses him off when it happens though.   
  
Once he’s done with the doctor he feels more at ease almost instantly. She agrees with him that this isn’t as bad as Mandy seems to think it is. His routine is out of whack and he’s a little stressed about the changes to his life, just as he thought. He was honest and told her about Mickey, about the confusion and hurt and the lying to him. She agrees that Mickey is obviously a contributing factor to this low. But she tells him that they have clearly made some good progress, talking about their painful past and their break up. She said that in time, Mickey’s friendship could be a supportive presence in Ian’s life. He notices her emphasis on the word _friendship_. Tries to keep all signs of disappointment off his face, clearly she sees no hope on a rekindled romance or even worse she thinks they’ll damage each other further. He’s a little worried about what Mandy and his Doctor are going to say about Mickey and him at the end of his session, prays that Mandy doesn’t interfere and try and keep Mickey away.   
  
They talk about his new routine, things to do for the time being to help him adjust to the changes, it’s all relatively simple and he’s glad that she predicts that this low has seen it's worse days, he probably won't get any worse than he is now, he'll only be stuck at home for no longer than a day or two more.  
  
This has been a relatively easy session and he feels hopeful that this was just a small bump.   
  
He’s ok, he’s fine.  
  
The Doctor plays around with his doses. Upping some of his pills and adding a new one to the mix, ‘temporarily’ she assures him.  
  
Finally he’s home again, new meds and lunch done on the way home so he can now crawl into bed and sleep till dinner and his next dose.  
  
“I have to go to work Ian, you gonna be ok?” Mandy says from his doorway as she pulls her hair up into a messy bun, he’s literally only just shut his eyes. He breathes deeply and calms himself before replying.   
  
“I’m fine Mands, you know I can handle this. The Doctor told you that this isn’t such a big deal. Go to work, I’ll be here to fawn all over when you get home”   
  
She laughs at him and walks in and smacks him on the forehead, jokingly. He smirks at her in response, Thankful that she wasn’t too afraid to smack him, you know, just in case he broke any further.   
  
“I don’t fucking fawn asshole”   
  
She hesitates near his bed, her eyes flitting across his features, smile slowly falling into a worried frown.  
  
“Make sure you set an alarm for your next meal and dose. Eat first Ian, and make sure that…”   
  
Fuck this, he forgets the breathing technique and stops her mid-sentence, he doesn’t want to hear what he has to do, he already fucking knows, he’s already been fucking told a million times today, not including all the other fucking times he’s heard it over the years.  
  
“Seriously Mandy, I’m not an idiot, I’ve been doing this a long time now and I can handle it, just go to fucking work!!”   
  
She glares at him and then flips him off on the way out of his room.  
  
“Sorry for giving a shit, see you fucking later then asshole!”   
  
The door slams and the apartment is in complete silence, he instantly hates it and despite himself he misses Mandy’s stupid nagging voice. God he can really be an asshole sometimes.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
He wakes up slowly, he can hear someone calling his name. He rubs his eyes and looks toward his bedroom door it takes a moment and then the figure come into clearer focus. Black hair, blue eyes… Mickey./  
  
“Ian?”   
  
Ian scrubs his eyes again hoping that the figure will transform into something, _anything_ else. He’d take a fucking hallucination of a fucking blue eyed dragon over this.   
  
Nope, still Mickey.  
  
“Did Mandy call you? I’m gonna kill her”   
  
Mickey chuckles lowly in his throat at that, but he continues to hover awkwardly at Ian’s door. Ian glares at him completely unamused. He watches as Mickey looks him over and rubs his thumb under his lip, Mickey’s little nervous habit.   
  
“She’s just worried man, Thought you could use some company”   
  
Ian shakes his head and sits up in his bed, crossing his arms. Hopefully trying to make himself look stronger than he feels. Mickey finally relaxes against Ian’s door frame, he makes no move to actually enter Ian’s bedroom. Ian’s thinking that his nervousness might be more about being in Ian’s room with Ian than the whole bipolar issue he’s having. He kind of feels relieved that maybe someone isn’t going to completely baby him for a change.   
  
“Right, she’s probably worried I’m gonna try and off myself again more like it”   
  
Now Mickey’s features change, _now_ he looks worried. Ian tries to think about what he just said to worry Mickey so quickly. Before Mickey even speaks Ian’s realised what the fuck he just said. Shit.  
  
“What do you mean again?” Mickey’s voice is laden with concern, his eyes are bugging out of his head and Ian can see him searching over Ian’s arms and any other visible skin for possible scars. Great, he thinks Ian pulled a Monica and cut himself.   
  
“Jesus… Can we not do this right now. I feel like shit, I don’t wanna talk about it”   
  
He expects Mickey to push him, yell at him, demand to know what he did. He watches Mickey and waits for it… and waits and waits. Mickey sighs and runs his hand through his hair, looks back at Ian and forces a small smile.   
  
“Yeah, Ok. You hungry?”   
  
Well he wasn’t expecting that reaction at all, and for some reason it pisses him off more. Mickey just complying like a pussy bitch, scared to rattle the head case stuck in bed.   
  
“No” Ian forces out through gritted teeth.  
  
Angry green Eye’s glaring daggers into Mickey’s blue ones. Mickey doesn’t say anything just shrugs and walks away from Ian’s room. A second later Ian hears the TV turn on in the lounge room. He’s too worked up to try and sleep again, also having Mickey in his apartment, alone, is kind of putting him on edge a little. He grabs a men’s fitness magazine from under his bed and starts reading through it to pass the time. He’s halfway through an article about ‘superfoods for super dudes’ when he sees Mickey’s shadow in his doorway, he pretends to not notice but once he finishes the article he looks up and raises an eyebrow in question to Mickey, silently asking him why he’s standing there.  
  
Mickey unabashedly keeps staring at him, leans on the door frame, Ian wishes he would stop doing that because he looks like he’s posing and it looks stupidly attractive. Mickey eventually clucks his tongue (another nervous habit, Ian notes) and then starts talking.  
  
“You don’t seem as bad as that first time, that’s good right? You’re like, talking and shit this time.”   
  
So Mickey has been staring at him because he’s confused as to why Ian isn’t catatonic. He realises then that Mickey never really was around to see how a bipolar person, who’s been on meds for enough time to not be a zombie, acts through a low phase. How meds can work enough to keep him somewhat human. It’s not his fault that he didn’t experience this with Ian before, It’s Ian’s fault. Perhaps that’s why Ian stops with his frustration and anger at being babysat by his ex boyfriend, and decides to be nice and civil.  
  
“Yeah, the meds suppress the lows and highs I have. Usually I’m alright, I just feel a little sluggish when I’m low, bit sad too sometimes I guess. Actually, it just makes me moody as fuck this time, if you haven’t guessed already”   
  
Ian laughs and his own moodiness and is glad that Mickey smirks back at him, raises an eyebrow.   
  
“Really, wouldn’t have guessed about the mood swings man, you’ve been so charming today”   
  
Ian flips him off and Mickey flips him off right back. It feels nice, It feels normal. It’s what Ian needs right now.  
  
“When I’m high I feel more energy, I feel like I’m vibrating sometimes, too much energy… but the meds usual stop me from getting too crazy or too depressed. Haven’t felt like this in a long time. I went to my doctor today, just fiddled around with my dosage at the moment because they aren’t working as well as they usually do. It’s really no big deal Mick, you don’t need to be here”   
  
The tiredness is creeping in again, his slight happiness dissintergrating just as quickly as it popped up. He feels like a burden, Mickey shouldn’t be dealing with this shit. Ian’s not his responsibility not his family any more.   
  
“I know, nothing else to do tonight, figured I could at least keep you company, watch a movie or something?”   
  
Ian just shakes his head, nestles down into his bed, closes his eyes in case Mickey’s face shows that god awful look of pity on it.  
  
“Don’t want company, just want to sleep” Ian mumbles out.   
  
“Alright, sleep. I’ll just hang out in the lounge and wait for Mandy to come home.”   
  
“Or you could just fuck off”   
  
He doesn’t mean to be nasty, but the moment the words left his lips he knows how ungrateful he sounds, no wonder people treat him like a child when he’s like this, he sure fucking acts like one. Seems like it’s pushed Mickey to his limits coz he finally snaps and his voice isn’t as soft anymore, it’s gruff but not loud, he’s irritated but not completely angry.   
  
“I can’t do that, you can be pissed at me and not talk to me if you want Ian. But I’m not going anywhere. You might hate me for it, but I really don’t give a fuck. I’d rather you hate me than me hate myself because something happened to you and I wasn’t here. I’ll leave you alone, I’ll just chill out. Yell if your stubborn ass decides you need anything, alright? I’m ordering pizza for dinner in a couple of hours, I’ll wake your moody ass up then if you’re not up by then, you fine with that precious?”   
  
Ian feels like a dick, but he can’t hide the smile Mickey’s frustrated rant puts on his face, he opens one eye and peaks a look over at Mickey, who is standing by the end of his bed now with his arms crossed waiting for his answer. He must see Ian’s smile, because he’s smirking back like the cat that just got the cream. So Ian tightens his lips back up, rolls over and yells out over his shoulder.   
  
“Fine”   
  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Jesus Christ, If he knew that Gallagher was gonna be acting like a moody bitch on her rags he would’ve told Mandy to go fuck herself when she called him this morning.   
  
Ok, he still would’ve said _yes_ , but he would’ve at least made the bitch buy him dinner or something, maybe not have taken off of work a few hours early and rushed his ass over here. Honestly, when the call came through this morning, he almost passed out. His ears started ringing and his vision went spotty and thank god he was still in bed or he would probably have fallen the fuck over. It took Mandy a minute to grab his attention back, then she explained that they were going to the doctors, and she needed Mickey over at hers to watch over Ian at 3pm till she finished work later that night.   
  
He was expecting Ian to be in bed with that blank look on his face, completely unmoving and scary as shit. What he didn’t expect was a grown man acting like a four year old, reading magazines and bitching and moaning at him. He was relieved as fuck at it though, had to hold himself back from jumping on him and kissing him because, thank fuck, he was still here, still somewhat normal, just more annoying than usual. That he could deal with.  
  
He’s sitting on the couch absentmindedly flipping through the channels, he checks his watch for the time. Mandy left specific instructions that Ian has to eat and take his meds at 6pm. He’s already set a reminder on his phone for when to call the pizza place, he still has a few hours of boredom to go until then. He hears a weak noise coming from the direction of Ian’s bedroom, he mutes the TV and strains to hear anything.  
  
“Mick?” Ian's sleepy voice come’s down the hallway, he pockets his phone and tries not to rush down there.  
  
_Don’t baby him, he’s fine. Don’t be to eager to get to him, don’t freak him out.  
  
_ “You Ok? You need something?”   
  
Ian doesn’t move from his spot on the bed nestled in under the covers, lying on his side facing the door way. He’s pale still, a slight darkness under his eyes, but he looks ok, he’s seen Ian look a hell of a lot worse. Ian clears his throat and moves the blanket away from his face.   
  
“Can you come… can you lay with me?”   
  
He hesitates, scared to get that close to him. He can see that Ian’s a little freaked out by Mickey’s hesitation, clearly wants to tell him to not bother. So before Ian can take it back Mickey quickly makes his way into the room, kicks his shoes off and tries to smile at him as reassuringly as possible, make Ian think that this isn’t as big of a deal to Mickey, than it actually is.  
  
“Alright, you gonna have to move over fucking bedhog”   
  
Ian smiles at him and slides over to let Mickey in the bed, they both make sure there’s a foot of room between them, to not make it too awkward or intimate. Thank god Ian has a more accommodating bed than the twin he had at the Gallagher house otherwise they’d have to be squished together to fit in. Mickey starts thinking about that bed, if it’s still there, if maybe Carl or Liam has now made it their own. If the army posters are still all around it, If it still holds Ian’s smell…   
  
“Tell me something?” Ian’s sleepy voice pulls Mickey out of his thoughts, Mickey rolls over to face him, hugs himself tightly to force his hands away from removing the lock of red hair that has fallen across Ian’s forehead, obscuring Mickey’s view of one of his pretty green eyes.   
  
“Like what?”   
  
Ian’s mirroring Mickey’s posture, arms around his own body. Mickey can’t help but wonder if perhaps he’s doing it too to stop himself from reaching out and touching Mickey as well. He looks at Ian and watches him thinking, trying to find something to ask Mickey to talk about.   
  
“Dunno, just want to drown out the voices in my head, I wanna hear yours instead”   
  
He’s pleased by the idea, momentarily, that Ian would find Mickey’s voice soothing or comforting, until he realises that Ian said he wanted to drown out voices? What voices?  
  
“Ok… Voices?” He cant help but ask, he can hear the worry in his voice and is annoyed at himself when he realises that Ian heard it too. Ian shakes his head and looks at Mickey frustratedly.   
  
“Shit, not like that. Just stupid thoughts, depressing shit. Don’t want to think about that stuff, so tell me something!”   
  
Mickey’s freaked out that he’s fucked up and upset Ian, _again_. He stammers around a bit trying to think of something to say, anything, that’ll placate Ian. Pull him away from his anger, from his sadness. His mouth moves before he registers what he’s saying.  
  
“I still love you too”   
  
Oh shit… Oh shit… Fuck a bag of dicks, did that actually just come out of his mouth?   
  
“What….” Ian’s shocked, probably as shocked at those words as Mickey feels right now by the look on his face. Mickey quickly tries to rectify the situation, take it back, fix it.   
  
“Fuck, I didn’t mean to say that…”   
  
Ian’s face goes from shocked, to devastated in a second. Jesus, Mickey’s really fucking this up.  
  
“No, not like I didn’t _mean_ it, i just didn’t mean to bring it up _right_ this second”   
  
He forces himself to stop speaking, watches as Ian bites on his lip and nods. His face visibly relaxing. Mickey breathes out a sigh of relief; still kind of freaking out that his mouth betrayed him at spoke those words before he was ready to say them, before Ian was ready to hear them.  
  
“Oh… Ok. I’m probably not in the right state of mind for a deep and meaningful conversation anyways.” Ian lets out a small laugh and they both just kind of lay there afterwards, staring at each other. Mickey’s wondering what Ian’s thinking about. Is he stressing out over the fact that Mickey still loves him? Does he think that this means something? Shit, Does it?   
  
He told Mandy that he didn’t want to get back together. Mickey knows it’s not healthy, he’s stressing out that maybe Ian’s like this because of him, did he cause Ian to be stuck in bed? Shit. The silence is killing him, he understands now why Ian wanted to talk, listen to anything other than his own thoughts. If his train of thought is as confusing, frustrating and maddening as Mickey’s own... Shit, he’d rather listen to Mandy sing along to High School Musical off key for an hour than listen to his own fucked up mind…   
  
“Yev has webbed feet and it freaks me the fuck out. Kid looks like a fucking duck. I make him wear socks all the time because I can’t handle looking at them!”   
  
He blurts out the most random thought that crossed his mind that wasn’t about Ian. He looks at Ian, he’s clearly stunned by the sudden outburst but then he starts laughing so hard that his face goes bright red, he bunches his knees up to his chest and throws his head back and laughs loudly and it’s the most beautiful thing Mickey has ever seen or heard.  
  
Mickey smiles so big that his cheeks hurt, he starts laughing along with Ian. Putting aside the fact that Ian’s at a low point right now, Mickey knows that he’s going to put this memory away somewhere to look back on, relish in the way he made Ian happy, the way Ian’s laugh sounds, the way his hair is flopping back and forth over his face, the beauty in this moment… remember it later on as a high point in his life.   
  
“Holy shit, Why the hell did you just blurt that out! Jesus Mickey, I swear I almost wet the bed”   
  
“Trying to lighten the mood, first thing that came to my head…”   
  
Ian slowly stops laughing and moves back on his side, facing Mickey again. He keeps letting out small huffs of laughter every now and then, but they’re both back to staring at each other. Both smiling fondly, it’s nice. Mickey’s never had a moment like this. Was never able to be with Ian like this. His hand moves before he can stop himself, he brushes the strand of hair back to where it should be, out of Ian’s eyes. He then lets his finger trace lightly along Ian’s cheek bone. Ian’s eyes flutter shut for a moment and he leans into the touch, Mickey removes his hand, hugs himself again, watches as Ian opens his eyes and smiles back at him.   
  
“Tell me about Jail”   
  
Mood spoilt. Mickey furrows his brows. Why the hell would he bring that shit up right now?   
  
“I thought you didn’t want to get into depressing shit” Mickey barks out, causing Ian to look up at him sheepishly.  
  
“I don’t but, I want to know what made you like this now. So open with how you’re feeling, more relaxed and gentle. You’re so different. I mean, you’re still you in all the right ways, the ways that make you _you,_ but now you just seem so… I don’t know, amazinger? Something had to make you change; I’m assuming it happened whilst you were in there. Tell me. Please?”  
  
“Ok… Firstly, amazinger? The fuck, stop making up stupid words Gallagher. Secondly, I’m still a bad ass mother fucker, not a gentle fucking princess, just for the record… I could still fuck you up”   
  
He pinches Ian’s nose and slaps his cheek lightly, they both laugh. Mickey knows he’s changed and he’s damn proud of it. He wants to tell Ian how, but needs to try to cut out all the painful bullshit he went through to get there. He doesn’t want Ian to know every detail of how messed up he was, especially for the first three, four years he was locked up. How most of that time he thought about Ian, was either depressed or angry and got himself into a shit load of trouble because of it. Ian doesn’t need that on his conscience right now.   
  
“Alright then Nosey Nelly, I’ll let you in on my miraculous transformation story, as long as you don’t go selling the details to some news station and making a million bucks off of it”  
  
“Promise, scouts honour” Ian gives him a salute and Mickey slaps the dorks hand   
  
“You weren’t ever a boy scout, can’t make a promise backed up by a fucking lie Gallagher”   
  
“Ok, ROTC honour?”   
  
Mickey bursts out laughing. Jesus this guy’s a fucking idiot.  
  
“Fucking fine, I’ll take that. Shit, Ok… I had some ummm, anger issues and stuff when I was younger and it caused me some problems whilst I was in prison”   
  
Ian just snorts and rolls his eyes  
  
“Yeah, I know, shocker right? Anyways, they have these stupid fucking therapists that come in there and I had gotten into a pretty bad scrap and I had the choice of adding time to my sentence or solitary for a week and then therapy sessions twice a week for three months. I choose the latter, coz I figured I’d just sit there and ignore the quack till my time was done. But those fuckers have a way with making you talk and shit, then using your fucking fears and other crap against you to make you do shit. Manipulative pricks, am I right?”   
  
Ian just nods, he seems to be hiding the shock that Mickey talked to a therapist about his issues, Mickey can’t help but grin at what Ian’s reaction is going to be to the rest of the story then.  
  
“So cutting a long ass fucking story as short as I can, i'll just give you the highlights…. After the initial sessions, I kind of started to feel good about it, about myself, started changing so, here’s the real kicker, I ended up volunteering to continue to do the sessions every week with my therapist Joseph until the end of my time.”   
  
Boom, Ian’s eyes widen in shock. He knew it would happen. No one who knows Mickey would ever think that he would choose to talk to a shrink about his emotions, his childhood, his fucking gay ass feelings.   
  
“So we talked about my anger issues, my self-loathing, talked a shit load about fucking Terry and all the damage that prick did to me, physically  _and_  emotionally. We also talked about me being gay and accepting it completely, my ummm…relationship issues. We talked about Yev and Svetlana and how that whole situation happened and how I could put the negative issues they brought up for me with Yev’s conception aside, focus on the positives. Got me talking to the kid more, writing him letters and shit. Eventually we talked about me actually having a future outside, what I was gonna do, what I wanted to be able to do to finally start enjoying life. Guess that’s what made me decide to change my ways when I got out. I definitely don’t wanna end up in there again, it aint a nice place and I kinda wanna see my kid grow up, want to enjoy the rest of my life I got left”   
  
Mickey told the nicer version of the story, staring at Ian’s freckled arm the whole time. Didn’t want Ian to see Mickey’s embarrassment and he _definitely_ didn’t want to see Ian’s face when he mentioned his _relationship issues_. He finally moves his eyes up to Ian’s now that he’s finished. Ian’s smiling at him all dopily. It makes his heart flutter… God he’s so fucking gay.   
  
“Sounds like it did you good. The sessions anyway”   
  
Mickey hums in agreement, but he doesn’t want Ian to think that the last 9 years inside has been a walk in the park. It was not like that at all.  
  
“I’m sugar coating it Gallagher, prison was far from fucking nice. And those sessions took me years, and they were painful at times, made me angry as all hell most days. But I guess the outcome hasn’t been so bad”   
  
Ian reaches over and squeezes Mickeys hand, lets it go and then folds back in on himself. They lay there again, thinking. Mickey suddenly feels tired so he closes his eyes. Tries not to think about the bad shit that happened to him in there. The fights, the beatings, the sleepless nights.  
  
“Guess I was the relationship issues?”  
  
Mickey opens his eyes and looks at Ian. He looks sad again. No use denying it though, he already knows that at that time, Ian was the only relationship he had ever had.   
  
“Uhhh… Yeah…”   
  
Ian just nods. They lay there again, silently. Mickey watches as Ian lays there, clearly struggling with his thoughts. Mickey can tell that he wants to say something, or ask something. Before he gets the chance to speak they both jump at the sound of Mickey’s phone alarm. Shit, they’ve been laying here and talking for hours. He needs to order food, Ian needs his meds.  
  
“Gotta order dinner. You still cool with Pizza?”   
  
Ian just nods and sits up, rubbing his hands over his face. Mickey sits up next to him and orders. Whilst he’s on the phone, he keeps glancing over at Ian. Ian looks worried, or frustrated. It’s a little hard for Mickey to read him nowadays, I guess years apart will do that to you. Once he gets off the phone. He nudges Ian.   
  
“You all good man?”  
  
“Mhmm”   
  
Ok, a non worded response from Ian Gallagher is never a good thing. Mickey sits next to him for a little longer, waiting him out. He’s about to nudge Ian again, make him talk when he feels Ian place his hand on Mickeys, Ian moves their hands around until he can push their palms together and intertwine their fingers. Mickey looks over at him, but Ian’s eyes are trained on where they are holding hands.  
  
“I’m really sorry you’ve had such a shitty life so far Mickey. I’m sorry you had to grow up surrounded by fucked up people, I wish so badly that all of the terrible cards you got dealt so early in life could’ve been giving to someone like, I dunno… fucking Frank. You’re a really fucking great person you know? I’m so fucking proud of you and I just know that things from here on out are gonna be real good for you Mick. You deserve to finally be free of all the bullshit and happy for once.”   
  
Mickey watches as Ian lifts their hands up to his face and lightly kisses the top of Mickey’s hand before he places their hands in the space between them on the bed. Mickey is completely speechless; no one has ever told him that he was a good, no that he was a _great_ person before, no one’s ever been proud of him or told him he deserves good things in life.  
  
His stomach is in his throat. He wants to say something, deny all the good shit Ian said. Make some stupid lame joke about how gay this all is but he can’t. He just keeps staring at Ian, who is still staring at their hands intertwined on the bed between their thighs. The only thing Mickey’s body feels able to do is squeeze Ian’s hand, so he does. Ian then looks up at him smiling softly, he squeezes his hand back and then leans his head on Mickey’s shoulder.  
  
They stay like that unmoving again, not speaking, until the pizza arrives. Mickey grabs it pays for it and brings it into the kitchen. He sets the box down and takes a minute to compose himself. He’s rattled, can’t get Ian’s words out of his head, can still feel the kiss lingering on his hand. He takes the box, forgets the plates like a dim witted idiot, and brings it into Ian’s room.   
  
They don’t talk, they just eat. Ian eats only one slice, takes his pills and then gets back under his covers. Mickey finishes almost all of the pizza. Closes up the box and goes to leave the room.  
  
“Can you… When you’re done, Can you come back? It’s been nice having you in here with me”   
  
Mickey spins around and looks at Ian. He clears his throat, realises that he still hasn’t uttered a single word since Ian’s speech. Tries to talk. Nothing.  
  
“You can say no, I won’t be mad Mickey”   
  
Shit. He quickly composes himself. And finally starts talking.  
  
“No… I mean, not a _No_ I won’t do it, it’s not that. I will, I want to. Just... just let me put the rest of this in the fridge, wash the grease of my fingers and have a smoke. Then I’ll come back to bed with you”   
  
He’s about to leave again, but Ian quickly blurts out another question.  
  
“Even if I’m asleep, you’ll come lay with me right?” Mickey looks over at him and can't help but smile at the way Ian's looking at him.   
  
“Yeah man, Course I will”   
  
By the time he makes it back, Ian is fast asleep. He pulls the blankets up and slides in next to him. He’s left the same space that was there before. There’s still a foot between them of space, but this time Ian’s hand is out stretched, Mickey already knows why. He places their palms together and folds his fingers in with Ian’s. Just before he drifts off he feels Ian move their hands towards his face, feels the light press of Ian’s lips on his hand again. So he squeezes Ian’s hand in response and then finally falls into a peaceful sleep.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> moving forward, slowly... Thanks for all the lovely comments. I'm glad people are still reading it. Things will heat up again in the next few chapters!!

  
Ian wakes up in an empty bed, he slides his hands over the space that Mickey was occupying… still warm. Ian smiles, for a second he thought he had imagined the whole thing, Mickey talking with him, holding his hand, sleeping by his side... It feels like a dream, but the warmth of a body still clinging to his sheets let's him know that it was real. He moves over to where Mickey was and buries his face in the pillow, he’s suddenly enveloped in his ex’s scent and he can’t help but feel intoxicated by it.   
  
His door creaks open and a slither of light comes in from the door way and a head pokes inside his room. He sits up quickly, expecting it to be Mickey, he feels a little embarrassed being caught sniffing the pillow like a creep, but at the same time he feels excitement pooling in his belly and a flush of warmth spreads across his face, until the silhouette becomes more prominent in the now fully opened doorway and he sees that it’s the other Milkovich, Mandy.  
  
“Hey Ian, hope we didn’t wake you up?” She says as she enters further in to the room.  
  
She turns his bedside lamp on and sits down next to him on the bed. Ian’s eyes are still adjusting to the light, he takes a quick glance through the bedroom door out into the hallway but he can’t see if anyone is out there.  
  
“No, I just woke up. Is... ummm... Is Mick still here?”   
  
Mandy shuffles a bit on the bed trying to get comfortable, pushing Ian further over, back to his side of the bed. He's disappointed that she's made him leave Mickey's warmth and smell. She grabs his hand and starts playing with his fingers as she looks down on them, Ian looks at them too and feels his heart skip a beat and warmth pools back into his stomach again. It’s not from her holding his hand but from memories of earlier in the evening when he held Mickey’s hand and watched the way their fingers and palms slotted so perfectly together. He can’t help but think about how Mickey’s hands are a lot more calloused than they used to be on his palm and his fingers, and yet the top of his hand was still as soft as he remembered. His hands are old and new to him at the same time, just like their owner.  
  
“No, he just left; he has work in the morning. Sorry I called him and asked him to come over. I know I worry too much, but I just wanted someone here in case… It was for my own piece of mind, my own insecurities. I’m sorry if I’m pissing you off. Every time you have a little set back or whatever, I freak out. You’re so important to me and I… I just.. I just want to help you, I just want you to be Okay”   
  
She doesn’t look at him as she speaks, her eyes are still trained on his hand as she continues to play with his fingers. He looks over at her and watches as she bites her lip, her eyes look damp as if she is holding back tears. He feels terrible for how he treats her when his moods are crazy like this, he hates how much she worries him. He sighs deeply and pulls her towards himself, enveloping her in a tight hug.   
  
“C’mere… I know I complain and act like an asshole when I’m like this. I hate being babied and I hate worrying you. But above all else, I appreciate it. I do. I know you have my best interests at heart. It just sucks going through this. I’m sorry for being a little shit, thanks for putting up with me”   
  
Ian kisses the top of her head and she burrows her face into his neck. She pulls back after a long moment and smiles at him, her eyes are slightly wetter than before and her nose is a little red. She sniffs and wipes her sleeve across her eyes, but she smiles brightly at him and he feels a little better for seeing it.  
  
“Yeah well, you put up with me so I guess we’re even”   
  
She hugs him again, squeezing him a little tighter than before. They stay there hugging for a while until Mandy clears her throat. She mumbles her words into his chest.  
  
“So… Mickey was in bed with you when I came home?”   
  
It’s a statement but her words sound like a question. She’s probing for information as to why he was there and what it means. Ian doesn’t know what it means though. He has hope that Mickey feels something for him still, he told Ian that he still loved him, but what does that mean? He’s been silent for a while pondering all the possibilities and he feels Mandy pulling out of his embrace to look at him. She raises an eyebrow, waiting for the response. He doesn’t really know what to say.   
  
“Yeah”   
  
Might as well just agree to what she saw and leave the unanswered questions for her to ask later, for him to continue to dwell on and pick apart until he himself can find an answer, maybe. She cups his cheek and rests her forehead against his.  
  
“I don’t want either of you to get hurt”   
  
She mumbles quietly as her breath fans lightly across his face. He closes his eyes tight, he doesn’t want that either. It’s one of the main reason’s he’s holding back from pursuing anything, that and the fact that he’s worried that it’ll scare Mickey off and Ian will lose him completely. He can’t have that, he knows now that he needs Mickey around, no matter what their relationship/ friendship status is.   
  
“Nothing’s going on Mandy”   
  
It’s not a lie, he tells himself, not technically. Nothing is going on, but he hopes, my _god_ does he hope. He wants it to be something, something more than friendship and an old connection. He wants more but he doesn’t feel like he deserves it. He thinks about Mickey’s story of finding himself and re-evaluating his life whilst he was in prison. All the ways he has changed, how happy he has been without Ian messing it all up, how far he has come without Ian’s help. Where does he fit into Mickey’s new life, does he even fit at all? Would he just cause more problems?  
  
“I call Bullshit, but I’ll leave it alone, for now”   
  
Mandy’s voice brings him out of his thoughts. She’s moved down to snuggle into the spot beside him, completely enveloping herself into the spot where Mickey was earlier. A part of him wants to push her out so that his sheets and pillow will retain his ex’s smell. He worries that it will be the last time the other man will be in this bed and he wishes he had a moment longer to cherish it.   
  
He doesn’t bother answering her, he just settles himself down beside her, listens as her breathing evens out and she falls asleep beside him. He’s not really tired any more, he’s spent most of the day and night in and out of sleep. He feels better already though, the new dose and pills wouldn’t be working this quickly, he feels as if having Mickey around today worked him out of his slump more than anything else.   
  
He feels content in a way he hasn’t felt in a very long time. Even though he is still unsure about their friendship, or relationship. Just knowing that he has Mickey back in some way is enough for him to finally feel like his life fits better than it ever has before, he doesn’t feel so weighed down with guilt that he has been harbouring for so long. What’s done is done, but now Mickey seems to have forgiven him to an extent and they can both fully move on… to whatever maybe between them. All he knows for certain is that he really does want Mickey to finally have the life he deserves, whatever that will be, even if it is with someone else. As much as that thought hurts, he knows it’s true, he’ll do whatever he can to let Mickey be free and happy.   
  
Mickey has had such a rough life so far and seems to be finally catching a break. He’s no longer under Terry’s rule, not scared to displease his dad, not scared to be who he is anymore, not scared to be _gay_. He seems to have built a good relationship with Svetlana, put the whole rape incident aside and moved forward. Ian thinks of all the Sundays he has spent watching the interactions between Mickey and Yevgeny, the way they laugh and play around with each other. The way Mickey watches him with a glint of pure adoration for his little mini me. Ian can’t help the giant smile at just the thought of the two of them, how they have a relationship with each other better than Ian had ever thought they could have.  
  
He really is proud of Mickey, proud of how far he has come already in the time he has been out. He has a job, a loving family and good friends. Ian hopes that the last few months of them wading through the bullshit of their past together, the hurt and misunderstandings that have gone on between them, now that they have been somewhat resolved, maybe Mickey finally has some answers and is at peace. He seems to be handling being around Ian better now after the dinner the other night, after the day they have spent with each other.  
  
He doesn’t know what the future holds for himself at the moment, but he feels like maybe now that he has hashed everything out with Mickey, now that he knows the other man’s life is good, now maybe he can find a way to have some inner peace himself. Maybe that’s what’s really been holding him back all these years, maybe now he can finally settle down with someone, even if it isn’t with Mickey. Although, deep down, he hopes that it is with Mickey.   
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
  
Mickey is tired, no tired would be an understatement, he is fucking _exhausted_.  
  
After spending the day and night watching over Ian he made it home and couldn’t fall back asleep. He lay in bed thinking all morning until his alarm blared to life and he stumbled out of bed to get ready for work. His thoughts had been wrapped up in how, being with Ian again, being so close, had just felt so _right_. Nothing has ever felt like that for him, nothing comes easy, but laying there, talking, touching, it was as easy as breathing, even after all the bullshit they have been through.  
  
It’s only Tuesday and he already can’t wait for the weekend so he can hopefully relax. Kyle has been yabbering on all morning about some stupid party he's planning for his brother’s birthday, Scott. Mickey had hooked up with Scott a month or so after he started working with Kyle. He’s a nice guy. Overly friendly, ridiculously chatty and very obviously gay, but nice. He doesn’t live in New York, comes to visit his brother a few times throughout the year, when he takes his week paid holidays. Mickey had promised him last time they caught up that when he came back to New York, they’d hang out. Apparently it’s all he’s been talking about to Kyle, which is all Kyle keeps talking about to him… he really isn’t in the mood today.  
  
“…and then he said that he really liked your sense of humour, I told him that you aren’t really that funny you’re just an asshole, but he disagrees. Although that got us on the subject off how great your ass is and…”   
  
Mickey looks up from his lunch at Kyle who is sitting across from him at the table, still talking about Scott.  
  
“Jesus Kyle, can you fucking not”   
  
He throws his half eaten sandwich down on the table. Pete, who is sitting next to him drinking from his thermos, eyes him over the rim of his cup as he takes a sip. Mickey has been relatively silent so far throughout their break and he just can’t take anymore of Kyle’s bullshit. He doesn’t want to think about guys right now, well, besides one particular guy, he still has Ian on his mind. The way they spent the day and night together holding hands is still replaying in his mind, over and over again. Ian’s words still running through his mind on repeat.  
  
“That’s what I said to Scott!! Think he has a huge crush on you, probably cause you play hard to get and I think it’s getting him hard if you know what I mean”   
  
Kyle isn’t picking up on Mickey’s serious tone, clearly, the guy has never been one to take a hint. He winks at Mickey as he licks the top of his cupcake.  
  
“Stop winking at me, fucking creep. Look, I’m cool to hang out, but I don’t think anything’s gonna happen between me and your brother”   
  
Kyle puts the cupcake down and eyes Mickey, face turning serious. He lets out a sigh, licks the icing off his top lip and leans over and pats the top of Mickey’s hand.  
  
“I don’t think he’s after a relationship with you Mick, think he just wants a little action”   
  
Usually Mickey would be down for that. But right now, he just doesn’t want anything. He’s consumed by his thoughts on Ian. On Ian getting better, on the possibility that Mickey’s actions since seeing Ian again have possibly caused his set back. He’s thinking about the fact that he told Ian he still loves him, he’s thinking about what this all _means_. He just wants to take a step back and think in fucking peace.   
  
“Yeah, well. I’m not really down for that at the moment alright?”   
  
He busies himself with lighting a cigarette and stands up to walk away from the table to smoke away from everyone, by himself. Kyle still isn’t getting the hint and grabs him by his sleeve as he goes to walk past him.   
  
“When do you refuse no strings action? You seeing somone? Is it serious? Holy shitballs Mick, Do you gotta boyfriend? Why haven’t you told me?”   
  
Mickey pulls his arm away from his friend and shakes his head.  
  
“Calm down with all the fucking questions Kyle. I’m not seeing anybody, just a lot of shit to deal with at the moment and I’m just taking a break from it to focus on some… stuff”  
  
“Cryptic much?” Kyle says as he frowns up at Mickey.  
  
“Annoying much?” Mickey snaps back  
  
“This about the Redhead?”  
  
Mickey’s head snaps over to the direction of the person that asked the question, Pete. He’s still sitting there drinking from his thermos and staring at Mickey. Pete’s not usually one to pry for information, but he’s smart. Reminds Mickey a little bit of Lip, minus all the asshole qualities. Pete’s not much of a talker, but he observes and can analyse people. He’s seen Mickey with Ian a few times at the Dive Bar and Mickey has spoken, briefly, on the subject of Ian being his ex and a little bit about their history, but not much. Clearly Pete’s quite intuitive and has taken the information he has seen and heard and the fucker just _knows_. No point lying to Pete. Mickey’s pretty honest with his friends anyway, no use bullshitting because they’ll get it out of him eventually.   
  
“Kind of”   
  
Mickey replies as he twirls his smoke in between his fingers. Pete just nods at him. He puts his thermos down, lights a smoke and walks over to stand next to Mickey. Finally Kyle has shut up but he has swivelled around on his seat to face the two men smoking so he can listen in, nosey little fucker.  
  
“You alright?” Pete asks.  
  
“Yeah. He’s been sick is all, bit worried. I just… I dunno, we’re good now and I’m not choosing to stop hooking up with people because we’re getting back together or anything. I just want some time to sort my head out a bit.”   
  
Pete doesn’t say anything he just nods his head and leans against the pillar behind him. It’s quiet for a few minutes but Mickey can feel both men glancing at his direction every now and then. Mickey exhales loudly and runs his hand down his face. Might as well let it all out.  
  
“Shit Pete, We both said that we still love each other, I just don’t know what to do now. I don’t know how I _feel_ about it, about _him_. Like, I still love him, but I don’t know if I want to have… more. Ya know?”   
  
Mickey looks at Pete, watches as Pete mulls it all over.   
  
“ You should talk about it with him”   
  
Mickey can’t help but let out a frustrated sigh, he feels like that’s all he has been doing lately.  
  
“I’m so sick of fucking talking about it, we’ve had so many fucking heart wrenching conversations and you know me man, I hate all that emotional crap. But I’ve been trying, and the outcomes been pretty good man. I get why he broke it off, I get how he’s been feeling and all that. It’s good to have the answers I needed and I think it’s been good to be able to tell him how fucked off I was about it all. We agreed to be friends and it’s been fine but, fuck, it feels like we still have something. I dunno, I’m so fucking confused man.”   
  
He butts his cigarette out and instantly feels twitchy without anything in his hands, so he places another cigarette between his fingers but doesn’t light it, he just rolls it in between his fingers and stares at it like it might hold all the answers to his fucked up love life. He feels Pete’s strong hand clap down on his shoulder.  
  
“Give it some more time Mick, let things progress how they should. You’ll both figure it out in the end. Maybe you’ll need to talk it out again soon, when you’re ready. Maybe you’ll get back together, maybe you won’t. Deal with it as it comes, there’s no use over thinking these things. Life has a plan man, it’ll show it’s self when you’re ready for it.”   
  
Mickey let’s out a light chuckle, fucking Pete the life guru. He lights the cigarette he’s holding and smiles up at his friend. It still surprises him sometimes that he _has_ friends, that he can actual open up to someone about this kind of shit, he’s a far stretch from that dirty, angry kid he left in the southside.  
  
“Thanks Ghandi. I just don’t know if we’re good for each other, what we had was intense, fucked up at times and we’re two different people now. I don’t want to be who I was back then. I don’t want to fuck things up for him, or for myself”   
  
He never wants to hurt Ian again, he knows he did a lot of fucked up things to him when they were younger, things he knows he will always regret. At the same time, Ian did a lot of damage to Mickey, things he’ll never truly be able to get over, things he never wants to go through again.  
  
“You’ve changed, he’s changed. Who’s not to say that the world hasn’t pulled you back into each other’s lives because that’s where you’re supposed to be? I don’t know much about who you were back then but I know who you are now and you’re a great fucking guy Mickey, anyone would be lucky to have you in their life. You’ll figure it out.”   
  
Pete pats him on the back and makes a move to head back inside, back to work. Pete’s always been a big believer in things like “everything happens for a reason” and “fate”. Mickey, not so much. He can’t help but smile at the guy’s optimism and at the kind words. Two days in a row, two people that are important to him, have said some pretty fucking nice things about him. It makes him feel uneasy, he’s never been good with compliments, he never really got many though.  
  
He forgets that Kyle was still sitting in front of him until he hears Kyle clear his throat and stand up.  
  
“He’s right you know, you’re a good dude and I’ll lay off the whole Scott thing. Sorry for pestering you, I was just having some fun”   
  
Kyle’s smile is apologetic, and Mickey know’s he’s sincere. He nudges his shoulder into Kyle’s and smiles up at him.  
  
“I know man, sorry for acting like a little bitch. Things have just been stressful lately, didn’t mean to get testy with ya”   
  
Kyle laughs and grabs his things off the table, nods his head towards the lunch room doors for Mickey to follow him back inside.   
  
“ S’all good, you put up with my pestering and I put up with your grumpiness. It’s how we roll homie. C’mon gotta get back to work. Hey, you still cool to hang out with us on Friday night, Scott’s coming to the Dive bar, I’ll make sure he keeps his cool and backs off a bit.”   
  
Mickey nods his head back at his friend. Scott is a nice guy and he has no reason not to hang out with him and his friends. He trusts that Kyle will let his brother know that Mickey isn’t keen, but from what he remembers, if Scott is after something he doesn’t usually give up to easily.  
  
“Yeah man, I’ll be there.”   
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
It’s Thursday and Ian’s feeling better, still a little sluggish but the new dose is working and the new pill is keeping his moods a lot more level which is good. He’s finally back at work today and is a little stressed out about answering any questions. He hasn’t told any of the other guys that he is bipolar, he has told the chief and the shift supervisors but that is all, he doesn’t want to deal with the questions or the possibility that they might freak out or think differently of him. He know’s he’s probably over thinking things, it’s not like it’s unusual for someone to get sick with a cold and take two days off, which is what they'll probably think has happened. But Ian’s always been a little paranoid.   
  
“Hey Gallagher, good to see you back! We missed your lanky ass around here, you all better now?”   
  
Ian can’t help the fact that he tenses up when Eddie asks him if he’s better. It’s a normal routine question to ask a colleague after they’ve been off work sick, but Ian can’t help but worry that they all know the truth. Ian places his stuff in his locker and smiles over at the other man.   
  
“Ahh, yeah I am, thanks man”   
  
Eddie smiles back and nods, leans against the other lockers next to Ian.   
  
“All good, the chief’s got you on light duties this week I see.”   
  
Shit. The chief gave him light duties for the rest of the week because even though Ian is much better, he’s still in his downward swing and he gets tired quickly. Light duties means he won’t over exert himself and should be able to get through a full shift without exhausting himself so that he crashes. Light duties are usually reserved for someone that is injured, he’s worried that Eddie is going to question him further. He clears his throat, hoping to hide any emotion behind his words as he answers his friend.  
  
“Yep”   
  
He hopes that Eddie stops probing. The other man just nods his head, cracks his knuckles. Ian starts to head out of the locker room and Eddie tags along.  
  
“Cool, you working on the weekend?”   
  
He’s instantly relieved for the change of topic, he feels his body relax instant;y. He didn’t realise how much he was tensing up over the thought that someone knows about his illness. He just wants to settle in here for a while before he drops the mental illness bomb on them all. He isn’t embarrassed or trying to hide it, he just wants them to see that being bipolar doesn’t make him a head case like so many people think it does. He wants them to realise that they never would have suspected anything until he told them, and he _will_ tell them. He also just wants to focus on adjusting to his new schedule and get himself into a routine that fits first, he doesn’t want to add another stressor onto his full plate just yet. He needs to work through a few things first, then he’ll tell them all and deal with the questions, and the way people will treat him differently for a while until they get used to it.  
  
“Yeah, I got Friday night off though, working Saturday through til Thursday this week. But at least I got the day shifts and I’m not on call. The chief’s giving me a set scheduled roster, so I’ll be on day’s permanently from now on.”   
  
Eddie completely stops walking and grabs Ian by his jacket. Ian’s a little dumbstruck at first until it suddenly hits him like a bucket of ice cold water; it was stupid to mention the permanent day routine. No one gets only days, they all switch fortnightly from days to nights. Eddie’s gonna know something’s up for sure now. Shit. Ian’s mouth needs a fucking filter to stop him from dribbling shit that he doesn’t want people to know.   
  
“Shit man, how the hell’d you swing that? Gotta pull some serious strings to get off of doing any night shifts”   
  
Ian shuffles on the spot a little, he scratches the back of his neck and wets his lip. His throat is dry and he’s fucking nervous. His eyes dart around, there is too many other people in the room, people that he isn’t so comfortable with yet.   
  
“I ahh… Yeah, umm… personal reasons man. I don’t really wanna…”   
  
Eddie can clearly see how uncomfortable Ian is, so he pulls Ian along and they walk shoulder to shoulder out towards the trucks. Eddie’s usually loud voice softens and quietens down as he starts to reassure Ian.   
  
“Hey man, it’s all cool, don’t have to tell me anything. Lucky son of a bitch though”   
  
Ian glances over at Eddie’s genuine smile as Eddie nudges his shoulder and winks at him, he smiles back and chuckles lightly in relief.  
  
“Yeah, I guess”   
  
They start working slowly, quietly for a moment. Ian glances at Eddie every so often. He knows that Eddie is a great guy, he can already tell that they are gonna be close friends soon. He was pretty cool with Ian when he told everyone he was gay. No one was nasty about it or looked at him differently, except for Stan and Bill but they’re older and both are rather religious so he was kind of expecting that, neither man go out of their way to be hateful, they just don’t attempt to be friendly, Ian doesn’t really give a shit though, he’s dealt with a shit tonne worse.   
  
But Eddie has always been good to him, not just about finding out Ian was gay but he always tries to include Ian in things, make him feel welcome and part of the team. Always asking him question about his family, his life. He’s a genuinely nice guy and Ian feels happy that he can now class him as his friend, not just his colleague. The night he yelled at Eddie after the whole Mickey debacle, he felt like shit, was worried that he had ruined a potential friendship. He was pleasantly surprised when they had their next shift together, when Eddie came up and apologised for butting in to Ian’s personal life. Ian was shocked, Eddie had done absolutely nothing wrong, so Ian apologised profusely and then they just picked back up where they had started from and everything was fine.  
  
“So, you got Friday off? Wanna head to The Dive with a few of the lads?” Eddie asks as Ian walks past him.   
  
“Yeah man, sounds cool. I might just check that it’s Okay with Mickey, my ex, don’t want to fuck up the peace we have going on at the moment”   
  
Ian knows that Mickey is usually down there on Friday nights and he doesn’t want to over step the boundaries of their new found friendship by rocking up there and killing Mickey’s good mood. He hasn’t seen Mickey since Monday night when they spent time together in Ian’s bed when he was down. They’ve texted one another over the last few days, but they haven’t really talked about anything important. As much as Ian wants to, he knows better than anyone when to give Mickey a little space and when to push him, right now, Mickey needs space.  
  
“Ahhhh, I get it, let me know when you’re certain. Hey, all that shit between the two of you going alright now then?”   
  
Ian can’t help the huge smile that spreads across his face when he thinks about how they spent Monday together. It was good, he honestly feels like they have moved past their awkward re-connection and that they are finally at a good place.  
  
“Yeah it is, for now at least. Not sure for how long or what the fuck is going to happen in the future but we’re doing Okay, getting there.”   
  
Eddie squeezes Ian’s arm and smiles at him before he starts walking backwards so he can talk to Ian as he leaves.  
  
“I’m glad man, I’ll see you around, I have some reports and shit that I need to do. Text me later if you’re in or out for tomorrow night.”  
  
  
  
  
  



	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nice long chapter for you all!!
> 
> Thanks for all the wonderful comments and all that, you guys are great :)

Mickey was heading to the dive bar with a few of the guys from work. Kyle’s brother Scott was meeting them there. Emily said she’d head over as well. That wasn’t an unusual occurrence, every now and then (if Svetlana would let her) Emily would meet up with them and have a few beers and then the two of them would head home together.  
  
Ian had messaged him on Thursday asking if he would have a problem with Ian going to the dive bar with his workmates, Mickey of course said no, because he really didn’t, far from it. He was _really_ looking forward to spending time with him again after Monday. He was a little apprehensive about Scott being there with Ian, considering they’ve hooked up before and he wasn’t certain on how Ian would feel about that. Not like they were together or anything, but they were at a good place right now and Mickey didn’t want anything to ruin it. He wasn’t even sure if Ian would care, but he was still nervous about it. He was so unsure about the whole situation that he hadn't told Ian about Scott, which he was really regretting right now.   
  
_I should've fucking told him_  
  
  
Ian had told him that Mandy would also be going so Micky was hoping that tonight would be fun, hopefully. Fuck he was nervous though, Ian and Mickey had been cautiously avoiding getting drunk around each other because of the last time they were drunk and at the dive bar. So tonight would be the first time that they might both be drinking and he really hoped he handled himself better this time, not that he was expecting to hook up with his ex, although he had thought about it. _A lot_.   
  
As his small group rounded the corner and made their way towards the bar, Mickey was a ball of nerves. He stopped for a moment before entering, took a deep breath and then swung the door open and walked in. He glanced around the dimly lit area and spotted the tall redhead immediately, he was with a few of his workmates that Mickey recognised, his sister was also off to the side with Emily already seated at a small table. Another face he recognised was the dark haired man talking to Ian, it was Scott. Ian was noticeably frowning at Scott and Mickey was pretty sure they were talking about him. They both turned their heads at the same time and looked at Mickey.  
  
 _Oh fuck, Oh fuck._  
  
“You guys made it, you took for-fucking-ever! Lucky these lovely fire fighters allowed me to hang out with them whilst I waited. Hey Mickey, you look good. It’s been awhile” Scott said as he walked towards Mickey.   
  
Mickey didn’t know what to do, he looked from Ian to Scott and then back to Ian again. Ian had a smile on his face, but Mickey could tell he wasn’t happy and either Scott had talked about him or Ian was making assumptions on the situation. Which he really coundn't blame him for. Scott was obviously gay, Mickey didn’t have the best gaydar but Scott basically had a neon sign above his head screaming ‘twink.’  
  
It didn’t help the situation that Scott had latched his arms around Mickey and hugged him. Mickey kind of stood there awkwardly and lightly patted Scott on the back, Ian had turned around to talk to his friend so Mickey could no longer see the expression on his face.  
  
“Uhh, Hey man.” He said as Scott pulled away from him. Kyle slapped him on the back and then made his way to the bar. Mickey looked back over to where Ian had been standing to find that the redhead was walking over to the table that Mandy and Emily were at. The guy that Ian worked with that Ian had been talking too previously (Eddie?) was glaring at Mickey.  
  
“Let me buy you a drink?”   
  
Mickey had forgotten that Scott was still standing next to him, he also hadn’t noticed that Scott had linked his arm with Mickey’s. He shook his arm free and began making his way over to Ian, excusing himself from Scott.   
  
“Maybe later, my sister’s here and I’m just gonna go see her, I’ll be back in a minute or so”   
  
Scott made a move to follow so Mickey stopped walking and held his hands up to get Scott to stop. Scott furrowed his brow at Mickey, confusion clearly written all over his face.  
  
“I thought I could just come…”  
  
“No man, go hang with Kyle and that, I’ll talk to you later”   
  
Before Scott could protest, Kyle was by his brother’s side pulling him towards the bar, smiling at Mickey as he did it. Mickey sighed in relief and made his way over to the table. Emily smiled at him, Mandy glared at him and Ian turned his back on him.  
  
 _Fucking great_    
  
He tapped his fingers on Ian’s shoulder, he felt Ian tense up, but he eventually turned around with his stupid fake smile on his face.  
  
"Hey man, can I talk to you for a second” Mickey asked, he stepped slightly away from the table, raised his eyebrow at Ian waiting for him to follow. Ian hesitated for a second, but then he took a step towards Mickey.   
  
“Mhmm, sure”   
  
Mickey looked around the bar, whilst he nervously rubbed at his bottom lip. He _wanted_ to explain about Scott, but at the same time he didn’t want Ian to think that Mickey was worried that Ian was jealous. What if he wasn’t? What if Mickey was making a poor assumption that would just make him look like an idiot?   
  
But as he brought his eyes finally up to Ian’s, and saw the worry in them, he didn’t care, he needed to be straight forward no matter what. For some reason, he couldn’t handle the idea that Ian thought he was here to hook up with someone, someone other than him. Mickey cleared his throat as Ian patiently waited.   
  
“Look, I kind of fucked up, I should have told you about Scott…”   
  
Ian shook his head and a blush spread across his cheeks, he made a move to back away as he spoke.   
  
“It’s fine Mick, it’s none of my business who you…”  
  
Mickey was right, Ian thought he was here for Scott. Mickey quickly shortened the distance that Ian had made between them and grabbed the redhead firmly by the arm shaking his head at him.  
  
“Let me finish man, Scott’s Kyle’s brother, and yeah… we hooked up a while back, _once!_ I’m not interested in going there, _Seriously_. He’s here to hang out with all of us and I’ve already told Kyle to tell him to back off. Scott’s a little shit and clearly isn’t taking his brothers advice. I should have told you though, I just… I wasn’t sure if…” Mickey trailed off unsure on what to say.   
  
He was about to say that he wasn’t sure if Ian would care? Ask if they were going somewhere? He still wasn’t sure if either of them _actually_ wanted to get involved with each other again. He didn’t know how to actually ask all of this so he just stopped talking. Ian crossed his arms and bit his bottom lip. Mickey kept watching Ian’s face to gauge his expressions as Ian seemed to be contemplating what Mickey had just told him  
  
“I have no right to stop you, you don’t have to push someone away because you don’t want to upset me, or make me jealous. You have a life Mickey, I know that and I can accept that.”   
  
It was hard for Mickey to pinpoint Ian’s exact meaning, he could really take it two ways. Ian still cared for him and as an ex he didn’t want to see Mickey hooking up with someone, but he would deal with it. Or he wanted more from Mickey but he didn’t think Mickey did, and he was willing to stand by and let Mickey move on because Ian felt like he had lost.   
  
Why the fuck can’t they just be honest with each other? Mickey knew the answer for himself anyway, putting himself back out there to the person that had ended it with you, broke you, was fucking terrifying. Rejection was terrifying. He was just going to fucking put himself out there… a _little_.  
  
“Honestly Ian, I’m not interested in him at all. I’m here to get drunk, hang out with my friends and… hang out with you too, _not_ to hook up with Scott. I just wanted you to know that, for whatever reason… I don’t know if it matters to you or not, I dunno... _fuck_ , I wanted you to know that...that I’d rather hang out with you and not him… I… I really wanna hang with you tonight…. Jesus, I need a drink.”   
  
_Right, so he was shit at getting his point across and he just looked like a bumbling idiot, awesome._   
  
He didn’t look at Ian the whole time he spoke and the moment he stopped rambling he quickly made a move to walk off towards the bar for a quick escape, too scared and embarrassed that he’s said too much and ruined the comfortable friendship they have now by seeming too keen, but before he has even taken two steps away he was stopped by Ian’s hand on his shoulder.  
  
“Hey Mick”   
  
Mickey swivels around to face Ian, a bright beautiful smile is on the taller man’s face. And Ian just has this _look_ about him, that one he used to get when he was 16 and found Mickey endearing. He remembers snapping at Ian whenever he would look at him like that, but he _likes_ this look, it means Mickey said something or did something that made Ian happy.   
  
“Yeah”  
  
“Thanks… honestly… I was kind of pissed. He was talking about you and I just… I really have no right to be, but…” Ian blushed and began scratching at the back of his neck, he darted his eyes around the bar and then looked back at Mickey and smiled.   
  
“I really wanna hang out with you too”  He said shyly and Mickey instantly feels those stupid gay butterflies in his stomach from such a simple sentence coming from Ian and having him look at him that way, the way that he used to look at him.   
  
_This is so fucking gay._   
  
Mickey clears his throat and looks around awkwardly, trying to get his nonchalant image back. He nods a little at Ian and then looks back up at him, that stupid grin on Ian’s face is making it hard for Mickey not to copy it.   
  
“Cool man, lemme just grab a drink and I’ll be back. You want anything?”   
  
Ian lifts his half full glass of what looks to be soda and shakes his head   
  
“Nah I’m cool, not drinking tonight, new meds and all”   
  
Mickey had forgotten about the recent turn of events, considering Ian seems to have bounced back from his depressive episode so quickly. He feels like an asshole for it though.  
  
“Shit, sorry… Didn’t think about that”   
  
Ian just throws him a beaming smile and starts walking backwards towards the table where the girls are still seated. Mickey realises that he’s still standing in the same spot watching Ian walk off, he shakes his head and turns around heading towards a free space by the bar so he can grab a drink. Whilst he was leaning on the bar waiting for the bartender to serve him, Ian’s workmate slid over next to him.   
  
“Hey man” The taller man mumbles out as he settles himself against the bar facing side on to Mickey. The guy is looking him over furrowing his brow and Mickey can already see that this is gonna be an awkward conversation.   
  
“Uhh.. Hey?”   
  
The guy sets his glass down on the bar and crosses his arms as he begins to talk sternly to Mickey.  
  
“Look, Ian’s a cool guy and it’s not my place to get involved with his shit, I don’t want to start shit but, he really likes you and I know you got history and he told me he’s the one that fucked it up but… He’s trying to make things right and a blind man could tell that that guy still has it bad for you. He’s new here and he aint got a lot of friends yet but us boys, we like him and we’ve got his back. I just want you to know that, none of us want to see him hurt.”   
  
Now, if some guy Mickey didn’t know came up to him and spoke to him like this a few years ago, Mickey would’ve punched first and left the guy bleeding on the floor, no questions asked. Thinking it over for a moment, If any guy had warned him not to hurt his ex’s feelings after what Ian had done to him in the first place, he would’ve been met with the same beat down. But he and Ian have somewhat resolved their sticky situation, he can now look a little more clearer as to what Ian’s reasoning was behind it all, it still sucked and it still didn’t completely make sense, but Ian had been sorry and was pretty cut up about it. And although Ian has this whole tough guy persona, he’s fragile underneath and Mickey already knows that he is a sore spot for Ian and anything Mickey says or does has quite an effect on his ex.   
  
Ian’s always had minimal friends too, the ones he did have in his manic days of clubbing and taking drugs, didn’t give a shit about him. So for once in his life Mickey looks at this situation objectively, Ian has people that care for him, people that want nothing in return from him, they just want him to be happy and they want to have his back. He finds himself respecting this guy for being so forward with him, taking Ian under his wing after only knowing the red head for about 6 months, he’s still a little pissed off though. He may be a changed man, but he’s still a Milkovich and his blood boils easily to threats. He turns to the man, puffs his chest out and glares up at him.  
  
“You’re right, it’s none of your business. Ian’s a big boy anyway, he can take care of himself… _But_ … I’m glad that there are people looking out for him. You don’t have to worry, I’m not gonna hurt him. I care about him too and if this is about Scott… I’ve talked to Ian about it, Scott and I aren’t anything and I didn’t bring him here to rub it in Ian’s face. He’s my friend Kyle’s brother, he’s just here as a friend.”   
  
They both stand there staring at each other, Eddie caves first and uncrosses his arms to pick his glass back up off the bar and take a mouthful. Mickey keeps staring him down, waiting for the man to say something else. Eventually the man puts is glass back down and relaxes against the bar. He turns his face back towards Mickey and smiles at him.  
  
“All good man, I just wanted to say my piece is all. That Scott guy was blabbering on and on about you and Ian’s face man… Literally swear I saw the guy’s heart fucking break right in front of me.”   
  
So Mickey already knew that Ian was a little upset and pissed off about Scott, but heartbroken? Shit, maybe Ian is more into him than Mickey thought. He’s still a little unconvinced about whether pursuing an actual relationship with his ex is a good idea for either of them, but knowing that perhaps Ian is as into him still as Mickey is, warms his insides. Makes his head swim with thoughts of possibilities that this might have for the two of them.   
  
“Really?”   
  
The shock in his voice surprises not only the man in front of him, but himself. He’s usually pretty good at hiding his emotions when he speaks, especially with new people who don’t know his tells, but this time his voice is thick with it. Eddie shakes his head in disbelief at what he obviously thinks is Mickeys idiocy   
  
“Yeah man, guy was shattered when Scotty boy started talking about how he hooked up with ‘Mick’ and he couldn’t wait to repeat the performance tonight and tomorrow and the day after… The guy didn’t shut up, Ian looked like he wanted to slog him at one stage.”   
  
Mickey takes a quick glance over his shoulder where he left Ian and the girls, they’re all talking away but he can see Ian eyes continuously flick over in his direction. He looks a little curious and a bit apprehensive about his colleague and Mickey chatting away at the bar. If you didn’t know him well, you would think he was absorbed in the conversation he is having, but Mickey can see his tense posture and the way he keeps shifting his feet and tapping his fingers against his glass.   
  
At that point the bartender had made his way over so Mickey ordered a beer and a shot, downed the shot straight away, nodded his head to Eddie and then made his way back over to the girls and Ian. He sat down next to Ian and they all started talking for a while until Pete made his way over with Kyle and Scott trailing behind. He moved his stool closer to Ian’s so the other boys could sit down at the table, Ian visible tensed up the moment Scott sat down, extremely close, on the other side of Mickey. Scott leant over Mickey and started to talk to Ian.   
  
“So I’m assuming you know Mick?”   
  
His voice was laden with curiosity, but you could see that Scott was put off by Ian. Maybe because he was talking about Mickey to Ian beforehand, thinking that he was talking to someone who had no knowledge of who Mickey was, considering the way that Ian and Mickey are now pressed up against each other, thigh against thigh, arms leaning on the table less than a hair away, they _obviously_ know each other very well. An idiot could tell that Scott was _not_ just curious, he was very jealous.  
  
“Yeah I do” Ian replied staring intensely in to Scott’s hazel eyes, almost challengingly.   
  
“How?” Scott scooted closer to Mickey, making it look as if he was trying to hear Ian’s response better over the noise in the bar, but obvious to the other two men, by the way Scott pressed his leg against Mickey’s other thigh, he was trying to stake his own challenge to Ian. Mickey just rolled his eyes and tried, unsuccessfully to put space in between him and Scott.  
  
“I’m best friends with his Sister, we all grew up together” Ian said through gritted teeth, eyes flicking between Scott’s eyes and Scott’s thigh that was touching Mickey’s. Mickey couldn’t help the fact that he kind of liked seeing Ian jealous, especially over him after all this time. He wanted to reassure Ian, and show off how important the redhead had been, still was in fact, in his life.   
  
“We used to date actually” He said as he took a mouthful of his drink, nudging his arm against Ian’s and winking at him. Ian turned to face him and smiled. Scott made an over exaggerated look of shock and surprise on his face that made Mickey snicker into his glass.   
  
“Oh my god, really? Shit, I had no idea… When was this?”  
  
“Before I went to jail… First boyfriend, we were on and off for three or more years, it’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had.”   
  
Scott looked back and forth between the two men, before landing his eyes on Ian and smiling. Mickey turned to face Ian and found the redhead furrowing his brows in thought.   
  
“Longest relationship? Meaning you’ve had more than one?” Ian asked him. Mickey just nodded his head and looked down at his drink, this was going to be an awkward conversation. He shifted in his seat a little before answering Ian.   
  
“Umm… I had a boyfriend when I was locked up, for a few years…”   
  
“Another inmate?”   
  
He hadn’t realised that the other occupants at the table were paying attention to their discussion until Mandy butted in with her question, he glanced around at all the inquisitive faces. He never really went into a lot of detail about his life in prison, which meant he never talked to anybody about Zac.  
  
“Yeah, couldn’t really go to a fucking gay bar and meet someone at the time, could I Mands?… His name was Isaac, he was in for armed robbery, still in there actually. We didn’t really see the point in staying together whilst I was out and he still had a few years left on his sentence.”   
  
The people at the table all nodded away, he could see they had more questions. Ian cleared his throat and licked at his bottom lip and looked at Mickey for a moment before asking him a question he looked nervous to ask.   
  
“You, ummm, you gonna wait for him? Start back up when he gets out?”   
  
He instantly was brought back in time to when he had asked if _Ian_ was going to wait for him, he felt his chest tighten as the painful reminder hit him hard. He cleared his throat and tried to shake off the feeling, he noticed Ian wince a little, obviously he remembered that conversation in their past too, or maybe he just noticed Mickey wince at the sentence and _that_ reminded him, either way Mickey saw the regret flash across his face.   
  
“Nahh… We never really talked about it. When he gets out he’ll still be in Chicago anyways and I’m here, no point in starting back up”   
  
Ian nodded his head, turned his gaze over to the other side of the room, now looking lost in thought. Mickey met Mandy’s eyes from across the table, she had been scowling at him for most of the night, he had no idea what he had done to piss his sister off, but clearly _something_ was up with her and knowing his sister as well as he did, it wouldn’t be long until she cracked and spilled the beans.  
  
The table sat there in silence for a moment, most of his friends were taking furtive glances at him, clearly still inquisitive about Zac. They were brought out of their silence by Scott, who directed the conversation back to Mickey and Ian. Asking his question and pointing between the two of them.   
  
“So, who broke up with who and why?”   
  
Jesus, this guy was pissing him off. Scott looked a bit drunk at this stage, and Mickey was losing patience with him. Between the annoying questions and the little touches he kept giving Mickey, he couldn’t help but lose his cool a little and snap at the other man.  
  
“None of your fucking business” Mickey growled out at the same time that Ian replied also. “I did, cause I’m an idiot”   
  
Mickey took his glare off of Scott the moment he registered Ian’s words, his demeanour immediately softened as he turned and looked at his Ex’s saddened expression. Mickey was shocked to hear Ian say that so bluntly, especially in front of so many people. Before he could sort out a response, Scott draped his arm around Mickey’s shoulder and pulled him close to himself.   
  
“Damn straight, if I had someone like Mickey here I’d never let him go”   
  
Mickey was still shocked by Ian and before he could push Scott off, tell him to fuck off, like he wanted to, Kyle pried Scott off of Mickey and put his brother in a head lock, ruffling his hair playfully and chastising him.   
  
“Scott you’re such a fucking light weight and your mouth has no filter when you’re drunk. I’m cutting you off for a while bro, you need to chill”   
  
Pete placed one hand on Kyle’s shoulder, the other on Mickey’s as he spoke to the group of people.  
  
“We should play pool or something, C’mon guys. See you in a bit Mick, play a round in a few?” He winked at Mickey and squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. Thank god these guys had his back and were intuitive enough to take Scott away before he said more stupid shit and before Mickey completely snapped and decked the fucker. Mickey smiled at his group of friends before they left, eye’s lingering on Pete’s at the end.   
  
“Sure thing Pete”   
  
The moment the men left the table, with Scott throwing glares over his shoulder clearly directed towards Ian, Emily whistled between her teeth turning all the attention towards herself.   
  
“Well…. _That_ was fucking awkward.” She said before she began laughing, the rest of the table following suit. Mandy didn’t laugh she just shook her head and looked at Mickey incredulously.  
  
“No shit, I can’t believe you let that guy fuck you. You have the worst taste in men”   
  
Mickey gave her the finger, made his way off of the bar stool so that he could grab anther round for the table. He clapped one hand down on her shoulder and the other on Emily’s before he left, he replied.  
  
“I fucked _him_ and trust me, it was a onetime thing and I was really fucking drunk and it seemed like the only way to make him shut up. Stop judging me assholes, and my taste in men isn't half bad at least _some_ of the time” He finished his sentence of, looking at Ian and winking at him before he left.  
  
  
When he made it back to the table with the drinks he brought for everybody, he sat back down next to Ian. Not as close as he was previously because Ian seemed to be lost in thought still, not joining in or paying any attention to the conversation that was going on around him at the table. Mickey nudged him a little to get his attention, Ian smiled at him tentatively before going back to his thoughts as he stared into his glass. Mickey was worried that he’d said or done something, so he tried to pry it out of Ian.  
  
“You’ve gone all quiet on me Gallagher? What’s up?” Mickey said to Ian as he nudged him again.  
  
“Sorry, just thinking… I mean, I knew you hooked up with people and like, Simon was a kind of a fuckbuddy or whatever for a while. But you said Isaac was your _boyfriend_. For you to call someone that, it had to have _really_ meant something”   
  
So Ian was still stuck on that conversation, Mickey sighed and nodded his head before replying truthfully.  
  
“It did”   
  
Ian ran his fingers along the rim of his glass, looked over at the bar, purposely avoiding Mickey’s eye’s it seemed.   
  
“I’m just surprised, I guess” The taller man eventually stated, shrugging his shoulders a little before taking another mouthful of his drink. Mickey kept his eyes on Ian the whole time and watched as Ian finally looked at him over the rim of his glass as he swallowed.   
  
“Thought you’d be my one and only hey?” Mickey tried to joke with Ian a little, trying to lighten to mood that now seemed tense between them. His comment had meant to be light hearted but Ian shook his head furiously, seemingly frustrated that Mickey had replied in that way.   
  
“No!! I’ve said it a million fucking times already, you’ve _changed_. It wouldn’t be hard for you to find a guy willing to be your boyfriend; I’m surprised that you’re single actually…. I just didn’t realise that you’ve already _had_ one, besides me. I bit shocked I guess. Especially considering you guys only ended because you got out, wondering why you don’t plan on going back”  
  
Mickey just shrugged his shoulders at him. He _had_ thought about it, more so before he had left. Isaac had discussed it with Mickey a lot back then, especially when his time up got closer and closer. They never really came to a decision, Mickey said they would just let things go until the time came when Zac would be out and then maybe they could see where they stood. Honestly though, he hadn’t thought that much about Zac lately, but when he did he just couldn’t imagine their relationship continuing on the outside. He glanced over at Ian who was waiting for an answer; the redhead was leaning on the table staring intently at Mickey. He cleared his throat and took another drink, thinking about how to answer a question that he really didn’t have an answer for.   
  
“I dunno, he’s a good guy, but I don’t think he plans on going legit like I have. His family’s all in on illegal shit, reminds me a lot of like how things were for me and my brothers with fucking Terry. We did drugs and weapon’s, they do armed robberies and deal a little. We kind of bonded over that shit. Plus, he’s not out like I am. His dad’s a lot like Terry. I don’t want that life; don’t wanna be around that shit anymore. I have a clean slate here and I’m taking it, I don’t want anything getting in the way of what I have now.”   
  
Mickey was a little surprised at his answer, now that he thinks about it, having Zac in his life again would have the potential to ruin what he has already achieved since he’s been out. He doesn’t really fit into the plans he has for him and his family’s future. Zac reminds him so much of himself when he was still striving for his father’s approval, jumping at any opportunity to show his father that he was a loyal Milkovich that would do whatever was asked of him, no matter at what cost.   
  
Zac was nowhere near ready to be who he really is, not to his family and he sure as shit isn’t ready to live without them. His brothers idolise him and his father says he’s the next in line to take over the business, and that’s what Zac wants to do. He’ll hide being gay for the rest of his life happily to keep the life his family has planned for him. Mickey can’t be around that shit anymore. He won’t allow himself to be put in a position where he could get thrown in jail again, where he could miss out on another ten or more years of his son’s life. He won’t hide being gay anymore, fuck chicks to keep his family from finding out he’s gay, he shudders just at the thought of a vagina.  
  
“He could move here, get away from all that shit.”   
  
Mickey looked up and found that Ian was still staring intently at him, it was a little unnerving. He could see Ian taking in all the information Mickey was giving him, he was probably watching Mickey’s face as he thought about Zac, looking for any hidden emotions, picking it all a part and analysing it all. Mickey hated the feeling that Ian was putting him under some kind of microscope. But he understood it, he had questions about Ian’s past relationships too that he wanted to ask.   
  
_Why didn’t any of them work out?_  
 _How many had he been in?_  
 _Had he loved any of them?_   
  
The opportunity to pry into Ian's past, delve into all the years he missed when he was away, it had never come up so he understands that now that Ian has some insight and an opening to ask all these questions about Mickey, of course he’s going to take them. He would if he was in his ex's position.  
  
“He could, but he won’t. He’s way under his dads thumb man, he won’t leave his family, it’s all he’s got, it’s all he lives for.”  
  
“He might leave, for you.” Ian spoke quietly, hesitantly. Mickey watched the emotions flicker across the redheads face.   
  
_Ian was worried that Mickey wanted Isaac still._   
  
A part of Mickey still cared for Zac, but now that he had Ian here, standing in front of him, single, clear headed and obviously wanting Mickey again if what Eddie had said was true, and if Mickey’s instincts weren’t off.   
  
Isaac didn’t stand a chance, no matter what happened in his life Mickey could _never_ completely erase his feeling’s for his first love, now that they were around each other again all his feelings had come back full force and he couldn’t imagine being with anyone other than the beautiful man in front of him. It shocked him a little to fully comprehend all of this in this exact moment. He should be scared at that realisation, but he wasn’t. He closed the distance between the two of them, moving his stool closer so that his thigh was pressed up against Ian’s again. Ian looked at him curiously as Mickey smiled at him.   
  
“Maybe, but I don’t think I really want him to, not _anymore_ at least.”   
  
He watched the realisation hit Ian, watched as he registered Mickey’s meaning. He knew the moment Ian understood by the flush of colour that tinted his cheeks and the huge grin he tried to hide behind his glass. Mickey raised his eyebrows up and smirked back and watched Ian chuckle and shake his head. It was fucking adorable, Mickey couldn’t help grinning at the sight of it.   
  
  
  
  
Eventually his workmates made their way back to their table, everyone was now well on their way to being happily drunk. Mickey felt great; he and Ian spent most of their night glancing over at one another, sharing secret smiles. There was no flirting, no intentions to what they were doing, they were both just happy with where they were right now, both completely wrapped up in happy thoughts of where all this might be leading to.  
  
Mandy roped Mickey into playing a game of pool against Ian’s workmates, much to Mickey’s surprise. Mandy had been acting strange all night. He noticed her staring at him from time to time and the look on her face had him worried, she was clearly mad at him for some reason. During the pool game when the other team was taking their shot, Mickey finally broke the awkward silence between them, he’d had enough of her lingering glares.   
  
“The _fuck_ is up with you tonight?” He barked out at her as she leant over to taker her shot, she huffed out, her fringe floating in front of her eyes as she glared up at him before she took her shot. She slammed her cue into the ball sending it flying with more force than necessary, making her miss the pocket. She returned her glare back on him, as if it was his fault she missed.   
  
“What do you mean?”   
  
Her tone was cool and calm, but Mickey could tell she was holding back her anger, her knuckles were white as she held on to the pool cue too tight. The guy’s they were playing with, Jarod and Steve, looked between themselves, clearly feeling the awkward tension between the siblings. Jarod moved towards the table, clearly avoiding the area that Mandy was standing, and took his shot.   
  
“You’ve been giving me the evil eye all night, I’ve been trying to figure out what the fuck I’ve done to piss you off but I’m coming up blank Mands, so you wanna let me in on what your problem is?”   
  
Jarod had pocketed his ball, so it left Mickey some time to stare his sister down, both of them leaning against the same side of the table less than a foot or two away from each other. Mickey waited her out, not breaking eye contact, even after Jarod had missed his shot and it was now Mickey’s turn. Both siblings were in a standoff, Mandy flicked her eyes towards the table, then back at her brother with her eyebrows raised; silently telling him it was his turn. He just crossed his arms and held on, he was waiting for an answer and he would wait until the crack of dawn to get it.   
  
“Fine!!” She finally cracked, slamming the end of her cue on the ground in frustration “Yes I’m pissed at you! I’m trying to figure out if you lied to me about not wanting to be with Ian again or if you’re just messing with him, leading him on. Either way I’m pissed off!! I _told_ you how I feel about the two of you. I don’t understand why you can’t _just_ be friends? Someone’s gonna get hurt and I’m going to be the one who suffers!!”   
  
He hadn’t been expecting _that_ , Mandy had voiced her concerns about the two of them, but he had no idea it was actually bothering her this much. He was pretty pissed off about it, about what she just said. How _dare_ she accuse him of trying to fuck Ian around, she knows how hard the break-up had been on him. She knows how much he had loved him, cared for him. He felt the burning hot rage boiling up inside him. His hands balled into fists automatically, raring for a fight. But this was his sister, he could never _actually_ hit her, so instead he shook his head from side to side and let out a sinister chuckle.  
  
“Jesus Christ Mandy, everything _always_ has to revolve around you doesn’t it?”   
  
By now, the other two men had moved away from the table, out of the corner of his eye he watched as Steve brought Ian back over with him, towards Mandy and Mickey. Great, just what they needed, Ian getting involved in this. He held his attention towards his fuming sister, refusing to back down.  
  
“Fuck you!!” She yelled as she threw the pool cue down on the table, knocking the balls around ruining the game. Ian, Jarod and Steve just looked on in confusion. Mickey just shrugged at them and put his pool cue down, apologising for the abrupt ending of the game as he watched Mandy storm past Ian who tried to stop her, she just shook him off and continued her way over to the bar to order herself more drinks. Ian looked at him obviously for some sort of an answer to what the hell was going on, Mickey just shrugged again and made his way over to his work mates, ignoring Mandy and her tantrum for now. He knew that she needed time to cool down and sober up, as did he, before they hashed this all out.  
  
Back in the day an argument like this would lead to them yelling and screaming, storming off and then acting like nothing happened a few hours later, but this time was different. They were older now and he knew that he couldn’t let this argument fester for too long, he’d bring it up with Mandy in a few days, when they were calmer.  
  
  
  
  
For the rest of the night Mickey and Mandy ignored each other, Mickey stayed with his workmates on one side of the bar, whilst Mandy, Ian and Emily sat on the other side with Ian’s workmates. He was still fuming with her about what she had said.  
  
 _Fuck her, it was between him and Ian if they chose to get back together, she had no fucking right or say in what their relationship would be._   
  
Pete had finally managed to calm Mickey down enough by talking about his time travelling when he was younger. Pete’s voice always had such a soothing tone, it always managed to calm Mickey down somehow.   
  
“Mick, I’m sorry if I made things awkward with your ex” Scott said, slurring his words slightly.   
  
Scott had originally calmed down after Kyle forced him to sober up a bit, but now that the night was getting closer to the end, Scott had started drinking again. Now that the other men were preoccupied by the girls dancing on the other side of the bar, he had taken the opportunity to try and talk to Mickey again. Mickey couldn’t help the fact that the moment Scott mentioned Ian, his eyes automatically drifted towards where the redhead was dancing with Emily.   
  
“Nah man, It’s all good, don’t worry about it” Mickey told him, he eventually turned his attention away from Ian to smile at Scott. The other man was a mess, his hair was sweaty and sticking to his forehead, his face flushed red from alcohol. Mickey laughed at him, causing Scott to grin and preen at the attention. Scott took this as a sign to lean closer to Mickey and placed his hand on his upper thigh as he spoke into the other mans ear.  
  
“I was wondering, while I’m in New York, we should catch up again. Go out for a few drinks, maybe dinner”   
  
He moved his head slightly back to stare into Mickey’s eyes, winking at him at the end of his sentence. Mickey just shook his head at him and sighed.  
  
“I don’t think so. Look, I know you like me but I’m really not interested. I’m just taking a break from everything and focusing on my family and shit.”   
  
Mickey nervously looked up and over to the direction Ian had last been in, to find Ian glaring towards the two of them over Emily’s shoulder. Mickey’s eyes widened at the pure look of rage on the redheads face, and then widened again as he felt Scott slide his hand up his leg and grab him firmly, between the legs. Mickey jumped slightly in his seat and directed his full attention to Scott who was smiling mischievously at him. Scott licked his lips, and then pressed his mouth to the shell of Mickey’s ear, his breath making him shiver as his words tickled his ear.   
  
“Still gotta get laid sometime and it can just be a booty call if you wanna skip the drinks and dinner”   
  
Mickey moved Scott’s hand away from his crotch, and stood up, backing away from the other man, his eyes darted over to where Ian was, to find him gone, he scanned the crowd and couldn’t see him anywhere.  
  
“Look man, I’m really not interested, booty call or not, It aint gonna happen Scott, back off alright.”  
  
Mickey was freaking slightly, _where the fuck did Ian go?_ He kept looking around, but still couldn’t spot him. While his eye’s frantically scanned the bar patrons, Scott stood up and moved towards him again, a look of lust and pure determination across his face. His voice was loud and whiny when he spoke again.  
  
“Just, at least let me blow you in the bathroom or something, You gotta give me something Mick, I’ve been thinking about fucking you for so long, let me at least get to taste your…”   
  
His voice was cut off by Ian’s, the redhead seemingly coming out of nowhere and placing himself between the two of them, his full stare directed at Mickey, his back to Scott. His whole persona and body completely blocking Scott out of Mickey’s space, everything was just _Ian_.  
  
“Mandy’s wasted Mick, we’re gonna head off and I think Emily wants to go too. If you want I can catch a cab with them and let Emily take it the rest of the way, that’s if you’re planning on staying here or heading somewhere else with _someone else_?”   
  
Ian crossed his arms and waited for Mickey’s answer, it felt like he was almost daring Mickey. Mickey was pretty sure Ian was giving him an ultimatum of sorts, Scott or him. Mickey didn’t even hesitate. He nodded at Ian, grabbing him by the arm and directing him to the other side of the bar, not even bothering to give Scott a backwards glance or a goodbye.  
  
“Let’s take these drunk bitches home, firecrotch”   
  
  
  
Considering Mandy couldn’t stand and Emily was only in a slightly better condition than her, the boys decided to call a cab, planning to drop Mandy and Ian off first. It was one hell of a struggle to get the girls in the fucking cab. Emily eventually sat up front, talking to the cabbie like he was her best friend, Ian sat in the middle of Mandy and Mickey in the back, Mandy had her head on Ian’s shoulder, holding on to consciousness just barely.   
  
“Sorry for interrupting you and Scott” Ian finally said to Mickey once they were on their way. Mickey side eyed him, taking in Ian’s slightly nervous and embarrassed demeanour and chuckled at him, Ian turned his head around and glared at Mickey.   
  
“No you’re not” Mickey replied through a wide grin. Ian shook his head, blushed slightly and laughed back at him. “No I’m really not”   
  
Ian looked Mickey in the eyes and both men held that eye contact, smiling at each other. There wasn’t much room in the back of the cab; they were pressed up against each other, thigh to thigh, shoulder to shoulder. Mickey broke the eye contact first, looking down at Ian’s hand that was resting on his own thigh, he deliberated for a moment on whether to make the move he wanted to and with the slight help of the alcohol coursing through his system he mustered up the courage and reached for Ian’s hand with his own. His fingers laced through Ian’s and Ian squeezed it tightly.  
  
“I already told you I wasn’t interested in him” Mickey mumbled out as he kept his eyes trained on their intertwined fingers. Ian nudged him a little in the shoulder, making Mickey bring his eyes back up to Ian’s bright green ones and his smiling face.   
  
“Yeah well, he seemed pretty intent on _persuading_ you otherwise, I only caught some of the conversation and I doubt he was talking about wanting to _taste_ your cooking…”   
  
“Unless you call baby batter something I cooked up…” Mickey said, wiggling his eyebrows at Ian.  
  
They both laughed loudly, Ian’s whole upper body shook from it causing Mandy to stir and groan beside him. Emily had obviously been listening in to the conversation because she started fake gagging loudly in the front seat bringing both of the men’s attention on her.  
  
“Urgghhh, that’s fucking gross Mick. Never _ever_ call your semen baby batter, I’ll never be able to look at your pancake’s again, let alone eat ‘em”  
  
Once the laughter subsided, Emily went back to conversing with the cabbie and Ian and Mickey settled into the quiet silence in the back, hands still locked with one another’s. Ian began rubbing circles with his thumb on the back of Mickey’s hand, Mickey took the contact a step further by leaning his head on Ian’s shoulder, closing his eyes and focusing solely on the feeling of Ian sitting beside him. He was startled when the cab stopped and Ian began ushering Mandy out of the cab, once they were both out Ian stuck his head back inside looking awkwardly at Mickey.   
  
“I… I’m working most of this week, but I’ll be around for Sunday night dinner at yours. Do you think… Can we… can we talk then? Ummm… _privately_?”  
  
Mickey nodded, he was ready for this. He wanted this. He finally found his voice to give Ian a verbal confirmation. He wanted Ian to know that he wanted to talk.  
  
“Yeah, sounds good man.”   
  
“Okay, great! I had fun tonight… so… thanks.”   
  
And then he lent forwards and lightly kissed Mickey on the mouth. It was so quick that Mickey barely had time to react, when Ian pulled away he looked at Mickey sheepishly and Mickey couldn’t contain the ear to ear grin and flush of red that crept across his face.   
  
Ian smiled back before he made a move to close the door, but before he could Mandy stuck her hand in the way to stop it yelling out a “wait!” startling both of the boys. She pushed Ian aside and stuck her head in where Ian had been just moments before, the glare she had been directing at Mickey all night, still on her face.   
  
“We need to talk, tomorrow afternoon, I’ll text you”   
  
Before he could reply she slammed the door and tapped the top of the cab and the cab sped off.


	18. Chapter 18

Ian watched as the cab sped off, Mandy swaying along drunkenly beside him. He turned to look at her and took in just how drunk she was, hair a mess all over her face, eyeliner smudged, and cheeks flushed red. He sighed and looped his arm around her waist as he began guiding her towards their apartment building. Once they were inside and waiting for the elevator he took a moment to think about the events of the night.   
  
Scott had been a pain from the beginning right up until the end, the way he had spoken about Mickey before the blue eyed man had arrived had almost completely shattered Ian. In that moment Ian had thought that all hope was lost, that whatever they had shared on Monday was just a fleeting moment. Mickey hadn’t felt what Ian had, obviously because here Mickey was, inviting some guy out that he planned on hooking up with, with Ian there like it wouldn’t matter in the slightest.  
  
But Mickey had completely surprised Ian by telling him that he had no intentions to be with Scott, and the way he looked when he told Ian that he wanted to hang out with him more, the way he blushed and stumbled out his words, god he had to hold himself back in that moment from kissing him right there and then.  
  
Scott had still pissed Ian off throughout the night, the looks he kept giving Mickey and the way he propositioned him just before they left had almost made Ian completely lose it and smack the guy out. He was thrilled when Mickey didn’t even hesitate to leave with him, leave Scott behind clearly pissed off and unsatisfied, Ian basically sauntered out of the bar with Mickey by his side like the cat that got the canary.   
  
The elevator pinged loudly as it arrived, the doors opening as Mandy shuffled inside and Ian followed. Mandy pressed the button for their floor as Ian lent against the cool metal of the elevators walls, his face was flushed and he hadn’t even had a sip of alcohol all night. Why was his face so warm? He placed his cold hands against his cheeks and felt the tingle of warmth hit the coldness of his palms. He bit his lip as the realisation hit him, he _kissed_ Mickey. He was flustered and warm because he kissed Mickey and it had been a completely conscious thing to do, no alcohol involved (at least not for him).  
  
He felt the warmth hit his cheeks again as he began to blush from the memory. It hadn’t been a very sexual or sensual kiss, just a gentle press of lips against lips for a brief few seconds, but it meant more to him than a thousand kisses from any other man.  
  
“You’re cheeks are red like your hair” Mandy mumbled out childishly as she looked up at him from the other side of the elevator through drunken half lidded eyes, she swayed a little and then placed her full weight against the wall, closing her eyes as they slowly made the ride up.  
  
Ian hummed in agreement, bringing him out of his thoughts briefly as he watched her. She looked a mess, she had hit the bar pretty hard tonight, and she hadn’t been her usually bubbly self at all but had been quiet and aloof all night. She’d had some kind of argument with Mickey at some point, his friend Steve had pulled him away from a conversation he was having with Mickey’s friend Pete to drag him over towards the pool tables, freaking out over a fight the Milkovich siblings were having. By the time he got there, Mandy had thrown her pool cue down in a huff and stormed past him, brushing him off when he tried to stop her. He had tried to pry it out of her later, but she had avoided the question and dragged him and Emily off to the dance floor instead, he was very aware that she had avoided Mickey for most of the night, especially after that. Well, until the end of the cab ride when she sternly told Mickey they needed to talk tomorrow.  
  
The elevator finally reached their floor and the two of them made it slowly towards their apartment door. Mandy tried to get her keys out to unlock the door, but she kept dropping them so after the third time of dropping them in a row, Ian sighed and picked them up and unlocked it instead and let Mandy stumble her way inside. He watched her make her way to the kitchen and pour herself a glass of water, he lent against the door frame and continued to watch her thinking about _why_ she was so mad at her brother. Once she had finished her drink she glared over at him.  
  
“Why you staring at me?” She spat out, staring back at him.  
  
“What was with you and Mickey tonight?” He asked her, watching as she flinched just at the mention of her brother’s name and drew her eyes away from his, turning around and placing her glass in the sink as she answered him.   
  
“Nothing, I’m going to bed”   
  
He followed her as she began making her way to her room, talking to her back as she tried to walk away from him.  
  
“It didn’t _look_ like nothing Mandy, I know _you_ , you were weird with him all night, and you had that argueme…”   
  
She spun around in her doorway so quickly that Ian almost walked right in to her, he took a step back as she began yelling at him, face red and eyes narrowed in anger.   
  
“Shut up! I don’t want to talk about it, just… just go to fucking bed Ian! You’ve got work in a few hours, just go to sleep alright”   
  
Ian sighed and took a careful step towards her. He had been racking his brain since they walked in, as to why Mandy had been acting so oddly. All he could come up with, was that she was mad that Ian and Mickey might be getting back together, she had voiced her concerns a few times and he just couldn’t get _why?_   
  
A thought popped into his mind, an idea he’d had previously, when he was seeing other people. Mandy would sometimes act terrible towards Ian’s partners because of the fear she had of being replaced. Maybe that was it?   
  
“Mandy, I’m just worried you’re getting involved in whatever is going on between Mickey and I and… Look, you’re important to me too you know. I won’t ditch you or anything for Mickey if the two of us…”   
  
Mandy cut him off abruptly, slamming her hand in frustration against the door frame. He jumped at the noise and looked at her. She just rolled her eyes at him and shook her head.   
  
“You’re such a dick sometimes Ian! I’m not fucking _jealous_! You boys are so fucking stupid, I swear to god. Jesus, I am too drunk for this, lemme' go the fuck to sleep, 'kay?’   
  
She didn’t let him speak, instead she slammed the door and locked it before he could object and push her into telling him what was going on. He sighed in frustration and reluctantly made his way to his own room to settle into bed.   
  
He didn’t want Mandy’s bad mood to ruin his good one, but it was hard when he thought the two might somehow be connected. Even though she said it wasn’t about her being Jealous, Ian still didn’t doubt that her anger had something to do with him and Mickey. She wasn’t happy about the possibility of something going on between him and his ex, she had voiced her concerns from the very moment they saw his ex, her brother, again. A terrible thought popped into his mind, making him sit up abruptly in his bed. She had been warning Ian off of attempting anything, had she been warning Mickey too?   
  
He groaned loudly at the thought and then shuffled back under the covers, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in but no matter what he did, he just couldn’t get comfortable. He sat up and rubbed the heel of his palms to his tired eyes, it wasn’t the bed that was stopping him from sleeping, it was his brain. His thoughts were on overdrive, thinking about Mickey and Mandy. His phone lit up beside him, the message tone reverberating through the room loudly, the moment he saw who the message was from he felt his stomach flip with excitement.  
  
_Mickey._   
  
**Mickey:** Hey hope I didnt wake u I just wantd 2 tell u that I had fun 2night 2 u didnt give me a chance to tell u b4   
  
Ian laughed at the adorable message, he _hadn’t_ given Mickey a chance to reply to him earlier, because then the overwhelming urge to kiss him had come up and he had just done it without thinking. He was about to reply when his phone went off again.   
  
**Mickey:** Just in case u wantd 2 no if I did or whteva   
**Ian:** Good, I’m glad :)   
**Ian:** And you didn’t wake me btw, can’t sleep   
  
Ian added the last text, kind of hoping that Mickey would take the hint that he wanted to keep texting, He wasn’t disappointed when his phone instantly lit up with another text just seconds later.   
  
**Mickey:** Me 2   
**Ian:** Why can’t you sleep?   
**Mickey:** Y cant u?   
  
Ian rolled his eyes, some things might have changed over the years they spent apart, but clearly Mickey’s insecurities to let his guard down first hadn’t. Not that Ian could really blame him though, whenever he seemed to do so, Ian fucked it up by acting like a dick. He pushed those thoughts aside, he had changed and he was going to do this right and if that meant he had to make the first move or showing vulnerability, he would, no matter how scary it was to do so. He began typing, hesitating briefly before closing his eyes and hitting send with one shaky push of a button.   
  
**Ian:** Too much on my mind… Like the fact that I kissed you, that I really liked kissing you and I want to do it again.   
  
He waited and waited for the message tone to come, his stomach churning from the fear that he put too much pressure on Mickey too soon. When the message didn’t come after a few minutes, the pit in his stomach grew and he was really worried that he’s pushed too far too quickly and Mickey was making an escape plan, but then his phone came to life, the message tone ringing loud and clear and dispersing some of his worries away, he still didn’t know what the message said yet so he wasn’t completely at ease. He swallowed the lump in his throat and unlocked his phone and opened the text.   
  
**Mickey:** Same   
  
_Well that was a little anticlimactic._   
  
Ian thought about what ‘Same’ really meant in Mickey’s weird language. He was opening up by agreeing with Ian, but what the hell was he agreeing to? Ian figured that the conversation was going alright so far, maybe it was safe enough to push a little further.  
  
 **Ian:** So does that mean you want to kiss me or that you’ve got too much on your mind? Gimme a little more information Mick, I’m dying over here!  
**Mickey:** Fuck U   
**Mickey:** Both   
  
Ian sighed, it was like pulling teeth with Mickey some times. But, he would take what he could get and this was a lot more than he was expecting after all the shit they had been through. He could only imagine how hard of a decision it would be for Mickey to even think about letting Ian in again. He wanted Mickey to know that he was thinking about him, about them.  
  
**Ian:** A lot of the stuff on my mind is about you, if that counts for anything.   
**Mickey:** It does I’m thinkn bout u 2 but also Mandy  
  
There she is again, the proverbial thorn in their sides.  
  
**Ian:** Same, she’s been weird; I have an idea about it though   
**Mickey:** Well?   
**Ian:** She doesn’t want you and me to get back together; I think she’s being a bitch to keep us apart. I don’t know why though.   
  
Oh shit, he hadn’t meant to mention the getting back together part, insinuating that it was happening. He kind of had to say it though, because he really did think that was what Mandy’s problem was about. But he just sent that in a text, to _Mickey_ … they haven’t talked about that being a possibility and now Ian’s scared he just freaked him out. The longer he waits for a reply, the more he’s freaking out that Mickey’s freaking out.   
  
**Ian:** I’m not assuming that you want to get back with me, hoping, but yeah…   
  
No reply.   
  
Ian starts typing madly on his phone, trying to fix this.   
  
**Ian:** That’s what I kind of wanted to talk about on Sunday, I didn’t want to spring that on you in a text but I kind of did it, didn’t I?   
  
Nothing back still.  
  
**Ian:** Please don’t be freaking out????   
**Mickey:** Chill we can tlk bout it Sundy  
  
Ian doesn’t feel _chill_ about any of this. He knows Mickey. They’ve been taking baby steps just to get this far, now Ian feels as if he’s pushed Mickey unwillingly across some line he wasn’t ready to step over. That’s the last thing he wants to do. He wants Mickey to be comfortable with him, with _them_. That’s why he’s been doing this so gently lately. Now Ian feels like he’s just fucked it all up.   
  
**Ian:** You’re freaking out though, aren’t you?   
**Mickey:** Clearly U R!! Jesus Red i said chill  
  
Ian doesn’t reply. He puts his phone down and just shuts his eyes. If he keeps replying, it’ll just be crazy bullshit because Ian’s freaking the fuck out and Mickey’s just going to think he’s a fucking idiot. Everything he said since mentioning the possibility of them being together again has been a jumbled mess. Better to deal with it when he has a clear head, in the morning, if he can actually get some sleep.  
  
His phone comes back to life after fifteen minutes of silence. He’s so scared to read what Mickey has sent him that his hands are shaking as he reaches for the phone.   
  
**Mickey:**  UR right I freakd out. I new tht was what we were goin 2 talk bout, but seeing those words made it real and it freakd me the fuck out.  
  
Ian’s stomach flips and he instantly feels sick. Mickey doesn’t want this, even though he made it seem like it was an option earlier. But now, now that Ian has somewhat verbalised the idea of getting back together, Mickey’s having second thoughts. Ian doesn’t blame him, he was an asshole. It still hurts though. He’s holding his phone in his hand, unsure about how to reply, when his phone goes off again. He sighs and begins reading the next message.   
  
**Mickey:** Im not sayin thats not an option, it’s just scary. After evrythin thats happend u gotta understand man that Id be a little worried. I dont wnt 2 b. But I am. Gimme time to deal ok?  
  
Relief floods him. He still has a chance, it’s not over, he can still win Mickey back. He types a message and deletes it… too corny. He types another one and deletes it too… he sounds too desperate. He types out another one and re reads it twice before finally sending it. Fingers and toes crossed that it’s not too little or too much.  
  
 **Ian:** I know Mickey, I am too. I want this though, so bad. I want to make this right with you, with us. I’m willing to do whatever you want, I’m willing to wait forever until you’re ready if that’s what it takes.   
  
He knows he still sounds desperate, but he doesn’t care, he _is_. He wants him back more than he has ever wanted anything else in his life.  
  
 **Mickey:**  U’d suck me off wheneva I wanted?   
  
The memory of _that_ time (although Ian said that years ago) still hits him hard. He was so angry with Mickey back then and the beginnings of his disorder had started to show, making matters much worse for the two of them, when he had said that. It made their reunion such a mess.   
  
He was pretty mean to Mickey at the time, even though Ian was hurt by Mickey marrying Svetlana, he still acted like an asshole when Mickey was clearly just as hurt by the whole thing and trying to make it up to Ian. Mickey’s giving Ian the same ultimatum Ian gave him when he came back home, when Mickey wanted to start up their relationship again. Mickey did everything Ian asked back then, without barely any hesitation. It hurts to think that maybe Mickey plans on torturing Ian for a while, not that sucking Mickey’s dick is torture, making Ian feel like shit by bringing up their messy past is.   
  
Even though Ian’s hurt by the snarky message he bites back his anger and disappointment as he types out a reply.   
  
**Ian:** If that’s what you really want me to do, I’d do it. I told you I’d do anything to make this right, to have another chance with you. But I want to do this properly. I was messed up back then and I screwed it up. I want a proper chance for the both of us. I can’t take back the things I did and said, I wish I could Mickey. I’m sorry.   
**Mickey:** I didnt mean 2 b an asshole just then, I was joking. I mean, I’ll take the blowjobs if you’re offering.  
**Mickey:** I no ur tryin Ian, I can c it. Im not mad any more, and u shouldnt feel guilty any more either. If we do this, we do it right. I want more 2.  
  
Ian feels his whole body vibrate with excitement. Mickey basically just agreed to try again. Ian’s ecstatic. This is the right step, they’re almost there. It feels almost too good to be true.   
  
**Ian:** You do? Really???  
 **Mickey:** Yeah, I fuckin do. Dont sound so surprisd, I thought I kind of showd u I was interested tonight? We held hands and shit 4 fucksake!   
  
Ian laughs quietly, he feels practically giddy from these stupid messages. He looks at the time on his phone and groans. He has work soon, he really needs to sleep and he’s been yawning through the last few messages. He reluctantly types out his last intended message.   
  
**Ian:** I’ve never been that good at reading your signals sometimes Mick  
 **Ian:** As much as I am enjoying this late night convo, I have work early. So I have to try and get some sleep. Thanks for messaging me though, you kind of made my night :)   
**Mickey:** Shit, I forgot u wk 2morrow. Get sum sleep man, I’ll c u Sundy though, right?   
**Ian:** Yeah Mick, you couldn’t keep me away if you tried :) Good luck with Mands tomorrow  
  
Before he puts his phone down, he thinks about what Mandy is probably going to tell him tomorrow. He knows that she’s going to try and stop them from reconciling and he doesn’t want her to change Mickey’s mind, he at least wants the opportunity to plead his case on Sunday if she _does_ say something to Mickey. So he shoots off a quick message, to warn Mickey and try and put his mind to rest.   
  
**Ian:** On that topic, please don’t let her change your mind on maybe giving us a go. Please just talk to me about whatever she says, so we can decide this together. I want this, I’m ready for this and I promise you that I won’t ever make the same mistakes again Mick. No matter what she thinks, I’m in this if you’ll just give me another chance.   
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
Mickey re reads his message’s that he and Ian had sent each other in the early hours of the morning. He re reads the last message a few times as he waits patiently for Mandy to show up at his house. Mandy’s already kind of warned Mickey off, and by the sounds of things, she’s done the same to Ian. It’s a little annoying that she’s butting in now, when everything went to shit before she had no input when he needed it the most, but _now_ she’s kicking up a fuss.   
  
There still is a possibility that her bitchy attitude has nothing to do with whatever has been going on with him and Ian, but he highly doubts it, especially since Gallagher voiced his concerns on the matter too.   
  
_Gallagher._   
  
He still can’t quite believe what they talked about last night. He _had_ freaked when he saw Ian’s text with the words _‘us getting back together’_ in them. He read them over and over again, unsure how to comprehend the whole thing. He thought so long and hard about it that a flurry of messages came through from Ian, who was freaking out that Mickey was freaking out.  
  
Which, to Ian's credit it. he fucking was.   
  
After the night they had had, the kiss in the car, he knew when Ian asked for them to talk privately on Sunday, It would have something to do with the possibility of getting back together. And he was looking forward to it, he felt that he was ready. Until it became a reality and suddenly he was freaking out like a scared little bitch. But as he read Ian’s messages he realised that he wasn’t the only one who was scared.   
  
He was scared to get hurt but Ian was scared that Mickey wouldn’t take him back, wouldn’t forgive him and give him another chance. And _that_ got Mickey thinking, how many chances had Ian given him? How many times did Mickey break his heart? And Ian always let him come back, more than not without even having to apologise or grovel like Ian was doing now, for Mickey to forgive him.   
  
And Mickey _had_ forgiven him, he just wasn’t able to forget and stop it from still hurting or scaring him. But above all else, he knew that he wanted to try. He was fucking terrified of Ian hurting him again, but he was more terrified of letting him go and never finding out if they could’ve made it.  
  
“Aunt Mandy’s here Dad. I’m heading to the mall with some friends, Emily’s gonna take me. Can I have some money?” Yevgeny said as he lent on the back of one of the kitchen chairs.  
  
“You’re mom gave you a twenty this morning, and I heard you scam another ten outta Ems before. Sorry kiddo, I scammed people my whole god damned childhood, you can’t slip that shit by me” Mickey scoffed out at his kid.   
  
The Milkovich blood was very present in his child that was for sure. Yev raised his eyebrows (just to prove Mickey’s point) and then stood there pondering for a few minuted before directing his blue eyes at his father’s matching ones.  
  
“Not even like ten bucks for putting in the effort?” Yev said as he smirked up at Mickey.  
  
“Jesus, you’re an asshole kid. Here, take it.” Mickey said as he handed the ten dollars over, because the kid was amusing and he kind of sucked at saying no to him.   
  
“Thanks old man” Yev said as he placed the money Mickey had given him into his own wallet. He laughed when he took in his dad’s angry face.  
  
“Enough of that old man shit too Yev, you know I fucking hate it”  
  
“You could give me a twenty, maybe I’ll reconsider the new nickname?” Yev yelled over his shoulder as he walked away, Mandy entered the room and ruffled Yev’s hair as she walked past her nephew.  
  
“Fat chance you little shit!” Mickey yelled out to his son’s retreating form and made his way to the kitchen avoiding looking at his sister. He heard the front door close, so he knew that Yev and Emily had left, leaving him and Mandy alone in the house. He was nervous for some reason.  
  
“Hey” Mandy said quietly from behind him. He didn’t turn around, instead he reached up in to the cabinets in the kitchen and pulled out two coffee mugs. He turned his head slightly and smirked when he saw his sisters dishevelled appearance as she lent on the kitchen counter beside him.  
  
“Hey yourself, you look like shit. Pretty hungover?” he said, chuckling slightly when he watched her roll her eyes and then immediately clutch her head. The movement must have caused her pain, he found it highly amusing to be on the other side of a hungover this time.   
  
“Yeah, laugh it up asshole”   
  
So he did, causing her to punch him in the arm.   
  
“You want coffee?” he asked as he started making a fresh pot  
  
“God yes!” She said as she left his side and made her way over to the kitchen table, placing her head tiredly on top of it. Mickey went about making the coffee, then brought it over to her, taking the seat next to hers. They both sipped at their drinks, not directly looking at each other until Mickey had enough of the awkward silence and spoke first, getting straight to the point.  
  
“So, you said we need to talk?”   
  
“Yep, about you and Ian” Mandy deadpanned, the angry expression from last night back on her face.  
  
“What about me and Ian?” Mickey asked gruffly, he assumed that this would be the subject that they would be talking about but he was still a little shocked and angry that he was right.   
  
“Come the fuck on Mickey, it’s so obvious that something is either going on, or about to go on with you two, and I want it to stop now.” Mandy said harshly, slapping her open palms down harshly on the table to emphasise just how mad she was. Mickey rolled his eyes and then straightened up in his chair.  
  
“You don’t get a say on whatever happens or doesn’t happen between me and Gallagher. The fuck gives you the right to demand what we fucking do?” He growled out, he searched for his packet of smokes and lit up at the table. Emily and Svetlana will be pissed when they get home and smell the smoke inside, but right now, with how he just knew this conversation was going to go, he didn’t really give a shit. He needed this to calm him down.  
  
“Because I’m the one that has to pick him up off the floor when you fucking destroy him” Mandy all but screeched back at him. And with that one sentence Mickey recoiled from his sister.  
  
 _The fuck?_  
  
“Jesus, I was the one who was fucking destroyed Mandy!! _I’m_ the one that’s probably gonna get destroyed again, if we do this, not _him._ So don’t fucking worry yourself about your precious little boyfriend” He sneered at his sister.   
  
What she said hurt, because he was the one that spent years trying to mend his broken heart by himself after Ian had left him broken, completely shattered and alone. What right did she have to think that he would be the one to hurt Ian. He continued to stare his sister down and watched as her face dropped and a sad expression fell over her features.  
  
“I’m worried about you too! What if you get yourself sent to jail because of him again? You went to Juvie twice because of him, Jail once for a very long fucking time... I’m worried that could happen again. You got shot at three times because of Ian, you have a bullet wound in your thigh from a jealous ex, you got one in your ass from the wife of another guy that he was fucking, and his bitch of a sister shot at you too! What’s next, a life sentence in jail or a bullet to your head? Because each time Mickey, it got worse and worse!!”   
  
A few tears had begun to trickle slowly down Mandy’s face as she spoke her fears to her brother, His heart lurched at the sight and at the words she was speaking. He didn’t realise she actually worried this much about him, that she really cared what happened to him. He honestly thought all she cared about in this situation, was Ian.  
  
“Something bad always happens to you Mickey! You’ll be gone and I’ll never see you again and Ian will be a mess. It’s the way you two always work out. Every fucking time, one of you leaves and the other falls apart, no matter who fucks it up one of you _leaves_ and the other falls _apart_! What the fuck am I going to do then, I don’t want to lose either of you, ever again…”  
  
Mandy was full on bawling now, tears streaked her face and snot ran from her nose. Mickey’s anger towards her had completely evaporated. She was scared that he would leave her, that Ian would too. Not in the sense that they would move away, move on together. She was worried that something extreme would happen, he doesn’t entirely blame her for thinking so irrationally. Considering he’s been in prison for so long because of Ian, not that Ian was to blame for Mickey attempting to murder his sister-cousin (whatever the fuck she is), Mickey made that decision himself. But he can see why Mandy would be worried, Him and Ian together, created a chaotic ending time and time again. He takes a deep breath and then reaches out and holds her hand. She looks up at him, her eyes still brimming with tears.  
  
“Jesus Mandy. We were kids back then, I was a fucking _idiot_ and Ian was too. I’m never ever going to Jail again, I can _promise_ you that. Hopefully Ian doesn’t have another ex or a crazy family member that’ll shoot at me either. I’m not going anywhere Mandy, and if we are getting back together, we’d do it right this time, if it doesn’t work out at least we know we can live without one another. We’ve done it for years now and both managed to survive.”   
  
“Ian won’t, if you leave him again, he won’t Mickey. I know you think I’m making this about myself but it’s not… I’m scared one of you won’t survive it this time.”   
  
She clutches on to his hand like it’s a life line, her eyes wide with fear. The pain in Mickey’s heart swells as he thinks about how Ian and him trying this again could completely crush Ian if they fail. It would completely crush him too, he realises. But who’s to say they won’t make it this time? They’re older and wiser and he knows that he is determined to make this work if they try this whole relationship thing again, Ian seems to be on the same page. They’ve barely talked about it, but Ian’s shown him so far that he’s sorry and determined to do things right this time. He’s a little pissed that they haven’t even decided to try again, and already someone has doomed them to fail.  
  
“You’re talking like it’s inevitable that we’d break up.” Mickey barks out, a little anger rising in his voice. Mandy just leans back in her seat and rolls her eyes at him.  
  
“C’mon Mick, Your relationship was _always_ such a shit show from start to finish. What makes you think you’ll be different this time round. The shit you put each other through, I have no idea why you would even consider giving it another go. It’s why I… I thought maybe… Maybe you were doing this to fuck with his head, Payback or some shit.”   
  
Mickey slides his chair back nosily across the floor, Mandy flinches at the sound and at the look of pure rage on her brothers face.  
  
“Are you fucking _serious_? I fucking… I wouldn’t! How could you… I mean…”   
  
Mickey is totally dumbstruck by the idea that he would do something so cruel. Does his sister really think so little of him? He gives her credit though, she at least looks completely embarrassed by thinking that way now that she has said it out loud. She quietly begins trying to calm him down, apologising and trying to explain her thoughts.  
  
“I know Mickey, I was being an idiot. I just… I couldn’t imagine _why_ you would want to try again, after he broke your heart so badly the first time”   
  
Mickey runs a shaky hand down his face as he tries to think of a way to explain why he still wants Ian. He knows their relationship wasn’t exactly perfect, which was by far his fault a lot of the time. He sighs deeply and starts playing with his lighter on the table.   
  
“It wasn’t all so bad, we had a lot of good times between all the fucked up shit we put each other through.”   
  
He chances a glance over to where Mandy is seated, she’s wiping at her nose with her sleeve and furrowing her brow, in thought. He’s never been good at opening up, it’s more of a Milkovich trait to swallow your feelings down and pretend like you're tough and nothing can possibly hurt you. He’s better now at showing how he feels, it’s still a hard task. He swallows a mouthful of his now cold coffee, grimacing at the taste but relishing in the dryness instantly leaving his throat making it easy to speak again.  
  
“At the beginning, when we first got together, I was fucking _terrified_ and I lashed out at him. I thought it was all his fault, making me feel shit for him. He was the first person I ever fell for and he was a _**guy.**_ I was shit scared to feel things for a boy, and so I… I fucked up, time and time again. The best way I knew how, I was mean and nasty towards him, trying to just make it all just… Stop. I needed it to stop. I _couldn’t_ be gay Mands, I just… It took me years to finally be okay with how I felt for him about being gay, it took losing him to the Army and shit for me to realise that not having him was worse than pretending that I was straight to please Terry and every other homophobic prick we knew.”   
  
He can see Mandy listening intently to him speaking, he’s never discussed his feelings about being gay to her before, he’s not ready to go in to too much detail with all the years of emotional abuse he put himself through with denying it for so long, denying how he felt about Ian too. He’s never talked about what he did to Ian back then either, Mandy’s shifting in her seat a little uncomfortable with hearing his thoughts on it all, his take on why he treated Ian so badly. He lights another cigarette and notices his hands shake, this is the most he’s ever opened up to her about his past, it feels awful.  
  
His counsellor was wrong all those times he said it’d make him feel better telling her what he went through internally when he was a kid. This isn’t even the worst of it, he can’t imagine talking to her about what Terry did to them both emotionally and physically. He’ll keep _that_ one in for as long as possible, bottle it up Milkovich style seems like the best place for those feelings. He shakes his thoughts off on that subject and tries to remember what he was talking about before his mind drifted.  
  
Him and Ian.   
  
The way he was at the beginning of the relationship and then the way Ian was after….   
  
“I did alright then, when Ian came back, I actually tried and I thought we were both ready to do this whole thing properly, but then Ian… He was _sick_ and confused Mandy, and he got scared and then _he_  started causing the damage to us for a change. He wasn’t okay and I was scared of losing him and I tried so hard, _too hard_ , but that just made him freak out more. I smothered him and he was already drowning…. We both know we fucked up, we both have forgiven each other for all that shit. It’ll always be there, but at the end of the day Mandy we both remember all the good times we had, and maybe we both feel now that we’ve spent some time apart and sorted our personal shit out… Maybe we think it’s time for us to finally be okay with each other. Maybe now is the right time for us to finally be together, properly.”   
  
He stops speaking and looks at his sister. He wants to reassure her that he won’t be fucking this up, on his side of things anyway. He hopes and prays that Ian feels the same way. It feels weird preaching all this shit to Mandy when he and Ian haven’t even discussed it properly. It feels premature proving to her that they’re going to be okay, when he doesn’t even know what the hell they’re actually doing yet.   
  
“Yeah, but can you really both put all the shit you did to each other behind you?”   
  
He makes his way over to the sink and dumps the rest of his cold coffee out. This whole conversation has him craving something stronger, he reaches up for the bottle of jacks and grabs two shot glasses, bringing it back to the table where Mandy is sitting looking tired, drained and still worried as she chews on the sleeve of her hoodie anxiously. He fills up both of the shot glasses, pushing one in her direction as he quickly downs his own. She looks hesitant, probably because of her hangover, but she downs it anyway. Barely wincing as the burning liquid slides down her throat, like a true Milkovich. Mickey pours himself another one, slamming the empty shot glass down as he finally answers her.  
  
“I dunno Mandy. All I know is that I’d rather fucking try and see if we can, than regret not trying when I had the chance. That’s exactly what I’d fucking do if I walked away now, I’d regret it for the rest of my life… He was it for me back then Mandy, and even though all these years have passed, even though I’ve been with other people and so has he… I look at him now Mands… and I still think he could fucking be it for me. I feel something with him that I just don’t feel with anybody else.”   
  
Mandy rolls the empty shot glass around on the table, biting her lip as she mulls over the words Mickey is saying. She settles the glass down and pours herself another shot as Mickey just watches her. She downs it and then reaches over for his cigarettes, lighting one for herself and exhaling the smoke out towards the ceiling as she stares up at it. She eventually brings her eyes back down towards her brother.   
  
“I’m still worried Mick.” She says, biting her lip aggressively. Mickey huffs out a humourless laugh at her and shakes his head.  
  
“So am I, more than you’ll ever fucking know. But I _want_ this Mandy, I want him and I’m willing to put it all on the line for a chance to be with him again. If it doesn’t work out, we’ll fucking deal. We’ve done it before”   
  
He shrugs at his last words, acting like it’s no big deal if this reunion doesn’t work out. They both know better, they both know it’ll end in heartbreak and disaster if it does end.  
  
“You know for sure that Ian’s gonna actually try this with you? I’ve seen how he is with all of his relationships Mickey, he goes in hard at the beginning and then he loses interest. He gets bored and bails. Why do you think you’re any different from the rest of them?”   
  
Mandy doesn’t look at her brothers reaction to her words as she speaks, she just keeps smoking her cigarette, watching the smoke fly out of her lungs in grey clouds, watches the ash burn from red to grey on the cigarette, watches anything but her brother forlorn expression as she attempts to change his mind.   
  
Mickey wasn’t expecting that, it makes him seriously begin to question the idea of getting back with Ian. Why would this relationship last if none of Ian’s others did? No doubt they were healthier than what Ian and him had originally, and now if they start up they’ll be bringing a lot of baggage with them.   
  
_Shit._   
  
Mandy’s side eyeing him, checking his reaction out now that he's taken so long to speak, her eyebrows raise up in question, and this makes Mickey angry. She knew telling him this would hurt and make him doubt getting back with Ian.  
  
“I don’t know… Jesus Mandy. Why are you being so fucking difficult about this? Why are you trying to put me off of doing this? I know you know Ian wants to fucking try, so why are you trying to make me second guess him?”   
  
Mickey glares at her, but Mandy doesn’t meet his eyes. She butts out her cigarette and makes a move to stand up. She’s putting her jacket on as she speaks to him, but she still won’t look at him and it’s pissing him off.   
  
“I just… Look. Do whatever the fuck you want to do, but when this gets messy, and I can almost _guarantee_ that it will, don’t come crying to me for help. I have a shift in an hour, I gotta go. Just… promise me you’ll think it over some more and if you _do_ decide to give it a shot, go slow. For your sake and for his.”   
  
She leans down and kisses his cheek, surprising him, before she walks out without even a backwards glance in his direction.  
  
He sits at the kitchen table and thinks the whole conversation over, Mandy’s thoughts and fears are ringing through his head, the idea that Ian’s going to treat this like all his other half assed relationships is stuck in his thoughts. He grabs his phone and reads the messages that Ian has sent him over and over again. He has a huge decision to make, and another conversation about him and Ian to have, with Ian this time. Now he’s more conflicted than ever on what the hell the two of them are going to do.   
  
_Fucking Mandy._


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually really love this chapter... I hope you all do to :)  
> As always, thanks so much to everyone that reads and comments and leaves kudos. I feel so overwhelmed with all the love I get for all of the fics i write, I love you all!

Sunday rolled around and Ian had been counting down the hours all day,until he finished work, until he would met up with Mickey at the usual Sunday family dinner. He was nervous and excited. Mandy had come home from her shift late last night, so he hadn’t been able to find out what her and Mickey had discussed earlier and how it all went down. He had almost messaged Mickey to get some information out of him, but decided to give the man some space, he didn’t want to annoy him and potentially scare him off. So, yeah… He was pretty on edge thinking about what was going to happen at dinner tonight. He was currently packing up some of the gear they had used today while he thought things over when the station chief pulled him aside.   
  
“Gallagher, I know you haven’t been here for too long so I’m not sure if you’re aware but we have a company picnic coming up. Thought I’d hand deliver you the information, you can bring your family if you’d like. It’s a great way to really connect with your other workmates, on a more personal level. I’d really like it if you’d make it a priority to attend this one. Let me know closer to the date, the wife’s keen to meet you, can’t let her down!”   
  
Instantly he thinks of Mickey and Yev. He wants to bring them. Yevgeny had gone on and on about checking out a firetruck when he found out what Ian’s job was. He just knows he’ll love it. He wants to bring Mickey, have him meet all of his work friends and show him what he does. He wants him to be proud of what he’s accomplished with his life. The idea has him almost bouncing on the balls of his feet, he looks at the flyer the chief has given him, the date is a month away. He has a month to make Mickey his boyfriend, make him comfortable with coming to a work picnic with his son and Ian.   
  
“Sounds great chief, I’ll definitely try to make it.” He says with a huge smile. The chief chuckles and slaps him on the back. “  
  
Alright hotshot, now get out of here. You’re shift finished a while ago”   
  
This makes Ian flick his eyes immediately over to where the clock is, he’s worked fifteen minutes past his shift, he has to get out of his uniform and put all this equipment away before he can leave. He’s going to be late for dinner at Mickey’s, shit.  
  
“Oh shit, I totally forgot the time. Thanks chief, I’ll see you later!”   
  
Ian hurried out of there as quickly as he could and headed home for a quick shower. Mandy wasn’t there when he got home, she must have left without him. He jumped in the shower quickly, he was already late but he wanted to look good, considering tonight would be the night to make sure Mickey was as interested as possible, he wanted to make sure he looked hot enough that his ex would have to say yes to dating him.   
  
Oh god. Was dating going to be okay with Mickey? Or did he just want to skip it all and go to being boyfriends straight away? That’d be too much too soon though, maybe they’d be fuck buddies… oh god, Ian really didn’t want to start out like _that_ again.  
  
His thoughts were a complete mess as he got dressed and drove over to the Milkovich house. He was almost an hour late when he arrived. Emily let him in and smirked at him as he hung up his jacket. Before he walked off she stopped him and looked at his shirt shaking her head in amusement.    
  
“Let me fix these for you, Jesus you must be really nervous Ian. You’ve done all your buttons up wrong”   
  
Ian looked down at his shirt, holy hell he was a mess. Emily chuckled as she began undoing them all and doing them back up properly. Ian tried to peek around the wall to see the dining room table, but he could only just make out the back of Svetlana’s head and Yevgeny’s side profile. Emily grabbed his face in her hands and brought his attention back on her.  
  
“Mickey seems pretty nervous too, you men are fucking hopeless. Everything’s gonna be fine, you’re into him and he’s into you. Chill out”   
  
Ian huffed out and bit at his lip whilst Emily brushed her hands down the front of his shirt, trying to get the creases out.   
  
“Has he said anything to you about what’s going on?” he asked her quietly. Emily stepped back and looked him over seemingly happy with her fix it job and smiled at him.   
  
“He mentioned you were having a chat after dinner. Relax Ian, eat dinner have a beer and calm yourself. You’re acting like a teenager about to go on a date with your first crush”   
  
Ian blushed and scratched at the back of his head awkwardly, he felt so fucking nervous for some reason. All of the dates he had ever been on paled in comparison to this talk he was planning to have. Thanks to Emily he was now shitting himself over the idea of a possible first date with Mickey. He’d be a fucking mess when, _if_ , that ever happened.  
  
“I _feel_ like a fucking teenager with my first crush. Oh my god, he _was_ basically my first teenage boyfriend so it’s kind of true, I mean I dated my boss before him, but he was really old and…”   
  
As per usual, Ian’s default setting when he was nervous was to ramble. Thankfully Emily shut him up by putting her hand over his mouth and then she started guiding him towards the dining room stopping before they turned the corner so that no one could see them. She took her hand away and gripped him on his shoulders tightly, staring him dead in the eyes with a serious expression on her face.   
  
“Shut up and go shove food in your face before you dribble more embarrassing shit”  She whispered out to him and then she gave Ian a quick hug for encouragement. He hugged her back, instantly feeling less nervous thanks to her.   
  
“Sorry Ems” he mumbled out when they pulled apart, she just winked at him and then made her way around the corner, clapping her hands to get everyone’s attention much to Ian’s embarrassment.   
  
“Ian’s here everybody” she told them all, Ian turned the corner with a flushed face and looked at all the dinner guests already seated and eating reminding him that he was late, he avoided looking directly at Mickey. He was too nervous.   
  
“Sorry I’m late. I was stuck at work a little longer than usual” Ian apologised as he took his seat between Mandy and Yev, which was also conveniently directly across from Mickey, who he still couldn’t seem to get the courage to look at yet. He was so scared that Mickey wouldn’t be happy to see him or that maybe Ian would look at his ex and be able to see that he didn’t want to try this again, like it would be written all over his face or something. Ian was in panic mode and he knew it.  
  
“S’all good man, we only just sat down.” Mickey said, causing Ian to finally look at him. Mickey looked happy and really fucking hot.   
  
He had clearly put in more effort than usual and that had Ian’s hopes soaring. He beamed a huge smile over to the other man, his cheeks felt tight from the huge grin that he just couldn’t hold back. Mickey had his hair slicked back, he was clean shaven and Ian could smell the cologne on his freshly cleaned skin. He trailed his eyes down to check out the black buttoned down top he had on. Yep, Mickey dressed up, this was a good sign.   
  
“You look nice” Ian finally managed to say as he drew his eyes back up to Mickey’s bright blue ones. Mickey blushed and looked down at his food, moving his peas around with his fork, he eventually looked back up and smiled at Ian.   
  
“So do you”   
  
Ian smiled back and felt his own blush creep up his neck and hit his cheeks. _Jesus, this was so fucking weird._   
  
Ian picked up his fork and began eating his food, Mickey did the same. They kept catching each other looking at the other person every now and then, whenever it happened they would both blush and look away, occasionally even chuckling at the stupidity of it all. Ian felt like he was 15 again. He hadn’t felt like this around someone in such a long time, it was both amazing and fucking terrifying.,  
  
“Are we intruding on your first fucking date or something?” Mandy snapped out beside him, causing Ian’s giddy feeling to dissipate. He held down the growl he wanted to send out her way for ruining the moment, instead he tried to just ignore her. He looked back over at Mickey who was now red in the face with anger and then looked back down at his plate. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Yev looking between him and Mickey curiously, Ian prayed that Yev would keep his questions to himself.   
  
“What? Are Ian and dad dating?”   
  
Ian’s attention flew straight to Yev, as did everybody else’s at the table. Yevgeny looked confused as he looked from Mickey to Ian and then back again.  
  
“No, your Aunt Mandy’s being a bitch” Mickey growled out, turning his heated glare to Mandy.   
  
Ian tried to sink further into his chair; this night had taken a drastic turn for the worse. He knew Mickey didn’t like Yev knowing his personal life, but it still stung a little to hear him deny it so harshly.   
  
“So you’re not dating?” Mandy asked sarcastically, she was clearly trying to push Mickey’s buttons. Mickey shook his head and huffed out in anger and cut aggressively at the steak on his plate, not looking up at anyone.   
  
“Mandy, shut your fucking mouth or I’ll shut it up for you” Ian hissed out, he side eyed Mandy, hoping that the look he gave her shut her up once and for all. She just shrugged her shoulders and went back to eating her meal. Ian looked over at Emily, she smiled at him softly and he smiled back. The pity she held in her eyes hurt, they could both see that Mickey was shutting down.   
  
“Are you two dating or not Dad?” Yev further questioned his father, Mickey shot a quick glare towards his sister, Ian noticed he completely avoided looking at him in the process, before Mickey turned his attention towards his son.   
  
“Yev, eat your food please” He said as calmly as he could, pointing his knife at his son’s half eaten dinner plate.  
  
“But…”   
  
“I said eat your fucking food!” Mickey yelled out as he slammed his cutlery down on the table, both actions causing the entire tables occupants to jump in their seats in fright. Yevgeny mumbled lowly under his breath as he began doing as his father demanded, avoiding asking any more questions. The rest of the table continued eating their food in complete silence.  
  
Ian only managed to eat a few more mouthfuls before the tension in the room and the way Mickey was avoiding looking at him began to make him feel sick. Ian couldn’t breathe in here. He placed his knife and fork down and began standing up, all eyes fell on him immediately.   
  
“I’m just gonna… Need some fresh air” he mumbled out as he pointed to the sliding door that lead to the balcony.   
  
He made his way over quickly and let out a large exhale of relief the moment he made it into the cool night air. He lent his arms on the railing and looked out at the city lights. It was such a beautiful view from up here, he was only able to enjoy it alone for barely a moment before he heard the sliding door open and heels click against the tiled floor.  
  
“You alright Ian?” Emily’s soft voice said from behind him as she made her way over to where he stood.  
  
“Mhmm” He hummed out in agreement, keeping his eyes firmly locked on to the city lights. He was embarrassed about what had just happened inside, worried that Mickey was going to reject him, angry that Mandy was stirring up trouble. But he didn’t want to voice these concerns, he just wanted silence for a moment and the fresh cool air hitting his flushed skin to remove the heat from the embarrassment and anger he felt warming his body up.   
  
“Don’t be mad at Mickey, he doesn’t like telling Yev details like that and you two haven’t really talked yet about what you’re doing so he probably felt awkward in there. Don’t take it…” Emily started to say, she was trying to reassure him, which he appreciated but Emily had it wrong.   
  
“I’m not mad at him Ems. I’m pissed at Mandy for doing that, she fucking did it on purpose.”   
  
“Yeah, I don’t know what’s really going on with her. I just wanted you to know that Mickey didn’t mean any harm in there.” Emily said as she lit up her cigarette, she lent up against the railing, facing her back to the city lights as she looked over at Ian and smiled. She handed the cigarette over and Ian took it, rolling it between his fingers before he took a drag and then handed it back.   
  
“I know. It still kind of hurts a little. I used to be his secret for so long and if we’re doing this again, I don’t want it to be like that again” Ian finally said, voicing his fears before he really even had time to register them. He knew Mickey was apprehensive about Yev knowing who he was dating. He remembers vividly about the time Mickey had ranted and raved to him and Mandy about Simon trying to push their relationship in front of Yev, it was the whole reason Mickey ended it with him. He can understand that Mickey might be wary, but he isn’t comfortable with being a secret ever again, even for Mickey.   
  
“You should probably tell him that. When you talk.” Emily said, clucking her tongue as she mulled what Ian said over. Ian scrunched his face up, he wasn’t so sure Mickey wanted to talk anymore, not after what had just happened inside.   
  
“I’m gonna go inside and keep Mandy occupied. Svetlana has Yev sorting out his stuff for school and heading to bed early, so her and I will make sure Mandy gives you two some space to talk without being interrupted”   
  
Emily flicked her cigarette out, and patted Ian on the back as she made her way over to the sliding door to head back inside. He heard the door open as he turned around, Emily stood there with a bright smile on her face, waiting for him to come inside also.  
  
“Thanks Ems” he said as he passed her and made his way back inside. Mandy and Svetlana were standing in the living room, Mickey was by the sink in the kitchen running the water with his back to everyone.   
  
“Orange boy! You and ex-husband do dishes, us girls are watching movie” Svetlana ordered, smirking over at him. Yevgeny was nowhere to be seen, he must be in his room already. Emily bumped his shoulder and raised her eyebrows at him expectantly. Right, he was just standing there observing everyone when he was supposed to be talking to Mickey. He nodded his head in agreement, took a deep breath and slowly made his way over to the kitchen, towards Mickey.   
  
When he reached the sink Mickey silently handed him a towel as he began washing the dishes from dinner. Neither man spoke to the other, and Ian was a ball of nerves. When Mickey finally spoke, Ian jumped a little from the unexpected sound breaking the silence.   
  
“Hey… I’m sorry about Yev before…” Mickey mumbled out as he handed Ian a plate, he still didn’t look at him as he spoke. Ian sighed and began drying the dish.  
  
“It wasn’t his fault; Mandy started it”  
  
“Yeah, she’s being a bitch” Mickey replied, venom in his words directed at his sister.  
  
“Guessing that the two of you didn’t sort things out yesterday?” Ian asked. He had hoped that Mickey might’ve been able to quell whatever issue Mandy was having, by the way she acted tonight, Ian highly doubted it.   
  
“Not really”  
  
“But she did tell you what her problem was” Ian questioned. Mickey didn’t say anything, he just continued to wash the dishes and pass them on to Ian to dry. By the third dish, Ian didn’t grab it causing Mickey to finally look at him. Ian raised his eyebrow in question and Mickey just shook the wet pan at him waiting for Ian to take it, he refused to until Mickey told him what Mandy said.  
  
“You gonna tell me or…?” Ian said as he crossed his arms over his chest in defiance. Mickey put the pan down and mimicked Ian’s action chewing nervously at his bottom lip. Ian waited him out and eventually Mickey spoke again.  
  
“You were right, she has a problem with me and you getting back together” Mickey said as he thumbed at his lip, their eyes met again and Ian let out a frustrated grunt.  
  
“Thought so”   
  
Mickey just nodded and went back to washing the last few dishes in the sink. Ian dried them off as Mickey drained the dirty water.   
  
“She tell you why?” Ian finally asked as he dried his hands. Mickey lent his back up against the counter, his hands strumming on top of it, one on either side of his body. Ian placed himself a few feet in front of him determined to get Mickey to talk to him.   
  
“Yeah…”   
  
Ian waited for him to elaborate; Mickey took his time as usual. Looking around at everything before his eyes finally landed on Ian again. He looked nervous.  
  
“She ummm… doesn’t want either of us getting hurt. She’s pretty sure we’re gonna fuck it up and I’ll end up in prison or shot dead this time”  
  
“Jesus” Ian stutters out as he runs his hands down his face. Just the thought of Mickey ending up in prison or getting fucking shot again caused his stomach to roll and bile to rise to his throat. He’d never live with himself if something like that happened to Mickey again, especially if it was because of him. He can’t believe Mandy thinks that’ll be Mickey’s outcome if he and Ian get together. It instantly makes him think of all the times Mickey has been caused physical and emotional pain because of him.  
  
He’s been shot twice already, beaten to an inch of his life by his own father twice, gone to Jail once, juvie twice… He doesn’t have a great track record with keeping Mickey safe when they’re together and all he wants is for Mickey to be safe. But he _knows_ that this time will be different, every fibre of his being is telling him that them being together is what’s _right_.   
  
“She’s worried about you too man, she’s worried I’ll hurt you and you’ll leave or fall to pieces. Dunno. Bitch has no faith”   
  
Mickey’s voice shakes him back to the present conversation, Ian looks back over at Mickey who is chewing on his thumb nail. Whilst Ian’s thinking of how he’s hurt Mickey in the past, Mickey’s probably thinking about all the times he’s hurt Ian too. He thinks about what Mickey just said.   
  
“Do you?” he questions him, Mickey looks up at Ian furrowing his brow in confusion so Ian elaborates. “Have faith In us?”   
  
Ian watches as Mickey shifts his body about nervously, he looks up at Ian and then trains his eyes on his feet, sucking his lower lip into his mouth as he thinks the question over.   
  
“Not sure to be honest.”   
  
That’s not surprising, considering their past. It still makes Ian a little upset at the thought, because despite their tumultuous history, he has faith.   
  
“I’ll never let you get hurt like that again Mickey, I won’t…”He begins trying to defend himself, trying to show Mickey that despite the hurt and pain they’ve both been through because of each other in the past, this time will be different. Ian believes it, he wants Mickey to believe it too. He’s stopped short by Mickey shaking his head at him and interrupting him.   
  
“You can’t know that Ian, you don’t know what’ll happen in the future”   
  
Ian stands tall and tries again, he doesn’t let the look of doubt in Mickey’s face shake his resolve. He pulls himself up and walks closer to Mickey, he places his hands gently on Mickey’s waist and is relieved that the older man doesn’t push him away or even flinch at the contact. He makes sure that his voice is gentle and reassuring but firm when he begins his plea and his promise again.   
  
“I swear Mickey, no one’s getting shot, going to jail, leaving or falling to pieces. I’m not promising we will be together forever or anything, although I _hope_ we are and I believe we will. I’m just saying that I want to give this a proper shot and if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason, it won’t be as messy as it was before. We’ll both walk away, maybe a little heartbroken or whatever but not in pieces, not to Jail or to a hospital. I have faith in us though, I really think we can make it this time Mickey. I’m all in”   
  
The way that Mickey is looking at him right now, proves his point. Mickey is bright eyed, smile soft and loving and just knowing that he can make this usually grumpy and angry man turn to a puddle of happy soft emotions, makes Ian know that it’ll work out. Because he wants to see this face for the rest of his life, he wants to be the reason Mickey’s happy and he _knows_ that Mickey is and will _always_ be the only person to make him feel the same way. With Mickey it always felt right, no matter what was happening, no matter how shit things got around them, whenever they were together, everything felt better. Mickey clears his throat and hides the dopey smile he has on his face as he makes a move to leave.  
  
“C’mon, this aint private. Mandy’s hawk eyeing us from the couch” he says to Ian as he walks off towards the room that Ian suspects is his bedroom. He takes a quick look to where the girls are seated in the living room and isn’t that surprised that Mandy is looking over towards them. He turns his attention back on Mickey who is now standing by his bedroom door waiting for Ian to walk over.   
  
He can’t help the heat pooling to his stomach the moment he realises that he’s about to be in Mickey’s _bedroom_. He knows that they’re not about to have sex right now, but this is the room where sex _happens_. He furrows his brow a little at that revelation, _has Mickey had sex in his room with other guys? If so, how many and how often?_   
  
The questions are wiped from his mind the moment he steps inside as Mickey shuts the door behind him and turns a lamp on. Ian glances around as Mickey makes his way over to the desk in the corner, wheeling the chair out a little and taking a seat. Ian looks at the bare walls, they’re a light grey, no pictures or posters mark these walls unlike Mickey’s old room. There are no clothes on the floor, a hamper by the wardrobe seems to hold all the dirty clothes now and he assumes the clean ones are in the wardrobe. A bookshelf on the other wall is mainly bare, a few books are stacked on it, which surprises Ian because Mickey never used to be much of a reader. The shelves are mainly covered with picture frames. Ian walks over and inspects a few.   
  
Yevgeny is present in most of them, varying in ages from a baby to a toddler to a pre-schooler and on and on until he spots a recent one of Yev dressed in his ice-hockey uniform with Mickey standing behind him beaming with pride. Ian can’t help but pick it up and run his finger along the smiling Mickey in the picture. He notices that there are only a few of the father and son duo, obviously because Mickey has only been out for just over a year now. He puts it back and looks at the others.   
  
He spots a family photo of Emily, Svetlana, Yevgeny and Mickey at Christmas, there’s a photo with some of the guy’s Mickey works with, one of Mickey and his brothers taken back when Mickey must have been only 15 or so. Mandy, Mickey and Iggy alone in another and then Ian stops dead in his tracks. His hands move shakily as he picks up a frame with a photo that has the breath knocked out of him and tears prickling his eyes.   
  
He had no idea that Mickey had this, in a small black frame is a photo that Ian took on the phone he bought Mickey back when he was working at the club (he immediately shuts out the reason _why_ he had enough money to afford it at the time). Ian remembers the day they took this photo. Mickey was standing in front of him and Ian looped his arm around his neck, the other one he held out holding the phone in front of them and as he kissed Mickey’s cheek to distract him, he snapped the photo.   
  
He remembers the moment he looked at the photo after he had taken it, he was bursting with happiness because in the photo Mickey was _smiling_ , not scowling like he had expected, and Ian was smiling into the kiss. They were really fucking happy back then. Ian might’ve been a little manic at the time but this day is clear in his memories, he knows that he was genuinely happy when that photo was taken, and looking at Mickey’s face in the picture, so was he.   
  
Mickey _kept_ the fucking photo.   
Mickey kept it and fucking _framed_ it.  
Ian’s heart skips a beat.   
  
Ian turns around, eyes blurry from the tears he’s holding in, and faces Mickey who’s sitting on the chair looking completely embarrassed and awkward. It’s adorable. Mickey’s got his elbows on his knees, they’re bobbing up and down erratically because Mickey can’t sit still and he’s rubbing his U-UP knuckles with the palm of his other hand as he looks down at the floor. Ian makes his way over and sits on the bed next to Mickey, the framed photo still in his hand. He places his other hand on Mickey’s arm and squeezes it gently; Mickey looks up at him, biting at the corner of his bottom lip.  
  
“I have a photo of you and Yev, from that day we took him to the park with Liam. It’s in my bottom drawer, always had it with me, all these years. Some days… when shit got hard, I’d pull it out and just think back to that day, to that moment and remember what _real_ happiness felt like, I would tell myself that I’d feel it again, I’d be really happy again, someday I’d find someone I could love as much as I loved you…”   
  
Ian stops himself. He hadn’t meant to tell Mickey all that. He didn’t look at the picture all those times imagining that he’d one day get _back_ with Mickey, he’d just imagine the _feelings_ that he had felt at the time, imagined feeling them again someday. It was enough to keep him going, keep trying. But now he knows better, he searched for it for so long, someone who could bring those feelings back when all along he just needed the one person that he could only ever feel like that with, _he needed Mickey_.   
  
He clears his throat that's itching to tell this man all of this, and hesitantly looks at Mickey. Mickey’s stopped nervously shaking his legs or rubbing at his knuckles, he’s just staring at Ian looking slightly shocked. A look then comes across his face that Ian can’t quite place, as Mickey leans back on the chair and glances out the window above the bed.   
  
“Look, I know you keep saying your all in, that it’s what you want but… Mandy said you jump into relationships and then you kind of get bored real quick, are you sure this is really what you want because, if I’m back with you, it’s long term for me, It’s not a year or two…”   
  
Ian feels white hot boiling rage course through him, why the _fuck_ would she tell him about his previous relationships? She’s not wrong, he did jump all in really quickly, but they _weren’t_ Mickey and they failed _because_ of that reason, he knows it now. But, this _is_ Mickey, this is all he’s ever wanted. It won’t fail, he _knows_ it. He needs Mickey to know this too.   
  
“Fucking hell. I’m seriously going to fucking murder her when I get home. Look, my other relationships died out because they _never_ actually felt right in the first place. I was always looking for something and it took me a long time to realise what that was. I wanted that heat, the chemistry that you and I had and I never found it because none of them were _you_ Mickey. Most of my relationships never made it past the one year mark, but _we_ did, even though we went through more bullshit than any couple should stick around for, but we did Mick, because we felt _right_ together. After you, when I met someone, when I felt _something_ , I dived straight in hoping that this person would be the one to get me to feel all those feelings back again. It never happened, because none of them were _you_. What we had, it might’ve been all kinds of messed up at times, but when we were good Mickey. Fuck, we were amazing. I want that back. I know that I can have it all again, but only with _you_ ”  
  
Ian keeps his eyes on Mickey as he pleads his case, hoping that Mickey can see all the emotions on his face, all the truth behind his words. He realises that he’s been clutching at the bedding so tightly this whole time, that his knuckles have gone white. He lets go and wipes his hands nervously down his jean clad thighs. Mickey still hasn’t spoken, hasn’t made any sort of indication that he believes him and it’s making Ian really nervous.   
  
“I wanna do this with you for as long as you’ll have me” Ian shakily whispers out as he finally looks away from Mickey. He puts his head down and looks at his lap as he waits. He can hear the muffled noise of the TV coming from the living room down the hall, the sound of the traffic a few stories below them and the squeak of the chair as Mickey shifts in his seat. But Mickey still isn’t talking.   
  
The chair eventually squeaks again as Mickey moves off of it, causing Ian to finally look at him, what he sees makes his heart race. Mickey kneels down on the floor between Ian’s legs and he brings his eyes up to Mickey’s blue ones. He feels Mickey’s hands as they gently rub up his thighs, even through the jeans he’s wearing, his skin tingles at the contact and his breath hitches in his chest. Mickey leans in closer and places his forehead against Ian’s, their breaths mingle with one another’s for a moment before Mickey finally breaks the silence.  
  
“I wanna do this with you too, I want you Ian, I _always_ fucking have and I don’t see that stopping anytime soon” Mickey breathes out his words, Ian feels them fanning against his lips, they feel sweeter than any kiss he’s ever had. They come out with so much honesty, truth and feeling that Ian can’t contain the small sob of relief that escapes him. This is it, they're _actually_ going to do this.  
  
Mickey’s hand comes up and cradles the side of Ian's face, his thumb gently stroking Ian’s cheekbone, wiping away a few tears that Ian must of let go. He didn't even know he had started crying, he can't think when that had happened. All he can think of is _Mickey_ , Mickey who is right in front of him now, who is touching him so gently, who is willing to let Ian love him again and love him back in return. Ian’s body feels like it’s vibrating with want just from Mickey touching him and looking at him like this, until the moment that he feels Mickey’s lips against his again and his need for Mickey soars through him.   
  
He’s missed this so much, the way Mickey’s lips slot so perfectly between his own, the taste of Mickey on his lips, the way the other man’s lips move against his own in perfect synchronisation, like this is what they were made to do. They kiss like that for a beat or two until Ian needs more and runs his tongue between Mickey’s lips and they part immediately letting him into the warmth of Mickey’s mouth. His tongue slides against Mickey’s as the other man moves his own into Ian’s mouth and then everything inside him is just screaming Mickey, Mickey, _Mickey_.   
  
He feels Mickey move and he thinks he’s about to pull away, Ian’s ready to chase those lips if he does, but he doesn’t. Mickey maintains the kiss as Ian feels him shift as he rises up from the floor until he’s straddling Ian’s lap, the closer contact spurs Ian on and he wraps one arm around Mickey’s back digging his fingers in and pulling him closer as the other hand settles on the back of Mickey’s neck his fingers scratching at the short hairs there, Mickey moans the moment he does it and Ian feels himself preen at the sound.   
  
Eventually Mickey’s mouth slowly stops moving against his own and the two finally pull out of the kiss a little to catch their breaths, Mickey rests his forehead against Ian’s again and they both smile with aching lips, Mickey chuckling lightly, the huffs of his breath hitting Ian’s grinning mouth. Mickey pushes his groin further into Ian’s lap, he can now feel Mickey’s hardness against his own and he rocks forward a little to gain some friction as Mickey leans back and smirks at him.   
  
The look on his face brings Ian back in time, to an 18 year old Mickey, blown out pupils, lust ever present on his face and that smug goading expression, Ian knows _exactly_ what Mickey’s thinking right now. He’s horny and playful and Ian’s basically ready to blow his load at just the thought of how pliant Mickey used to be under him, the noises he makes in the heat of the moment, the way his face looks when he comes. He wants to see it, taste it and feel it all right now.  
  
Ian can't hold back any longer, he surges forward, open mouthed and hungry with need. He kisses Mickey sloppily and hard, he’s lost any finesse he usually has, all control has flown out the window now replaced with an insatiable need to have this man laid out in front of him, underneath him, to finally be where he belongs again, inside Mickey. Mickey must feel it too because he’s groaning and rocking down hard on Ian’s lap sounding desperate and needy.   
  
He feels Mickey’s hands go for his belt, his fingers fumbling with the buckle as he tries in vain to hastily undo it so he can get them off. Ian pulls the back of Mickey’s shirt out from behind him so he can run his fingers up along his spine, he needs to feel his skin he needs to push his fingers in and leave his mark. Mickey finally manages to undo Ian’s belt and now he’s fumbling with the button and then the zip and then finally, fucking _finally_ , Ian feels Mickey’s fingers dancing along the waist band of his boxers, teasing him before he slides his hand down further… and then Mickey’s bedroom door is swung wide open and they both freeze.   
  
Ian’s lips still against Mickey’s for a brief moment, until Mickey completely moves his mouth away and turns to face the door. Ian slumps his head down onto Mickey’s shoulder and stifles a frustrated groan out into the fabric of his (boyfriends?) shirt.   
  
“The fuck?” Mickey growls out, clearly just as frustrated with the interruption as Ian is. Ian keeps his head down on Mickey’s shoulder, twists his head to the side and buries his face in his neck. He can’t help himself from lightly mouthing at the skin there, fuck whoever it is in the room with them, he’s waited too fucking long to taste this skin to stop now.  
  
“Came to get Ian, Svet and Emily passed out on the couch and I wanna go home”   
  
He hears Mandy’s irritated voice and can’t help but bristle a little with anger, she’s been nothing but a pain in his ass lately and he just wants her to leave him alone, leave _them_ alone, just for a moment. He lifts his head up and feels Mickey begin to make a move to get up off of him. Ian grips him hard around the waist, digging his fingers in, and holds him in place to stop him from leaving as he finally turns to face the doorway and a very annoyed Mandy.  
  
“Go home then” Ian says to her and then immediately returns his attention back to the hot guy on his lap. Ian leans in and kisses Mickey on his jaw, then runs his tongue from that spot up to his earlobe, biting down on it when he reaches it. He can tell Mickey’s stifling a moan and he chuckles lightly into his neck because of it, causing Mickey to pinch him hard on his side. It feels good to be like this again, hot and bothered and playful. This is him and Mickey, this is how it's supposed to be.  
  
“We usually go home together” Mandy barks out bringing both of the men’s attention back on to her as she takes a brave step forward further into the room towards the pair. Mickey shifts on his lap again and Ian’s at fucking boiling point, he’s about to tell her to fuck off when he feels Mickey press harshly on his chest with both of his hands causing Ian to let out a huff of air as his back is pushed down firmly so that he’s now laying on the bed with Mickey still seated on top of him.  
  
“You’re going home alone tonight, Ian’s staying here”   
  
Mickey’s voice is so demanding and aggressive, Ian has to bite down on his lip to stop himself from taking the man above him right then and there with his sister still in the room. If she doesn’t leave soon, Ian might just go for it, he hasn’t slept with another guy since he came face to face with Mickey again, he’s been so adamant on getting him back and now _finally_ it’s about to happen. He’s not about to let _anyone_ ruin this moment for him, and neither is Mickey by the sounds of it.  
  
Mandy growls out in frustration and takes another step forward and levels her eyes at her brother.  
  
“You guys even actually sort out what the fuck you’re doing? Or did you just try and fuck each other straight away? Not even gonna try the whole dating thing first, huh? Yeah, you guys are _so_ mature now, ready to do things _right_ my ass! Fuck you both, I’m going home then.”  
  
Mandy turns her glare on to Ian who is still flat on his back with Mickey straddling his thighs, before she storms out of the room slamming the door shut behind them, leaving both Mickey and Ian feeling like idiots as her words ring through their heads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sneak peak for the next chapter... Mandy and Ian will talk ;)


End file.
